Devil you know
by obsessed1
Summary: Sheppard's ill, trapped, tired could his day get any worse? uhh yes. WHUMP
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis.

_I'm back. World trip over and back to being the plot bunnies slave._

_Trying to ease myself back into writing as I feel out of practice, so I hope this story suffices._

"_You_ were late."

Caught off-guard Mckay hit his head on the console he was working on. He grimaced and rubbed the bruise on his head, "It's not my fault that I'm called upon to fix every little problem that arises here."

Mckay continued to work under the console, pulling at various wires and checking connections, hoping the owner of the voice would get the hint.

Sheppard's boots appeared next to him, "I've been calling you on the radio for an hour. You could have answered Rodney."

"The radios don't work down here."

"How convenient," said Sheppard and Mckay could here him cough and clear his throat.

"The energy readings confirm that communications down here would be impossible with the generators below us. Electrical interference." He sighed, crawled out from his work and finally pushed himself up onto his feet.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked as soon as he looked at Sheppard.

Sheppard sighed and leant against the console, "Beckett cancelled the mission. He said I was ill. I told him I'm fine but-"

"You're ill?" Mckay took a step backwards, "With what?"  
"I'm _not_ ill," said Sheppard with a sigh, "I'm just a bit tired."

Sheppard was dripping with sweat and had dark circles under his eyes.

"And okay, I'm a little bit hot," he admitted tugging on his tactical vest.

Sheppard was barely standing. His tactical vest was hooked up incorrectly, his P90 was dangling loosely over his shoulder and he was pitching to the left drunkenly. How he had even managed to dress himself this morning was a mystery to Mckay. "Shouldn't you be in the infirmary?" he asked.  
"I was on my way there. I just came down here to tell you we weren't going, and also next time be ready to go at the time I say to go," the effort of speaking forced him to breathe in heavily again.

"Well I'm so glad you bought your infected self down to these cramped musty disease breeding corridors to tell me that."

"I'm very thoughtful that way," said Sheppard with a small smile.

"The first symptom of illness and I'll blame you."

"Not ill," said Sheppard sitting on the edge of the console and rubbing his face.

"Not ill," mocked Mckay. "Get off the console you'll get germs on it." He swatted Sheppard off and he slowly eased himself up. When he swayed slightly Mckay instinctively reached out to steady him, but Sheppard twisted away from him.

"You should get up to the infirmary," said Mckay, his voice now tinged with concern.

Sheppard bent over and breathed in heavily against a wave of nausea, "I'm going. Just a bit dizzy right now," he admitted.

"Well don't pass out," said Mckay.

Sheppard looked up at him and gave him a raised eyebrow, "I'll try not to Rodney." On that note he coughed again and groaned.

"You have the flu or something," said Mckay taking a step back. "Who have you been in contact with?"

"Its not the flu."

"I know the flu Sheppard. Temperature, chills, dizziness, nausea. Was it that Lt Marks? He looked peaky the other day?"

Sheppard was shaking his head again and about to protest when he covered his mouth with his hand.

"I'm going to get Beckett, you stay here."

"I can walk with you," he said quietly.

"Stay here."

Sheppard raised a hand and straightened up a bit, "I'm fine," he said.

"I'll be right back," said Mckay.

When Mckay had left Sheppard closed his eyes and muttered, "I'm so ill."

-----------------------------

"Beckett?"

Mckay tapped his earpiece in an attempt to get through to the infirmary but there was still a lot of interference.

"Hello, Hello, Helllooo."

Half way down the corridor and his ear piece crackled slightly.

"Hello?" he ventured and continued to walk.

The crackle came back briefly and this time he could hear a few scattered sounds which was obviously somebody trying to communicate with him. It resonated through his head constantly until-

"…..f………….ge………..r…."

"Beckett?" he said as he reached the first set of stairs and started to climb them. His boots clanged on the metal loudly and echoed through the hallways. The silence was beginning to unnerve him.

"……r………….y.ou……….n………….out."

Mckay was starting to get frustrated and was about to tear his earpiece out when a few steps was enough to clear up the transmission. It wasn't Beckett however who was trying to get in touch with him.

It was Radek.

"Zelenka…what is it? I can't talk to you right now."

The frequency and urgency in Zelenka's voice alerted him to take notice and he found himself stopping dead in his tracks.

"Rodney, you must get out of there now!"

"What? Why?" Mckay asked feeling his stomach clench.

"There is a ship heading for your position right now, move."

"A ship?" He was bouncing now on his heels and looking nervously around the empty corridor.

"Its going to crash, get out of there."

"But Sheppard. I left-" The words died in his throat.

It was too late.

He felt the impact of the ship rather than heard it. The corridor shook under his feet and then there was the most horrific scraping noise. He was pretty certain he could hear the patter of glass as it struck concrete.

"Radek?" he called out bracing himself on one of the walls. The floor beneath him continued to groan., "Radek?"

"A medical team is on its way."

"Did it hit?"

"Yes."

Mckay let the words sink in.

A ship had crashed into the side of Atlantis.

Motivated by a mixture of fear and adrenaline he started to descend the steps he had previously climbed and sprinted back towards the room he had left Sheppard alone and unwell. Guilt washed over him in waves and his stomach roiled with sickness.

As soon as he neared the room he was assaulted by the dust. Various fittings had come loose from the impact, but still there was no evidence of a ship.

He could see the door to the room ahead of him and found himself sprinting the last few metres.

As he approached he could see that the door had taken some damage.

His first instinct was to establish whether Sheppard was injured and he tried in vain to open the door. His fingers couldn't get enough grip to pull the door open. Instead, it hurt his fingernails and near ripped one off with the force.

"Sheppard?" he called out banging the door with his fist.

He waited a beat to see if there was a reply. He pushed his ear against the door and tried to still his breathing. He didn't want to be noisily gulping down air if Sheppard was calling out to him.

Nothing.

"Sheppard!" he shouted again. His throat was getting raw and he was feeling frantic.

There was no answer and something behind the door hit the floor loudly. There was another exaggerated groan and he felt the vibrations as another object succumbed to gravity.

"Are you hurt?" he called out again, feeling stupid, ineffectual and helpless all at the same time.

As he kept his ear pressed against the wall, his eyes fixed ahead of him to notice a rod of metal penetrating the door. The force it would have taken for that rod to become lodged there made Mckay feel sick. He wondered if Sheppard had been subjected to those forces.

The fear returned on closer inspection of the rod.

There was blood on it.

He turned to the door and hit it again, "Sheppard!"

TBC

Please review.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you for the reviews everyone. Keep them coming._

Mckay was still banging on the door when a team came down to help with the rescue.

"You've come down to do something right?" he asked on seeing five soldiers coming towards him.

One of them was Lorne and he walked straight over to Mckay and started to guide him away from the door, "We've got this," he said.

"No, no, no," said Mckay twisting from his grip, "I have to stay here."

"This areas unstable right now," said Lorne grimly.

As if to punctuate his remark a piece of the ceiling fell down inches from them. Both men looked down at the fallen material.

"I'm not leaving," said Mckay even as something pinged off his head.

"We're as concerned as you are for Colonel Sheppard's safety but we can't have another injured man down here. Come on, you know Sheppard would be kicking your ass right now if he knew you were standing here."

"No he wouldn't," Mckay crossed his arms and jutted out his chin, "I'm staying here."

"Uh Sir?"

Lorne turned around to see one of his men inspecting the rod. "What is it?"

"We've got blood here. I think-"

"Sheppard?" Lorne stepped forward and looked at the blood coating the rod.

The soldier nodded, "We've got one life sign on this side of the door and another in the ship."

Lorne shook his head, stood quietly and tried to think. All he could decide was at least they _had_ a life sign.

"We need to get in there, we need to get Beckett and-"

"We can't do that right now," said Lorne leaning against one of the walls, "Not from here anyway. If it is Sheppard then he's pinned against the door. Our only way in."

"What about the ceiling?" Mckay was starting to get frantic.

"I've got men there right now having a look. We're going to get him out of there."

"I'm staying here," said Mckay again.

"I'm going to go back up and talk to Doctor Weir. You should really think about hanging back to a safer distance. If this goes down-"

"It wont," said Mckay looking around the corridor. He was nervously checking every crack and fracture to make sure they hadn't increased in the last few minutes.

As Lorne headed back up to safety Mckay slid down the wall as his adrenaline rush wore off.

-------

Discomfort dragged him from his unconsciousness.

Pain lancing down his back and across his shoulder.

Tingling in his left hand.

Warm liquid on his front and back.

His head was still pounding and he was insufferably hot.

He was instantly assaulted by the range of sensations afflicting his body.

He felt confused and equally dislocated from his current surroundings.

Everything seemed too quiet, the light too bright and the pain in his shoulder was excruciating.

As he tried to think, tried to assemble some kind of ordered thought he heard muffled voices behind him.

One sounded like Mckay and he sounded angry.

"Guys," he tried to force out the sound but it came out weak and gravely. He licked his lips, attempting to gather as much saliva as possible to aid his words. His throat felt constricted by dust and bad air and when he spoke it sounded like he was underwater.

The mere effort of staying cognitive was beginning to take his toll and before he could assess his situation further he fell into the darkness again.

-------

The debriefing room was crammed with all of the essential staff required for this internal mission.

Elizabeth rubbed at her face and tried to co-ordinate her fractured thoughts. "How did we miss this?"

Zelenka was sat behind his lap top and typing furiously on it. It was only when he realised that a question had been directed at him did he stop and look slightly embarrassed, "I do not know. Maybe it possessed a cloaking ability we have not yet discovered." He shrugged, "I'm doing a diagnostic to find out if it was Atlantis at fault."

"And you think Sheppard is trapped down there?" she asked perching on the edge of one of the tables.

"He was supposed to be in the infirmary," Beckett muttered with a shake of his head. "He has a fever. I'm worried about his ability to fight off any infections right now."

"You can scold him about it when he's here healthy and well," said Elizabeth reaching over to him and squeezing his hand. She knew Beckett's anger was only the result of his worry.

Lorne nodded, "There is a significant amount of blood on a rod that's sticking through the door. I'd say it's a pretty good guess."

"If he has been impaled its best he stays there unmoved for the moment. It should stem the bleeding significantly until I can properly assess the wound," said Beckett.

"Why can't we just break down wall?" asked Ronon. He'd been leaning up against the wall in the background until now simply listening to the flow of conversation.

"It's not that simple," said Lorne shifting uncomfortably under the large mans glare, "Its all unstable. I'm not even letting my men stay around there too long. It could come down at any second."

"And Doctor Mckay is still down there?" asked Teyla looking worried.

"He won't leave Sheppard."

"If he's even alive," said Ronon.

"He will be," said Elizabeth.

"We're going to try and get a camera in there and get some live feed."

"I thought there was interference down there," said Elizabeth.

"There is but Zelenka has kindly agreed to modify ours," said Lorne.

"Is that even possible?" asked Elizabeth.

Zelenka nodded, "I can kit one out with a rudimentary shield which should deflect any unwanted interference. It won't be a clear picture but it will give us a good idea of the Colonels position."

"Okay, so what are our options right now?"

Lorne was pacing, feeling under scrutiny and under pressure. He was very reluctantly filling Sheppard's shoes. "We hang back for now. The camera should give us more Intel into the state of the structure and Sheppard's position, but for now we'd be foolish going in blind."

"We just wait?" asked Teyla.

"We wait."

------------

Mckay was still sitting out in the corridor. He had been now for what felt like hours, but he was unwilling to move. He knew it was uncharacteristic of him to put himself in undue danger but guilt was keeping him there. He should never have left Sheppard in that room alone. The man could barely stand.

"You okay Doctor Mckay?" he heard one of the soldiers shout down the corridor. It broke him from his silent reverie and he sighed.

"Yes," he said angrily, "Nothing has moved down here you could just-" He spoke too soon and a piece of concrete fell from above him and landed at his feet, "Never mind." He said getting up slowly and taking a step back.

-----------

The sound of something falling behind his head ripped him from the darkness and back to the stark and painful reality of his situation.

Still feeling uncoordinated and unhinged from the world, he attempted to scan the room.

His eyes were hurting too much to focus beyond himself and as much as he strained right now it just made him feel terrible.

He remembered what happened with startling clarity. He had been just about to leave the room when he had heard a bang, seen various debris fall down and then there was an impact.

Only he wasn't so much thinking about the ship.

He was thinking of himself.

Something had impacted with him.

As if to alert him to his dire situation his shoulder began to throb and he finally managed to tear his eyes down to the source of his pain.

As soon as he saw the metal rod sticking out of his shoulder he felt the bile rise in the back of his throat. He jerked involuntarily, could feel the rod was all the way through his shoulder and pinning him to the door and made a retch noise as the pain disseminated down into his fingertips and across the back of his shoulder. Warm liquid was pouring down his back and chest, but his tactical vest was in the way and he couldn't see the extent of the damage.

His legs were sagging under him, he saw stars in front of his eyes and sank down the door. The motion pulled on his shoulder and he cried out. The volume of his voice alarmed him.

"Sheppard?"

The voice sounded so far away he wasn't sure that he was hearing it in his head and he waited a beat before answering.

"Rodney?"

"Oh thank god," he heard Mckay say.

-------------

Mckay turned away from the door and tried to strain his eyes against the darkness of the corridor, "Hey, he's alive," he shouted.

His voice echoed but there was no reply and frustrated he turned back to the door.

The bottom of it had bent slightly and there was a slit of light coming through it.

He pressed his cheek against the dirty germ infested floor and pushed his mouth against the crack.

-------------

"Hey are you okay?"

Sheppard tried to keep himself upright and resisted the urge to laugh, "Yeah I'm good Rodney."

There was a moment of silence.

"How bad is it?"

Sheppard looked down at the rod and gave it a tentative wiggle. He bit down on his lip and held in the verbal expletive he would have uttered. The motion of the rod had touched nerve endings which reached his toes. "It's…. not that bad."

"No?" he heard Mckay say and felt guilty when he heard the relief in his voice.

"Well, I have a metal pole sticking out of my shoulder, but other than that-" he paused and waited for the response.

"Do you have to joke at a time like this?"

Sheppard managed to smile but it quickly turned into a cough.

With each cough that racked his body, the pain in his shoulder intensified. He kicked the door with his foot in frustration. "I honestly don't think this is funny."

"We'll get you out of there," said Mckay turning around to see Lorne and his men coming down the corridor.

"I know," said Sheppard straining to keep his voice even and pain free, "But you need to go to a safer position. This place could fall down."

Mckay recoiled slightly, "You too?"

"Listen to Lorne," he said shifting against the rod and grimacing. He'd never experienced pain like this in his life and he'd afforded some injuries over the years.

"Yeah listen to Lorne," said Lorne arriving at the door.

Mckay stood up and glared at him.

"You okay Sir?" Lorne called through the crack in the door.

"Yea-" the words caught in his throat, "Yeah, great," he said, blinking away his dizziness, "How you going to get me out of this?"

"We're assessing the level of damage to the structure and we're going to put in a live feed to see the extent of the damage in there."

"There's interference," said Sheppard.

"Zelenka's fixed that problem. Unfortunately our radios still don't work."

"That…." He sucked in some air, "That figures."

"We're going to have to leave you in there for a while," said Lorne.

"That's fine," said Sheppard feeling his foot slip again.

"No its not," said Mckay all of a sudden, "You could just pull the door down and get him out."

Sheppard could barely hear McKay's voice but he was getting the gist, "Rodney," he said.

Mckay leant down by the crack and pushed Lorne out of the way, "What?"

"I can handle this."

Mckay withdrew from the door.

"You have a rod through you're shoulder," said Mckay.

"That's not the worst thing," said Sheppard straining to keep the weight up, "I really need to pee."

"Funny," said Mckay.

Lorne bought his hand up to quieten Mckay and he started to move towards the door.

"What does it look like in there?" asked Lorne resuming his place by the crack. He was beginning to feel a bit ridiculous leaning with his cheek to the floor and his ass in the air.

Sheppard swallowed against a bout of nausea and scanned the room. He was trying to be methodical but he was missing out large chunks. Trying to keep the darkness away was a battle in itself and trying to discern between debris, wall and floor was proving difficult. "Needs a lick of paint," he said moving head his slowly. "Looks like my old college pad." He said picking his way through the rubble, "Only this place is tidier-"

Amidst his joking he finally went dead silent. His eyes had come to rest on one image.

The ship.

It was sticking out of various chunks of concrete, metal and glass fragments. Its nose was pointing towards him and the top hatch had disengaged leaving the pilot exposed.

"You see the ship?"

Sheppard licked his lips again and looked down at the rod in his shoulder. He gave it another pull but it wasn't budging and then looked back at the ship.

'"Sir, do you see the ship?"

Sheppard was trying to give himself leverage, trying to stand up fully to take the weight off the rod and pull it out.

"Sir?"

"Yeah," he said, "I see it."

His eyes fixed on the unconscious pilot and he felt the tendrils of terror pulling at him. Right now he was welcoming unconsciousness.

"Well?" Mckay finally said.

"We have a problem," he said trying to keep his voice low, "A _big_ problem."

"Why?" asked Mckay trying to get his face to the crack. He and Lorne's heads were so close together now it was getting damn right intimate, "Sheppard?"

"It's a wraith dart."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

"What do you mean that there is a wraith dart?" he heard Mckay splutter behind the door.

He squirmed against the pain, "Big pointy ship, ugly long haired pilot – wraith dart Rodney."

"We can't leave him in there," said Mckay shooting up from the floor and turning to Lorne.

"What are you saying?" they heard Sheppard calling out from beyond their metallic border. Mckay sighed and resumed his position on the ground.

"I was _saying_ we couldn't leave you in there," he said inhaling some of the dust from the floor.

Lorne was getting equally frustrated. He would have to wait until his men had put in the live feed before he could physically speak to them and not having communications in this area was proving difficult. It meant every action took twice as long and he was beginning to think that Sheppard didn't have time for it. "I need to talk to Doctor Weir."

"Again!" Mckay exclaimed getting to his feet again, "Its simple, we now have no other choice. We knock down the wall and drag him out."

"What are you _saying_?" he heard Sheppard grounding out behind the door.

He got down on to his knees and wearily shoved his mouth to the bottom of the door, "I'm here." He looked up at Lorne again.

"If we have a wraith in that room we need to keep it contained and the best way for that to happen is for this door to remain closed."

"You're kidding, surely you're kidding?"

"I want to speak to Doctor Weir before we proceed." He said bending down to join Mckay, "I'll be right back Sir."

"Sure," they heard Sheppard say.

Sheppard bought his right hand up to wipe away the sweat which was forming on his head. He still couldn't move his left hand and it was beginning to worry him. His right felt down the front of his tactical vest to his P90. "Rodney, you still there?"

"Yeah I'm still here."

"Good."

There was a moment of comfortable silence between the two before Mckay finally said, "Is it unconscious?"

Sheppard rolled his eyes, "No Mckay he's stood here right now."

"Sarcasm," he said through the door, "The lowest form of wit."

"Sarcasm," said Sheppard, "The highest form of fun."

Even from behind the door Mckay could tell that Sheppard's voice was beginning to sound strained and he worried about his ability to stay conscious.

Mckay suddenly heard some shifting behind the door, a bang and then there was silence.

"Sheppard?"

More silence.

"Sheppard?"

"Ah," Sheppard began breathing heavily, "Sorry. Slipped. My legs keep buckling and it pulls on my shoulder."

"Stop it."

"I'll try," he said reaching his right hand to grip the wall, "Believe me, it's not easy to stay on your tip toes for hours on end."

"You won't be in there for hours."

Crouching down on the floor was beginning to get uncomfortable.

Mckay turned at the sound of footsteps coming towards him and smiled briefly when he saw Beckett, Elizabeth and Lorne walking towards him. They'd had the forethought to not waste any time at least.

Beckett was looking around nervously when he came to halt, "You're sure this won't come down on me?"

Lorne gave him a pat on the shoulder, "I'll have some men rig up scaffolding to stop it from falling."

Elizabeth walked over to the door and pressed one hand against it. It was as if by touching it she was really touching Sheppard, "John?"

There was no answer from behind the door and she looked down at Mckay worriedly.

"You have to come down here," he said pointing at the small crack.

Elizabeth looked at the men surrounding her, wondering if they were having some joke on her behalf, before lowering herself down to her knees and bending down towards the crack. She was feeling extremely vulnerable, not to mention ridiculous. "John?"

"Eliza-beth," the word caught in his throat as his feet slipped again.

"How are you doing?"

"Good," he said focusing ahead of him to the wraith. He was sure it had moved in the last few minutes.

"We'll get you out of this," she said, at a loss for anything else to say.

Beckett was crouching down beside her now, "Colonel Sheppard?"

"Beckett?" he called out hearing the gentle Scottish brogue permeate the dust, "You here to make a house call?"

"Wish I could," he said softly.

"Shame."

"Can you tell me how you're doing?"

Sheppard looked down to the rod in his shoulder.

"I know about the rod," he heard Beckett say, "Where exactly is it?"

"Left shoulder. Just below the collarbone," he said.

"Is it bleeding much?"

"I'm not so sure. Cant really see it."

"Okay, any trouble breathing?"

"No, I'm good," he said hitching his breath slightly. He was sure it was more a result of the pain than any serious puncture.

"Any dizzy spells?"

Sheppard let out a little laugh, "Yeah."

"How's your fever?"

"Still hot," he said.

Beckett sat back from talking and looked around at the others, "I don't know how long he can remain in there. With this fever his body won't be able to cope with infection."

"If you set the scaffolding up, can you cut him out?" asked Elizabeth examining the door.

"It could work," said Lorne, "The metal on this door isn't too thick. We could pin point it with a laser. Take the entire door out and transport him, using it like a stretcher."

"And the wraith?" asked Elizabeth.

"It would be contained in the room having only left one exit and entrance. It can't go up and the generators are below- " he stopped.

"Get it set up," said Elizabeth.

-----

They'd explained to Sheppard the logistics of the operation and he'd tried to concentrate on their voices to ensure he understood the implications of it. For now all conversation with him had stopped and he had been forced to listen to the muffled noise behind him.

He knew he had to stay conscious and be ready to tuck all appendages in to avoid the laser, but his eyes kept creeping closed against his will.

He'd been in plenty of bad situations in his time with the military, especially out in the field, but this was a new one.

Impaled, trapped and utterly powerless.

-----

"Okay we're ready," said Lorne.

His men had set up some boards and scaffolding to prop up the ceiling and now they were ready to cut into the door. Somebody had drawn out a crude interpretation as to where the Colonel was standing.

Mckay stood back from the door and looked on as one of the men turned on the laser.

"Okay Sir, we're going to start cutting into the door so I need you to try remain still."

"Right, keep all dangling bits in," said Sheppard, "Got it."

"He's such a smart ass," said Mckay.

A noise caught his attention and creasing his eyebrows he looked up at the ceiling.

"Okay, here goes," said Lorne taking a step back.

The tech was starting from the bottom of the door and slowly beginning to edge the laser to the metal.

"I hope the Colonel wasn't wrong about his position," said Lorne. He crossed his arms and watched anxiously.

Mckay was distracted, he was sure he could hear creaking and as the noise intensified his heart started to pound relentlessly in his chest, "Do you hear that?" he asked.

Lorne looked over to him, but was having trouble hearing over the noise of the laser, "What?"

"That _noise_?" said Mckay gripping him by the arm and pointing upwards.

Lorne shrugged and turned back to the laser guy. He was taking a wide berth around their marker and seemed to have only made it inches up the door.

The creaking was continuing. Mckay couldn't hear it, but he was now sensing it. Something bad was about to happen, "Lorne, we need to move back."

"What?"

"We need to move back, stop the laser and listen."

Lorne finally, getting the picture, walked over to the laser guy and tapped him on the shoulder. Startled by the sudden contact he fumbled with the off switch and looked up at Lorne with a puzzled expression.

"Creaking," said Mckay looking up at the scaffolding.

Lorne stood silent for a moment, head upturned and waiting. He couldn't hear anything.

"I can't hear a thing," he said shrugging.

Mckay listened for the inevitable noise but it had disappeared. He was wondering whether it was his over reactive imagination when Lorne turned back to the laser guy to resume his work. It was in that split second that he heard the elusive creak again and without a further thought shouted, "Move! Now!"

Lorne looked around surprised, saw the crack starting to snake along the wall and dragged the laser guy out from the door before it all started coming down.

They all jumped back from the door, landing in a heap and turning to see the scaffolding, boards and ceiling coming down around Sheppard's only means of escape.

Mckay was up and on his feet before the last pieces of rubble fell to the ground and skidded to a stop by his feet.

He ran as fast he could back up to the gateroom, Lorne following him close behind him. He ran into the debriefing room where they were just getting the first images from the live feed and barged Zelenka out of the way, "The live feed," he said breathlessly.

"Rodney?" asked Zelenka.

Lorne ran into the room, stopping short behind him, "You think the rest of the structure came down?"

Mckay was typing away commands so fast he was sure his fingers were missing most of the necessary buttons, "I don't know, but we should-" He stopped as a fuzzy image started to relay information to them on the screen.

"It's fuzzy," said Lorne.

Mckay gave him an irritated look just as Elizabeth entered the room, "What's going on?"

"The whole section came down," said Lorne not tearing his eyes away from the screen.

"Sheppard?"

"That's what we're checking out now," said Mckay.

They waited patiently whilst Mckay fiddled with various buttons and Zelenka checked the feed connections, "How is it now?"

"Its getting better," said Mckay, "Ah there," he said pointing at the screen as an image appeared.

It was of Sheppard and the ship. The room was thankfully still intact.

"Oh thank god," said Mckay sitting back in his chair.

"That…looks painful," said Zelenka referring to Sheppard's current position.

From the fuzzy image they could still see the obvious discomfort that Sheppard was and the full extent of his injury.

"At least he's still alive," said Mckay.

Sheppard appeared to be saying something but none of them could make sense of it with their limited visual.

"Can we get sound on this?" asked Elizabeth.

Zelenka and Mckay shared a look, "Maybe," said Zelenka raising an eyebrow, "The same method for shielding might work with a microphone."

Mckay was shaking his head, "It would be distorted."

"It might work," said Zelenka crossing his arms defiantly, "We would just have to modify-"

"You can't just modify-"

"Guys," Lorne said as he fixed his eyes on the screen.

"We wouldn't be able to communicate with him and he wouldn't know it-"

"Guys," Lorne tried again.

Elizabeth frowned and stared at the screen.

"You have no idea what you're talking about as usual," snapped Mckay.

"Oh my god," Elizabeth put her hand up to her mouth.

Zelenka and Mckay turned around simultaneously, "What?"

"He hasn't seen it," said Lorne. He pointed at Sheppard who seemed to be sagging against the door. He had his eyes closed and his head rested back against the door.

"What?" asked Mckay.

He leant into the screen to get a better view.

"The wraith," he said finally clapping his own hand over his mouth.

"It's awake," said Lorne.

TBC

_Thanks for reading and reviewing._

_Mostly Shep from now on in case you were missing him._

_I'm having some real problems writing this for some reason so it's not up to my usual standard, (Must be out of practice!) but hope you're enjoying anyway. _

_Please REVIEW._


	4. Chapter 4

Sheppard had heard the muffled activity behind him and had known instantly what had happened. At this point in time his concern for his team mates and their safety was tempered by his own miserable situation.

He let his head rest against the door and he closed his eyes for the briefest of moments.

He didn't know whether he had sensed movement, whether some small part of his brain was attuned to a second presence, or whether it was the hot breath which was suddenly on his neck which made him snap his eyes open.

The moment he did he regretted it, tried to recoil and instead just aggravated his shoulder.

The wraith was standing in front of him, staring at him with a quizzical expression and narrowed eyes.

Sheppard licked his lips, found his eyes scanning the room for a way out and then ended up resting them back down on the rod in his shoulder.

If his friends didn't do something now, he would certainly be dying in this room today.

"Uh, hi," he managed to force out from his constricted throat.

The wraith continued to stare at him, unmoving, unflinching. It was as if he was fascinated by Sheppard.

"You couldn't give me a hand?" Sheppard asked indicating to the rod.

The wraith sniffed the air, leaned in slightly and then took a step back. Sheppard didn't know whether to be relieved or offended. He knew he'd been sweating a lot but despite everything he thought he smelt fine.

"Talkative aren't we," said Sheppard. He shifted against a twinge in his shoulder and willed his left hand to grip the handgun it was resting on. He managed the briefest of movement in his middle fingers, but he couldn't grab the weapon.

The wraith looked down at the weapon and his expression shifted to one of annoyance.

-----------

They had been watching the screen with a kind of morbid fascination. The wraith had moved towards Sheppard in one fluid motion and they had expected to see their worst fears confirmed on screen.

Sheppard having the life sucked from him.

Instead, the two men seemed to be having a stand off, with neither making a move. Not that Sheppard really had much choice in the matter at that moment in time.

"We have got to get in there," said Mckay standing up so quickly his chair toppled over.

"Lorne?" Elizabeth asked turning to the young Major. Her voice had risen in pitch and she was beginning to feel very aware of her inability to help her 2IC.

"We have no way of getting in. We risk bringing the whole structure down on top of Sheppard."

"Right now, I think he would prefer that alternative," said Mckay. He bought his hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Are we _sure _it would all come down?" asked Elizabeth.

"It might not," said Mckay hopefully and he resumed his pacing.

"This wraith is a problem," said Zelenka reclining in his seat, "How does it know we are here? And how did it evade our long range sensors?"

Elizabeth pursed her lips and shared a look with Mckay.

"I don't know," he muttered.

"We need to hear what's going on in there," said Elizabeth instinctively stroking the screen, "He must think we've deserted him."

"We need to work on a filter for that microphone," said Zelenka picking up his lap top.

He stopped beside Mckay and waited for the man to look up. Mckay looked truly dejected.

"Come on Rodney," said Zelenka.

Mckay seemed to snap out of his own turmoil and snatched the lap top off Zelenka.

-------------

Sheppard didn't know how much longer he could stare at this wraith. They had been locked in a two man stand off for the past few minutes and it seemed both of them were out of their depth.

He could feel his eyelids dropping and fought to stave off unconsciousness. He didn't need to be passed out at the moment.

"You have a name?" he asked pathetically.

The wraith walked over.

"Name?"

The wraith roughly gripped him by the shoulder. He wrenched him to the side to inspect the door and his perceived escape route.

Sheppard managed to bite his lip and keep quiet, despite the pain he was experiencing. He could feel himself being pulled forward slightly over the rod and as it grated on his nerve endings, reawakening them from their numbing sleep he felt himself retch. The motion of retching pulsed life to his headache and defeated he sagged, "Hey," he managed to grind out.

The wraith was still trying to get a better view of the door.

"You can't……get…out," he breathed in through the pain, "It's blocked," he choked out.

The wraith, angry, let him go and Sheppard fought to keep his legs straight and his weight up.

He stood there breathing in and out in pained increments, blinking repeatedly to keep himself lucid and swallowing every few seconds to beat down the nausea.

The wraith was watching him closely all the while.

Sheppard, at long last managed to look up and he said weakly, "What's your name?"

The wraith tilted his head to the side.

"Name?" frustrated Sheppard reached out and gripped the wall for support, "You guys never have names. Okay, we've had Bob, Steve…..how about Pete?"

The wraith made a guttural noise and Sheppard raised his good hand feebly, "Okay so you don't like Pete. What about Brian?"

No response.

"Okay Brian," he said. "Why-" He would have continued but again Brian the wraith was walking over to him and pulling him every which way trying to access the door.

"I told you," shouted Sheppard, "That it's blocked." He was starting to angry himself and suddenly remembered the P90 hooked to his tactical vest.

The wraith shoved him hard in his good shoulder, Sheppard let out a yelp and Brian stood close, breathing in his face, reading his eyes, "You should know," said Sheppard, his hand reaching up to the gun, "I'm contagious right now so I wouldn't stand too close to me," The wraith stepped closer, "I mean it. Shivers, fever, nausea-I've got it all." His fingers snaked around the trigger and he flicked on the A setting for automatic fire. If he got the chance, he knew his aim would be shaky and consciousness wasn't guaranteed, so he needed the action to be quick.

Brian took a step back and began his scan of the room. He was walking as far as he could to the edge of the walls, running taloned fingers over the cracks. He finally stopped at his ship, climbed up onto it and tried to look out to the sea. Frustrated it got back down onto level ground and let out a screech in anger.

"Hey!" Sheppard called out clapping one hand over his ear, "Don't overreact."

He tried to pull the P90 around to aim but it was caught. The strap was pulling the gun taught to his chest so he couldn't rotate it to fire.

Brian seeing this movement walked over to him in eerie silence. He growled, plucked the weapon out of Sheppard's hand, breaking the plastic clasp in the process, and eyed the P90 suspiciously.

"You _will_ let me leave here," Brian suddenly said. He turned the weapon on Sheppard. His finger didn't fit the trigger snugly and his grasp on the weapon was clumsy.

Sheppard smiled, "You _can_ talk."

Brian again regarded the gun with disgust, before turning it around and using the butt to smash Sheppard's face in.

TBC

_Review and I'll keep typing._

_Longer chapters from now on – I promise._


	5. Chapter 5

Usually when Sheppard was stirred from unconsciousness he would do so to the rhythmic bleeps of a life support system, the pinpoint of light and the smell of antiseptic. This time he wasn't so lucky and was being prodded awake by Brian who after knocking out Sheppard, wasn't appreciating the silence. Maybe he was just lonely.

"Get off," he slurred. He was pretty sure that he was having the worst headache of his life. It made him feel sluggish, his words slurred and it spiked and pulsed just behind his eyes with precision. He bought his hand up to give the damage a tentative prod. His cheek felt bruised to hell and as he ran his fingers along his cheekbone he felt the slickness of blood. He bought his hand down to his face to examine his stained fingers and his eyes blurred. He clamped them shut, swallowed hard and then forced them open with the resolve to give Brian a piece of his mind.

Brian was standing inches from him.

"I don't think I formally introduced myself before," said Sheppard straightening up, "I'm Lt Colonel John Sheppard. I don't know it you know what that rank means but I'll tell you. It means I'm very, _very_ important here and my team will be coming in here, getting me out of this _problematic_ situation and locking you up downstairs in a cell." He paused to get his breath, "So I would suggest that you quit prodding me, and maybe I'll be nice."

Brian blinked. There was a moment of silence and then he struck Sheppard across the shoulder hard. He ricocheted backwards, again his wound grating the rod.

"You will let me go," he said, spittle flying out of his mouth.

Sheppard blinked against the urge to pass out and shook his head, "You wont be leaving here. Alive that is."

Again he was struck across the shoulder and his grimace and low whine was enough to confirm to the wraith that he was doing just enough damage.

"How do I get out of here?" Brian asked gesticulating to the room.

"You know where you are?" asked Sheppard.

Silence again and Brian took a step back.

"You are dying," it said without a hint of regret.

Sheppard went silent.

He was impaled on a dirty metal rod and had been for the past – he figured it had been four hours-with no hope of getting out any time soon and with a raging fever which was no doubt lowering his already low immune system. He felt hot at the same time as feeling freezing cold. His head had reached a new pinnacle in pain and he had to shake himself physically every few minutes just to stay awake. His shoulder was excruciating and every movement hurt, but worryingly his arm was numb, cold even.

He knew he wouldn't survive much longer if he stayed there and he didn't need Brian to tell him that.

"How did you know we were here?" he asked Brian, trying to change the subject.

Brian was scanning the room. Instead of answering the directed question he stalked over to one of the walls and gave it a kick. The ceiling above it shook momentarily without coming down and Sheppard noted a small crack at the base of the wall.

"I wouldn't do that if I was you. Not unless you want to crush us both."

Brian gave him a cursory glance and kicked the wall again.

The crack seemed to move up the base of the wall, bleeding outwards and stopping.

"I mean it," said Sheppard. He wished he could move…any part of himself to stop the Wraith from taking potentially fatal actions. Again his thoughts drifted back to the gun at his calf holster and his lifeless hand resting atop it.

With Brian's attention elsewhere he tried to get his right hand around to his left leg, but he couldn't quite reach and instead his groan alerted the wraith to his devious movement.

Sheppard tried to instil the same tactic as before, "How did you know we were here?" he asked again.

Brian kicked at a piece of rubble on the floor, distracted, panicked even.

"Hey," Sheppard mustered up as much of his strength as possible to shout, "I'm asking you a question."

"You are not in any position to ask questions," said Brian matter-of-factly.

"Lets just say I'm interested," he said reaching up to the rod and using it as leverage to keep himself standing.

Brian looked thoughtful and turned away from him quickly. His white dreads flicked over his shoulder with the same dismissive flare and Sheppard sighed. This was going to be a long day.

"How come you crashed your dart?" asked Sheppard.

Silence.

"O-kay," he said nodding.

Brian continuing his streak, as a five year old insolent child, walked over to the dart, climbed over the assorted debris coating it and sat in the equivalent of the cockpit.

A noise above Sheppard's head, a kind of scrapping noise implored him to look up. It continued, slow and steady, moving just beyond the ceiling.

He arched his eyebrows and wondered what exactly he was listening to, before turning his attention back to Brian. He was powering up his dart. The vibrations were spilling debris off its front end, but also shaking the floors and walls around them.

Before Sheppard could call out, the dart powered down, obviously unable to take off and Brian jumped out of the cockpit and gave a screech of disapproval.

The noise above his head stopped suddenly and sharply.

Letting his eyes come back down to rest on the wraith he pushed himself through any haziness and attempted his line of questioning again, "So, now you know that you're trapped in here. Are you going to talk?"

Brian gave him a disgusted look, stepped forward with his hand raised and then stopped just as suddenly. He raised his head and sniffed.

Sheppard looked up at the ceiling, realised that somebody must be up there and then tried to turn the attention back on himself, "Hey ugly, you gonna talk?"

Brian launched forward and hovered his hand over Sheppard's chest, "I don't care if you are dying. Watching you in more pain will be enough." He ripped Sheppard's tactical vest open and was about to shred through his sodden black t-shirt when the sound of rubble pinging to the ground just to his left stirred his interest.

Both he and Sheppard looked up towards the source of the noise and watched as a small black wire was poked down into the room.

Sheppard squinted and saw that it was a microphone, no doubt it had been modified by Mckay to make it interference proof. It was one of the first things he would have done in a situation such as this. Find out what the hells going on in there.

Brian, lost in his new fascination, picked up the discarded P90 and aimed it up at the ceiling. Sheppard cursed himself for having previously primed the weapon. It now meant that Brian would be firing 700 rpm at whoever was above them.

Before he could speak the wraith was depressing the trigger and unleashing a torrent of ill aimed bullets at the ceiling. Some of it was concrete, it had just shifted when the ship impacted, but areas were broken and some of the bullets would be able to hit home.

Sheppard cursed and attempted to move. It hurt too much and he lacked the strength sufficient to carry out such a task, "Stop!" he called out, "Stop," he said this time, weaker.

The magazines fifty rounds were expelled quickly and soon the offending weapon was tossed to the side and the wraith climbed up some broken concrete to look at the microphone.

It regarded it with confusion and then walked back over to Sheppard, "What is that?" he asked.

-----------

Mckay had known from the beginning that volunteering to position the microphone had been a bad idea from the start. He didn't know why he even volunteered for the mission. The perfectionist part of him wanted that microphone to be positioned perfectly, within a range they could hear Sheppard and without being damaged in the process. The filter they had attached might have been accidentally broken if one of the hand-fisted marines had put it there and he didn't want to take that risk.

He had scrambled through the small space available to him, forgetting all threats of claustrophobia. Lorne and the others were waiting at its entrance and were supervising the harness that he was attached to in case the whole structure came down. He had scrambled as quietly as he could, his knees grating on the uncomfortable floor and elbows jarring with every move. He'd made it to the positioning site, carefully unravelled the microphone and dangled it down into the room with as much finesse as he could muster. Doctor Rodney Mckay was not attuned to finesse and as he twisted to turn around and retreat, his foot knocked some rubble and it had fallen. Time had both slowed and sped up in one infinitesimal moment and the rubble had hit the floor below. It's tiny ping resounding in his head and his heart.

The next thing he knew was that Sheppard was calling out in a strained voice laced with pain and a spray of bullets assaulted his position.

He cowered, rolled into a ball and waited until the sound stopped.

It stopped, his heart rate slowed and he smiled.

That was until he looked down and saw the blood all over his thigh and the miniscule crack below his legs. He'd been hit by one of the bullets and probably cowered in the only place where he could get hit.

He stifled a cry, gripped his leg as tight as he could and within the confines of the small space started the slow journey back to Lorne.

He practically tumbled out the other end, grabbing his leg and rolling from side to side moaning in pain, "I got it," he managed to grind out through the pain, "but I don't know for how long," he said.

Ronon's strong hands clamped down on his shoulder and Teyla placed a comforting hand in his own. He had never been so welcome of human attention and affection in his life.

-----------

"You better not have injured them," said Sheppard. He was feeling angry and somewhat relieved that his friends hadn't completely abandoned him.

Brian pushed one finger towards the rod and pressed around his open wound, "What is that?"

Sheppard groaned. Sweat was leaking from his forehead at a rate that suggested he'd now probably die from dehydration.

"What?"

Sheppard felt his vision hazing, "No."

"What?" Brain asked again. There was no indication in his eyes that he was going to relent.

"No."

"Again," said Brian. He pushed his finger past the rod, sliding it into the wound and Sheppard let out a wail of agony.

"Mic-rophone," he said feeling the haze creep further.

Brian retracted his finger and examined the blood, "They can hear us?"

Sheppard looked straight ahead, his chin trembling with the effort not to scream like a girl.

-------------

"Ahhhhh!"

Elizabeth Weir turned away from the screen. For the first time in god knows how many years, probably since she was a child watching a horror movie, she put her hands over her ears to dull out Sheppard's cry.

"Do we have audio?" she heard Lorne ask over the radio.

"Yes," she said grimacing, "We do."

"I'm glad it was worth it," said Lorne grimly, "Because Mckay just got shot because of it."

"Is he okay?"

"Lost a lot of blood in his thigh, but Beckett says he should be okay."

Elizabeth sat back in her chair, eyes focused on the screen, "We need to get in there."

"I've had some thoughts on that ma'am."

"Tell away," she said.

------------

He didn't know about the camera, Sheppard thought. At least that was a consolation. That feed was over in the other corner and he had paid it no attention. Now however, Brian was staring up at the audio feed, anger flashing in his eyes.

"How did you know we were here?" asked Sheppard. He had finally managed to get himself back to a state of balance amongst the pain.

Silence.

If this audio feed was shortly going to be torn down and Sheppard was going to die, he wanted this move to not have been made in vain. He needed information.

"Hey?"

Silence.

"Did you know we were here?"

Brian turned slowly.

Sheppard shook his head and looked ahead.

"No."

Sheppard smiled on realising that Atlantis' secret wasn't out. "Then why were you here and how did you evade out long range sensors?"

Brian approached him with the usual disrespect for his personal space and breathed his fetid breath into his face, "How did Atlantis survive?"

Sheppard blinked slowly. He wondered how that was an effort for him and realised he was beginning to fade.

Beginning to die.

He was prodded in the arm.

"I guess it doesn't matter if I tell you. You wont get out of here so-" Another jab to his ribs and he flinched back, "Shield." He said, "Now your turn. The crash and the sensors. Why and how?"

Brian flashed his serrated teeth in a stretched smile, "I don't see why I can't tell you, as you and everyone else here will die when I have escaped."

"Was that a sense of humour?" asked Sheppard.

Another prod.

"I dropped out of hyper drive without warning……..darts new…_additions _failed."

"Additions?" asked Sheppard. He narrowed his eyes as his mind reeled with what experimentation the Wraith were doing with their ships.

Brian smiled but didn't answer.

"You don't have long left," said Brian.

Sheppard kept his face neutral, "I have a _really_ good Doctor."

Brian pulled his lips tightly over his teeth and turned, flicked Sheppard in the face with his dreads and walked over to the microphone. He pulled on it to get it close to his mouth.

--------

"What is he doing?" asked Elizabeth as she watched the screen.

The wraith had took off into the corner next to the microphone.

--------

"I know you can hear me," said Brian.

There was no response and as Sheppard had feared Brian now knew that conversation was one way.

"They can't answer you," said Sheppard.

"I know you can hear me," he repeated through a slightly lispy voice.

-------

"I can hear you," whispered Elizabeth to herself.

------

"I need to get out of here." It paused. "Off Atlantis," It said the name slowly.

"What are you doing?" asked Sheppard in his bored voice he reserved only for Rodney.

"You find a way for me to leave here. In the meantime I'll amuse myself by torturing.." he stopped and gave Sheppard a smile, "your Colonel Sheppard."

-------

Elizabeth rose from her seat, watched as the wraith wrenched his hand back and severed the audio connection. Static screeched at her and she watched in horror as the wraith approached Sheppard.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

An hour had passed since Brian had ripped out the audio feed and Sheppard was beginning to feel like the others had forgotten about him. He really hoped that wasn't the case, but he knew their options had become limited by now and securing Atlantis and keeping civilians safe was more of a priority.

He was lost in his own thoughts when Brian suddenly came over to him, pulled him forward and reached around his back. When he pushed Sheppard back he realised that he had grabbed his hunting knife. Brian examined it for a second before discarding it at his feet.

Next, he moved onto his 9mil Beretta. He whipped it out of his calf holster and gave it a quizzical look before hooking it into the front of his belt.

After that he methodically went through the contents of Sheppard's tactical vest pockets.

He was building up quite a collection on the floor next to his feet.

He pulled out the two power bars that Sheppard had put aside for their mission, a pack of gum, his portable taser, (Which he had only recently made mandatory for his men to carry), his lighter, pack of matches and some field dressing he always kept just in case.

He patted down Sheppard's pockets, pulling out his penknife and dropped it to join the others.

"They won't let you out of here," said Sheppard. He was surprised at how raspy his voice sounded and felt his eyelids fluttering, "Which means they won't be getting me out of here." The statement depressed him more than he had anticipated and the reality of it was like a slap to the face.

He couldn't see how this situation had a good ending.

Not anymore.

Brian moved down to his boots and felt around his ankle. He withdrew the small knife Sheppard kept there and stood up swiftly, waving the knife around in front of Sheppard's face. "Is your life not enough to convince them?" he asked advancing on him.

Sheppard eyed the blade up and shifted his eyes to Brian, "I'd hope so."

Brian pushed the knife up against his throat with the slightest of pressure. Sheppard held his breath, trying not to let his exhalation be the death of him.

"You have a gate? Ships?" asked the wraith. He pressed the knife a bit harder and Sheppard could feel a small rivulet of blood roll down and over his Adam's apple.

Sheppard didn't answer.

The knife was withdrawn and Brian took a step back, "I will be leaving here. One way or another."

-------------------------------------------

Elizabeth had taken to pacing. She wasn't usually accustomed to it. It was more of a Rodney Mckay thing than an Elizabeth Weir thing, but over the past few hours her heart rate and blood pressure had all risen to unmanageable levels and she was beginning to feel as though she was losing control.

Teyla and Ronon were sitting across from her, their eyes glued to the screen.

"Sheppard is strong," Ronon was saying.

Teyla was nodding, her eyes following Elizabeth's movements.

She looked up when one of the Engineers entered the room. Her eyes roamed from one person to another and she approached Elizabeth hesitantly, "The generators below Colonel Sheppard can't be switched off. We tried, but, they're just too critical to Atlantis." She licked her lips and looked over to the screen, watched briefly before turning back to her superior.

Elizabeth nodded and sank back into her usual seat, "Okay, it was worth a try," she said rubbing a hand across her forehead.

"Perhaps you should get some rest?" suggested Teyla.

"I'm fine," Elizabeth said politely. She knew she wasn't okay. She was scared. Terrified for Sheppard's health and even more terrified of what her reaction would be if he died.

"How is the Colonel?" the engineer asked. She had never spoken to Colonel Sheppard directly but she always liked him. There was something about a man who exuded that much confidence which immediately drew her to him.

"Beckett says he can't last much longer." Elizabeth looked over to Ronon and Teyla.

"We haven't informed the rest of the base of the Colonels situation," said Teylaturning to her.

"At the moment it would just panic staff so I'd appreciate it if you could keep this to yourself Addison. For now anyway." Said Elizabeth.

"Of course," said Addison. She looked at the screen again, watched Sheppard's mouth move, "I see he's named this one already."

Elizabeth's eyebrows crinkled, "I'm sorry?"

"Brian," she said with a small smile.

Elizabeth was up from her chair again, sharing glances and moving across the room in two steps, "How did you-"

Addison looked embarrassed, "I'm partially deaf," she said and indicated to the innocuous hearing aids nestled in her ear, "I've been able to lip-read ever since I was a child."

For the first time in hours Elizabeth felt herself perking up.

"Lip read?" asked Teyla.

"Yes, literally reading peoples lips," said Elizabeth excitedly.

"If you want I could translate to you what's being said. I don't know how useful I would be, but, I'd like to help," said Addison.

Elizabeth walked over to the screen and pulled out an extra chair, "Could you?"

Addison scanned the others uncomfortably, pushed a hand through her short brown hair, and then slowly approached the screen. Sheppard looked like a broken man. He was leaning heavily and she could see that his skin looked ashen.

"He's not happy," said Addison.

"What's he saying?" asked Lorne as he entered the room. He'd been listening at the door but maintaining distance at the same time. He was still trying to iron out some kinks in his plan and felt he needed the extra time to collect himself before going in.

"I'm not so sure I can repeat what he just said." She turned to Elizabeth, "Lets just say it was an expletive of sorts."

Lorne smiled briefly before reacting when his earpiece crackled, "Okay, I'll be right there," he turned to Elizabeth, "The Jumper's ready."

"Okay, you're clear to go. Keep in radio contact and let me know what's going on up there."

"Yes ma'am."

The wraith was approaching Sheppard with a knife.

"I cant read the wraiths mouth, he's away from the camera," said Addison, "but Sheppard..he's…again, not happy." She blushed red, "Boy, he really knows some swears."

They all watched transfixed as the wraith took the knife and scored it across Sheppard's arm. He seemed to flinch, screw up his face and then shout.

Elizabeth turned away, Ronon hit the table with his fist and Addison continued to watch the scene play out.

"He's telling the wraith he won't get out."

Elizabeth kept flicking her eyes over to Addison's, studying her and waiting for the next instalment.

"Oh," she said putting her hand up to her mouth.

"What is it?"

"He doesn't think he's going to get out either."

------------------

Mckay had woken up an hour ago, his leg heavily bandaged and too much morphine surging through his head. He felt like he was looking through frosted glass and attempted to shatter it by calling for Beckett.

"What is it Rodney?" Becket emerged from his office.

"I need to get out of here," he stated, "I don't know what's going on? Did they get him out?" he was looking around at the empty beds.

Beckett placed his hand on his shoulder and attempted to get him back into a comfortable position, "No change," he said unhappily.

"The audio feed?" asked Mckay.

Beckett shook his head.

"So all of this," said Mckay pointing at his injury, "For nothing." He sat back heavily in the bed looking exhausted, "I need my laptop."

"Rodney, you need to rest."

"At a time like this," he exclaimed, "Carson, you may be able to sit around and wait but I can't. I need my laptop so I can _see_ what's going on in that room."

"It hasn't changed Rodney and it doesn't make for pleasant viewing. Believe me."

Mckay sighed, "He will think we've left him in there."

"Major Lorne is working on trying to get a jumper up there-"

"He is?"

"As we speak."

"Well in that case. Get my earpiece as well." He crossed his arms.

-----------------

The jumper was in stealth mode and getting into position as carefully as possible. It was proving more difficult than first anticipated. For one the area they were trying to get to was crowded with towers and cables; one false move and they could take out another Atlantean structure, and two, they had to be far enough away so that they would be undetected by the wraith but close enough for a good shot. It seemed that too far was too far and too close was _way_ too close for comfort.

"How are you doing?" he asked the Lt who was trying in vain to keep his concentration levels at maximum.

"Okay," he said moving the controls slightly to the left, "This is a tight manoeuvre," he said biting his lip, "And the only guy who could do it with any kind of style is unfortunately in there," he said risking a look up.

Lorne tapped him on the shoulder, "Keep up the good work. We need to have the rear hatch pointed in their direction and we need to be steady. Once we open the hatch we won't be in stealth and we'll only have a few minutes to get a clean shot. If we haven't managed to take it in 60 seconds I want us out of here."

"Sir, that's not a lot of time."

"We stick around any longer and the wraith might see us and take a shot at us or, even worse, take it out on the Colonel."

The Jumper was edged between two of the west towers, inches from touching them.

A sniper had set up his equipment at the hatch and was already staring through the eyepiece in preparation.

"Ready?" asked Lorne pulling his P90 out just in case.

The sniper nodded, "Yes Sir, when you open the hatch I'll have a few seconds to locate the target and fire."

Lorne understood all too well the pressures which were resting squarely on this seasoned snipers shoulders, "Lt, open the rear hatch."

There was a delay just before the rear hatch began to creep upwards. Jumpers weren't meant to fly with the rear hanging open and it pitched once or twice before settling. The side of the hull scraped one of the towers with a loud grinding noise as the young Lt tried to steady the ship.

"I don't know how long I can hold it," he said as he held onto the controls with white knuckles.

The sniper was looking through his eye piece, acquired the target and kept his finger over the trigger, "Sir I have the target in sight. He's stood in front of the Colonel. Should I fire?"

"If you shoot will you hit the Colonel?" asked Lorne. His heart was pumping so hard he could hear and feel it.

"That's affirmative."

There was a beat and Lorne looked down at his watch; 30 seconds.

"Should I fire?"

The jumper pitched again and Lorne steadied himself by hanging onto one of the supply racks on the inner hull, "Can you hold us steady?"

The Lt was starting to sweat, "We're in a pocket of resistance and with the rear hatch open I can't stabilise us. I give us minutes before we start losing altitude."

Lorne sighed, "You'd think these things could fly with the door open." He shook his head, "Has he moved?"

"No Sir, he's still covering the Colonel."

Lorne knew that with his back to them the wraith couldn't see them, but they still didn't have time for indecisiveness. "Doctor Weir," he called into his earpiece.

"Yes Major."

"We have the wraith in sight. We could fire but there's a chance it could hit Sheppard."

There was a pause, "Fatal?"

The Jumper pitched and the sniper cursed, "I can't keep the target in sight with all this movement."

"At this range, yes," said Lorne. "You got visual?" he asked the sniper.

"Yes Sir."

"Moved?"

"No."

"Doctor Weir, It's up to you."

There was silence over the airwaves and Lorne was getting ready to make the decision himself.

"No," Elizabeth suddenly said, "No don't fire."

Lorne held on as the jumper started to drop, "Okay, hold your fire, close the hatch, we're going back down."

"Sir?"

"You heard me. This mission has been aborted. Take us down."

--------------

It had since gone dark outside and Sheppard was really starting to worry.

For the first time since his injury he had looked outside, _properly_ looked outside. Tonight he could see the far west towers, their lights flickering. He expected that there would be people moving around the city now, finishing up for the day and going back to their comfortable quarters.

He wondered if he would ever see his quarters again or if his last image of Atlantis would be this hateful and depressing room.

He felt himself dropping off and his eyes closing before he could stop himself.

An acute pain on his stomach made him jolt awake and the smell of something burning. He realised with a sick hollowness that it was him.

Brian was standing in front of him and holding an extinguished matchstick in his hand, looking at it with keen interest.

Sheppard fought the fuzziness in his head, could feel himself drifting away again as he had often today, but was again startled back to awareness by the searing flame to flesh sensation.

"Cut it out," he slurred, trying to keep his eyes open in a bid for consciousness.

His shoulder and arm were numb and cold and he could feel the dizziness in his head pervade every thought and movement. He didn't want to be awake now. He wanted to pass out, but Brian wasn't letting him.

Again his eyes were closing. He felt as though he had no control over his body anymore. He was merely residing within in his head, watching from an eerie perspective and unable to intervene.

-------------

Elizabeth was warming a cup of coffee between her hands when she noticed Addison stiffen in her seat and her eyes water. They had been watching for hours now. Every second that they sat there was painful and a constant reminder of their inability to help him.

Sheppard was strong and Elizabeth knew from experience that he had a high thresh-hold for pain. She was convinced that he could hold on just that bit longer.

Just until they tried to take the jumper up again.

He had to.

"What did he say?" she asked, leaning forward and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Addison was quiet and instead of answering Elizabeth's question, she silently got up and walked out of the room.

Elizabeth waited a few seconds, casting her eyes over to the screen, before getting up to follow.

She found Addison outside on the balcony, breathing in and out heavily, pushing back tears.

"I don't know if I can continue to watch this," she said.

Elizabeth walked up to the balcony and leant on it, "This won't last much longer."

"Perhaps you should have taken the shot," said Addison.

"You think I made the wrong decision?"

Addison was silent.

"What did John say?"

Addison licked her lips before speaking. "He said he wants to die."

TBC

_This was a really difficult chapter to write for some reason. I hope the effect of it isn't too hashed and you know what I'm trying to convey. Elizabeth's vigil, John's defeat, Rodney and Lornes abject misery at not being able to help. _

_You know, that kind of thing._

_PLEASE REVIEW._


	7. Chapter 7

"Why won't you let me die in peace?" Sheppard called out after being singed with a match for what seemed like the millionth time.

His eyelids were closing and he was on the verge of that blissful darkness when he felt a hand cup his chin and squeeze. Sheppard opened one eye drunkenly and sighed, "Just let me pass out, _please_, for five minutes at least. _Then_ you can wake me back up in whatever mode you wish."

Brian squeezed his face until he bought his head up and opened his eyes fully.

If it was at all possible, Sheppard could _feel_ how pale he looked. He felt drained, he was sure he couldn't have much blood left deducing he must look like a ghost by now.

Brian let go and Sheppard's head rocked backwards. He started to let his eyes close and again he was gripped in the same stronghold until he reopened them and appeared alive.

"Fine," he groaned, "You want to talk. Talk."

Brian curved his mouth upwards in the semi-darkness of the room.

It was nearly morning and nobody had come to rescue him. Had he been awake all those hours? Or had he drifted in and out during the various methods of torture? Sheppard couldn't remember, but he could feel every indication of his anguish.

"Where did you originate?" asked Brian. He stepped back and began to circle the room.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Sheppard innocently. He smiled half heartedly, groaned and felt his head touch his chin as he nearly passed out.

Brian was over to him in seconds, pressing his finger into his wound and bringing Sheppard back to life with a grunt.

"Where?"

"I'm not going to tell you where I'm from," said Sheppard through gritted teeth. He spared a look at his shoulder. He wondered what kind of nerve damage he had and whether he would ever be able to use his P90 again. If he couldn't use a gun they'd probably ship him back to earth and then what would he do. Would he be able to fly? He was slapped across the face and he bought his attention back to Brian, "I won't tell you."

Brian bought his hand up to Sheppard's head.

"I have nothing left to lose," he said.

"You don't need to _tell _me." Brian was trying to probe his mind, trying to get him to reveal the location of Earth, but he wasn't going to tell him anything. He could feel the wraith searching his mind and with every failed hunt he could feel a strange burst of pain across and within his head. With as much of his strength he was blocking and it was starting to prove too much.

He was weakening.

"Stop!" he called out bringing up his good hand and digging his nails into the wraiths wrist.

Brian stumbled back and retaliated with another jab, "Earth," it said with an evil grin. "You come from earth."

"But like hell you know where it is," said Sheppard without a further thought.

He couldn't keep awake much longer. The strain was hurting him. He felt like he was being tugged into oblivion and forced into a painful existence by Brian all at once. If this was his intended method of torture, it was working.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Sheppard asked. He was confused at the question.

"Why did you come here?"

"We're explorers," said Sheppard without feeling like he was giving anything away.

"Explorers," repeated Brian. He narrowed his eyes and after a moment bought his hand up to his head as if he were in pain.

Sheppard was wondering what was wrong with him when he got his answer. Brian bought his hand to rest over Sheppard's chest.

After a minute, Brian looked pissed off and he took a step backwards, "You are too weak. I would gain no nourishment from you."

"Damn," said Sheppard, "I'm sorry to hear that."

"You're friends wont be spared the same treatment."

Sheppard bit his lip. Part of him hoped he would die in here. That way they could bring down the whole structure and kill this wraith before he could become a bigger problem.

"You'll die in here," said Sheppard, "One way or another."

Brian walked over to one of the far walls and leant against it. He then slid down to sit on the floor and rested his head on his knees.

"Not feeling too good?" asked Sheppard.

The wraith looked up at him.

--------------------

It seemed that at one point in the night most people had left to go to bed. That meant that the gateroom was quiet with only a few people milling around.

Elizabeth and Addison were still locked away in the debriefing room, their chairs pointing towards the screen, their eyes locked on the man having more than his fifteen minutes of fame.

"You should go rest," said Elizabeth.

Addison was leaning on the arm rest, balancing her elbow and resting her head on her palm, "No, I'm good. Now I'm sat here I kind of want to be here to the end." She flinched at those words. She wasn't sure what _end_ she was talking about. "How about you?"

Elizabeth turned to her and gave her a tired smile, "Its John." She stretched, "I couldn't sleep."

Addison knew what she meant instantly. She flicked her eyes over to the coffee pot, "You fancy a perk up?"

"Yeah, black, no sugar," said Elizabeth yawning.

"I know how you take your coffee by now," said Addison getting up and stretching herself. They'd been taking it in turns for the past, god knows how many, hours.

She filled two mugs with coffee and wandered back over to her designated chair, never taking her eyes off Sheppard.

"Thanks," Elizabeth received her coffee and balanced it on her arm rest.

"I'm surprised you've managed to keep this so quiet."

"Me too. But believe me we tell people what's going on and it will cause more problems. I don't like lying to them." She looked exhausted and saddened by her statement.

"Can you believe he's still awake?" said Addison.

"What's he saying?"

Addison concentrated on his lips and then sat back, "He's just giving Brian a piece of his mind."

"Stubborn man," said Elizabeth.

"He's like the energizer bunny. You just can't keep him down," said Addison. She looked back to the screen. He was so pale. She'd watched him over the hours as his appearance had gone from bad to worse and his pallor had sank to frighteningly ashen depths.

"How are you going to get him out of this Ma'am?"

Elizabeth rubbed at her eyes and the exhaustion she felt there, "I honestly don't know. We're going to attempt another run with the Jumper tomorrow but-," she paused and stifled the lump in her throat, "We might have to start thinking about Atlantis' security. We can't let that wraith remain in there much longer and John…" she breathed in shakily, "Its too bad the Daedalus isn't around. We could just beam him out."

Addison nodded, "How far out are they?"

"Twelve days. I don't think even John could last that long." She pursed her lips, "I've never felt so powerless. I mean, when they go off-world I _feel _powerless but, there is always something I can do. Send out a search party, negotiate for their release, I can always keep them, _him_, safe. But this," she shook her head, "I can't help him here and it feels-"

"The important thing is that perspective isn't lost here. Sheppard is still alive and for now we cling to that and that wraith isn't going anywhere."

"But he's torturing him before our eyes and all I, we, can do is watch." She stood up and sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's understandable."

"I don't usually let my worries become public. I've gotton used to restraining them."

"Why don't you go and get some air? I'll keep watch here."

Elizabeth nodded, "I'll be back in a few minutes. Call me if anything happens."

"Okay."

--------

Brian hadn't moved in a long time but Sheppard knew he was still awake. He'd just grown bored of playing and fatigued with hunger pangs.

Sheppard, despite this prime opportunity to pass out, stayed awake. He couldn't switch off even though his body begged for it.

"Oh shit," he said to himself.

-------

"Language," said Addison with the briefest of smiles.

-------

"If anyone can hear me, get me the hell out of here. I'm starting to get that abandoned feeling." He tried to move his hand again with limited success, "We don't leave people behind."

--------

"We can hear you. _I_ can hear you."

She stroked the screen, pulled her hand back embarrassed and wondered what the hell she was doing.

------

"I guess you can't. Or maybe you have given up. Or I'm delusional." He breathed out and shifted his eyes over to the wraith. He wasn't reacting to his monologue. "I don't want this asshole to win." He waited, but Brian was still. "Brian, you out?" Nothing. "Talking to stay alive. I'm _trying_ to stay alive." He shook his head, "I never expected to die here in Atlantis."

------

Addison sighed a shaky breath. Watching him talking like this was upsetting. If only he knew the truth that each of his friends, throughout the day, had taken their vigil at this screen. That each of his friends had spoken kind words and encouraged him to live.

-------

"God if I could just fly that puddle jumper _one_ last time," he smiled, "Or finish War and Peace-"

-------

"That books overrated," said Addison sipping her coffee.

-------

"I've been on page twenty two for a year." He wondered within in his own mind where he had actually put that book. He hadn't seen it in his room for a while. "And surf off the mainland," he was shaking his head again. He laughed.

--------

"Surf?" Addison said with a scowl.

-------

"One last kiss," he sai unconsciously rubbing his lips, "One last kiss with…..hell, Eliza--"

------

"What's he saying?"

Addison jumped in her seat and near spilled coffee all over herself. She looked up to see Elizabeth standing over her.

"Oh, he's just talking, nothing really," she stuttered.

"He needs to get some sleep," said Elizabeth sitting down in the chair next to her.

----------

Morning.

Light was pouring into the structurally damaged room and it pulled Sheppard up and out of his sleep. He blinked a couple of times and realised how sluggish he felt. Brian was still sitting by the wall but he was just staring at him now.

"Today might be your lucky day," said Sheppard. He was feeling woozy, disoriented and most definitely sick. He was disturbed to find that his temperature hadn't abated and his heart was feeling fluttery in his chest. He'd had enough.

"Your friends don't care about you," said Brian. He stood up slowly.

"I'm sure they did everything they could," said Sheppard, "In the same situation, I'd probably let me die too."

Brian walked stiffly into the centre of the room. "Today I leave here."

"Good luck with that," said Sheppard.

-----------

"Okay Ma'am, we are in position." Lorne walked over to the rear hatch. He was getting the distinct feeling of déjà vu and he wasn't liking it one bit.

"Okay Major, please kill that wraith."

"We'll try," he said and signed off.

His sniper was in position, his Lt was ready for the inevitable shift in the puddlejumpers aerodynamics and he was holding onto the supply rack, "Okay, open the rear hatch. Lewis, you get a shot you take him down without hesitation. Then we'll need to get as close as possible to get in there."

"Yes sir."

The rear hatch started to rise and they braced themselves for the initial shift. The Lt managed to control it better and he called out, "Okay I have it steady."

"Lewis?"

"Target locked. The wraith is…centre of the room, the Colonel isn't within proximity. I take this shot we have him."

Lorne smiled, "Lt get ready to manoeuvre us to the opening. Lewis, take the damn shot."

---------

Brian suddenly felt the surge of pain in his back but it didn't take him down. He twisted his arm up and back and felt the slickness indicative of injury.

------

"He hasn't gone down,"

"Fire again."

--------

The second shot which struck him in the back took him to his knees but he could still move through the pain.

It would have to be now or never.

He stood up and walked over to Sheppard who looked confused as hell with the current situation.

"What are you doing?" he asked. His words were slurred and mumbled.

Without a further thought, Brian started to pull Sheppard off the rod.

"No," he held out his good hand and dug his fingers into the wraiths shoulder.

Brian knocked his hand away and pulled him the rest of the way. Sheppard let out a howl of pain and instantly collapsed to the ground. Brain looked down at his lifeless body and watched as blood started to flow freely from the wound in his shoulder.

Realising that he would need some strength, he walked over to Sheppard, held his hand up to feed on his albeit pathetic remains and was about to start the feeding process, when something glinted above his head.

He walked over and pulled it out.

----

The screen suddenly went blank and Elizabeth and Addison both shot up from their seats at the same time.

"Major, we've lost visual."

----

Mckay jerked in his bed, knocked his food tray to the floor, and depressed his earpiece, "We lost feed," he said holding onto his laptop before it could fall to the floor as well.

Beckett skidded around the corner, "What's going on?"

"The wraith just pulled Sheppard off the rod and pulled the damn feed."

Beckett walked over to the bed and looked at the static on the screen, "We need to get him out of there now. That was the worst thing that could have happened right now."

"Why?" asked Mckay.

"Because if we don't get to him within the next few minutes he'll die. His blood will be pooling out of him now his blood pressure has changed."

-----

Brian examined the lead in his hand for a few moments before rushing over to where Sheppard had previously been impaled and reached his fingers into the crack at the bottom of the door. He started to pull and bend the metal.

Meanwhile, Sheppard was stirring on the floor. Everything felt hazy and garbled but he knew he was no longer impaled and something in his mind told him that that was actually a bad thing.

He reached out with his good right arm and settled it on one of the field dressings, which had been dropped, and whilst Brian was otherwise engaged in forging an escape route, he sat up sluggishly, pulled off his tactical vest and then without a further thought shoved the dressing into the wound. He grunted, stifled a cry, and watched as the dressing soaked through with blood. He knew he didn't have much time before he bled to death and had to get out now.

He got up slowly and moved dizzily over to the dart. He dragged himself up with his good arm and dropped into the cockpit.

His hand fumbled over the controls, and he searched for buttons which looked like weapons fire. At this point, he wasn't sure the weapons would even work but he had to try. Either way he was going to die and either way it seemed like this wraith was going to get free.

He peered over the edge of the cockpit, and pressed as many buttons as possible. Eventually, he hit home and the dart launched a weapon at the wraith.

The inevitable was triggered by the blast and after a moment of quiet rumblings, the structure began to give. First a few choice pieces of rubble started to litter the floor like hard rain, then the walls seemed to sag and gyrate. After than it was only a matter of seconds before the ceiling seemed to slide and concrete started to shower down.

------

"The structures coming down," shouted Lorne, "I don't believe it. The whole room, its-"

Elizabeth held her breath, "John?"

TBC

_Reviews make my fingers type faster. So please, if you read it, review it._

_Shep is on his way to getting out……._


	8. Chapter 8

_Short chapter…well it's the weekend._

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A slab of concrete had fallen down over the cockpit and had missed connecting with Sheppard by inches. He'd managed to duck just in time before it struck above, shattering the forward controls with its aftershock.

The room had been silent after that, but now he could hear various creaks and groans around him, somewhat muted by his own fragile consciousness.

He tried to shift, push the concrete up and off the cockpit, but his attempts were futile. With only one good arm he wasn't getting anywhere and he slunk back in his seat realising he would have to rely on his friends to get him out of this mess.

Seconds later, far too soon for them to have reached him, the slab was being removed.

He could hear the slab grating above him and finally it was dropped to the ground with a resounding thud.

He looked up just in time for hands to be clamped around his throat. Brian was looming over his with a face contorted with anger and determination. Dark blood was spilling from a cut on his head and some of it fell onto Sheppard.

He tried to pull away from the wraiths grasp but he just didn't have the strength. With the live feed severed he knew he was fighting alone.

To make matters worse the dart was suddenly groaning and pitching backwards.

Sheppard tried to get some leverage to move but his shoulder was leaking blood fast and was aching so bad it was hard to keep his mind off it and on the task of survival.

"We need to stop moving," he managed to choke out.

Brian was squeezing harder. The dart was teetering on the edge.

"We're going to-"

The dart finally lost its precarious balance and started to point downwards towards the water below.

Suddenly, the dart was falling. Sheppard gripped hold of the consoles in front of him whilst Brian clung onto him and continued to choke him.

They hit the water hard, the ship seemed to bounce up off the waves, pivot and then there was an eternity in which it froze mid air before they landed upside down in the water.

Sheppard managed to twist out of the seat and ended up with his head in the upturned cockpit, treading water for all his life. He coughed when some went down his throat.

He was moving in a circle, not only trying to stay above the water level but also trying to seek out Brian. There was no sign of him.

His head dipped below the water and he tried to kick back up the surface. He reached a shaking hand up to grab hold of the inside of the ship and tried to stave of the overwhelming tiredness he felt.

The water was freezing cold and as a light lit the small air space he could see the water turning red with his blood.

He seemed to have a habit of going from one bad situation to another even worse situation. If he wasn't dead before this, he was sure it was going to finish him off.

He wiped water out of his eyes.

"Shit."

Hands pulling him from below dragged him down into the water before he could take a vital and full breath of air. As he strained to not expel air and choke on liquid, he could see that Brian was dragging him down even further.

He tried to kick out but it was ineffectual.

He used his good arm to swing out at the wraith but his arm moved so slowly it didn't reach home, instead, a plethora of bubbles flew up in his face.

He couldn't hold his breath for much longer, and spying the berretta in the wraiths waistband, he reached for it, pressed it against the wraiths shoulder and fired. There was a fifty, fifty chance it would work and thankfully the bullet expelled. The water resistance slowed it considerably, but it still afforded the wraith some pain and it gave Sheppard enough time to get away. Using the wraith as leverage, he hooked his foot onto his shoulder and pushed as hard as he could.

He looked up, could see the shape of the dart and aimed to come out of the water just beside it, all the while breathing out his final supply of oxygen. His shoulder was leaking blood in a fiery trail behind him as he kept his eyes forward and focused. When he reached the surface he was so exhausted his head went straight under again. He popped back up, spat out water and reached for the external hull of the dart.

He held on tight, breathing in and out in slow, tired increments.

He could hear something above his head and looked up to see the familiar object blotting out the sun.

He rested his head against the ship, felt his grip slipping and waited for the inevitable crush of water.

It never came.

Hands gripped him by his t-shirt before he could sink beneath the water.

And then everything went hazy.

-----------

As they waited with baited breath for the gurney to turn the corner Elizabeth shared a look with Addison.

"I hope he's okay," said Addison.

Suddenly, there was a flurry of activity up ahead of them and Elizabeth could see the gurney being pushed towards them. Beckett was at the side of it already making checks and other doctors and nurses were attempting to steer the steel trolley.

When they finally reached them, assembled at the door to the infirmary, Beckett indicated for the gurney to be stopped.

Sheppard was lying on the gurney, cold, wet and shivering but he was alive. He was also sporting some impressive padding on his shoulder to stem the bleeding.

Elizabeth reached out for his hand, gave it a supportive squeeze and then said, "You're okay now."

She swallowed the lump in her throat.

"You…okay?" he managed to rasp out.

Elizabeth realised that her face must have conveyed to him her worry and she tried to cover it up with a smile.

"Don't worry about me John. Worry about you for once."

There were bruises on his pale face and when she scanned his stomach she could see red welts and angry blisters.

"Don't worry about me," he managed to slur through the thick fog in his brain.

He managed to smile, his weak grasp slipped from hers and then Beckett was wheeling him into the infirmary.

"How is he?" asked Elizabeth before he could run off.

Beckett hovered at the door, unconsciously fiddling with his latex gloves as he spoke, "We're taking him straight into the surgery. We need to stop that bleeding and fix any nerve damage he may have sustained. I'll know more when I get in there," he gave them a solemn smile, "It's going to be a long slog. You might want to think about getting some rest. Both of you."

Beckett left Elizabeth and Addison outside and walked through into the infirmary. Sheppard had been taken through to a private room and was being prepped for surgery.

"Was that Sheppard? Somebody? Hello?"

Beckett walked over to Mckay's bed, "Yes that was Sheppard."

"Is he okay? Why has he gone in there?" He was at the edge of the bed, his good leg touching the floor, his other still straight on the bed. He strained to see over Beckett's shoulder.

Beckett helped him back up, "We're going to be performing surgery on his shoulder. You need to stay in bed."

"At a time like this," said Mckay crossing his arms defiantly, "No, I _need_ to pace."

"Rodney. I'm not going to let you pace on that leg. Now I have to go see to Sheppard."

"Yes," Mckay seemed to sober and he sat up straight in the bed, "Why are you standing around here talking to me?" asked Mckay with a sigh.

Beckett sighed, patted Mckay on his arm and headed off to work.

---------------

Sheppard had got used to waking up to the wraith. He had got used to feeling the continual pain in his shoulder. And, he had got used to that pervading feeling of hopelessness and loss.

So when the prodding and the pinching and the cold hands touching his skin roused his senses, he fought them with every ounce of strength he had.

He wasn't in the mood to be tortured any longer. Being trapped, impaled, with his worst enemy was more than he could take. He wasn't going to be subjected to it any longer.

A pinch on the top of his hand. He ignored it.

A prod to his wound. He didn't react to it.

The stab of pain in the crook of his arm. He was strangely used it.

Finally, the light in his eyes, forced him to move. He shifted away, not wanting to have to face reality, and bought his right hand up to slap away the offending article.

"Colonel. Its time to wake up now."

The voice was familiar and comforting. It was also distinctly Scottish so unless Brian had learnt the art of imitation he was pretty sure he was in the infirmary.

He let his eyes open slowly, blinked to adjust them to the light, and then groaned at the ache in his shoulder.

Beckett's face popped up over his and he smiled a wide, toothy grin, "Welcome back."

TBC

_This story certainly isn't over. Infirmary scenes, whump, some questions answered, more whump, and Sheppard's attempts to deal with what happened to him. Oh and more whump!_

_So I hope you'll stick with this story and find out what happens._

_Oh also, I have a dream, and that dream is to make it past the 200 review mark. So make a girl smile. Pretty please with a whump covered Shep on top._


	9. Chapter 9

_Thank you so much for your reviews. You make me smile _

------------------------------

Trying to keep his eyes open to engage in the most basic of conversation was a task. Sheppard blinked and looked up at Beckett weakly. He daren't move and have the confirmation that he couldn't move his arm. He didn't want to know that he had nerve damage and that now he wouldn't be able to hold his P90, go out on missions or fly ever again. He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that Beckett would go away, but instead, Beckett shook his arm gently and began to speak.

"How are you feeling?"

"Can I still use my arm?" he blurted out before he could stop himself. Some sick part of his brain, the real Sheppard he guessed, wanted to know the bad news now rather than later.

Beckett pulled a stool over to sit beside him and leant forward with his elbows resting on the edge of the bed, "You had surgery to stem the bleeding and there was some nerve damage-"

Sheppard closed his eyes again and waited for the inevitable.

"-Which we were able to repair. You'll just need some physiotherapy to strengthen your arm, but you should be right as rain."

Sheppard tried to move his arm, "Why can't I move it?" Oh god, the surgery had been unsuccessful.

"You've been under induced sedation for the past four days. Your muscles are going to be a bit weak, but you'll feel stronger now you're awake."

"So…….. I'm okay," he managed to slur. He was beginning to feel tired and it was a strain to keep talking.

"Aside from a mild concussion and some other cuts and bruises, you're doing remarkably well." Beckett stood up and placed a hand on his shoulder, "We were worried about you for a while. You had extensive blood loss when you came in. How you survived as long as you did will remain a mystery." He smiled, "Now if you're up to some visitors there are some people who want to see you."

Sheppard bought his good hand up and rubbed at his face as the rest of his team and Elizabeth ambled in. There was also an unfamiliar face in the mix.

"John," Elizabeth rushed to the side of his bed and reached for his hand, "How are you feeling?"

"Ye-" Before he could answer Mckay was hobbling over to him on crutches and butting in, "Yes how are you?"

"I'm-"

"Oh you're fine. That's good. Have you seen my leg?" he asked pointing at the offending article, "I hope you realise that this was all for you. Blood, sweat…-"

"Tears," interjected Ronon.

Mckay turned to him aghast, "There were _no_ tears."

Teyla was smiling now, "No Doctor Mckay, of course."

"Beckett, tell them there were no tears."

"You were very brave Rodney." He edged backwards, "Don't keep him up too long." He disappeared to tend to another patient.

Sheppard blinked wearily and looked up at them all staring at him.

"It's good to see you all," he managed to say through the fuzz in his head. His eyes planted on the unfamiliar face and his eyebrows knitted together, "I'm sorry. Have we met?"

"Oh John," said Elizabeth bringing her hand up, "This is Addison Lockwood. She helped us out when the audio feed went down."

Sheppard was still looking confused and equally shattered.

"She read your lips," said Mckay with a roll of his eyes and a look that said '_you should know this'_

"You did?" asked Sheppard. He wasn't quite sure how he felt about this piece of information.

Addison stepped forward and gave his toe a pat, "Don't worry. I gave them the edited version."

Sheppard smiled, "Well, I'm sorry you had to see all that."

"Oh don't be sorry. I'm just glad you made it out of there."

"Albeit in a rather unconventional fashion," said Elizabeth, "You should get some rest."

Sheppard nodded and yawned.

As the others said their goodbyes and wished him to get well soon, Mckay remained by his bedside, leaning heavily on his crutches. "You really okay?"

"Are you?" asked Sheppard fighting the tug of sleep.

"Me, I'm fine. Why do you always do that? I'm asking about you."

Sheppard shrugged and attempted to roll onto his side, "I'm tired Rodney."

Mckay sighed, sat himself on the stool beside the bed and watched as Sheppard drifted off to sleep.

---------------------

Beckett had been writing up one of his reports in his office when he had heard the shouting. He knocked over his chair as he got up and ran into the infirmary.

Sheppard was unsettled, writhing in his bed and trying to fight off an imaginary enemy. Even in the darkness Beckett could see the sheen of sweat covering his face and the covers had been kicked back long ago.

"Colonel," he ran over to Sheppard and gave him a firm but gentle shake.

The minute he touched him, Sheppard jerked upwards. His eyes flew open and he was breathing in and out hard and fast.

"What….what," he breathed in, "What's going on?"

"You were having a nightmare," said Beckett.

Sheppard was still sitting upright, "I was?"

"You don't remember?" asked Beckett pushing him back down to lie.

Sheppard lay there for a moment, trying to remember, until he shook his head.

"You okay?" he asked again.

Sheppard shook his head. He was feeling unsettled and didn't know why. He was also feeling really hot.

Beckett switched on a side light and gave Sheppard a look up and down. He was looking pale and was sweating profusely. His scrubs were sticking to his torso.

Sheppard was physically exhausted by his restless sleep and he could barely keep his eyes open to answer. Beckett was prising them open seconds later and directing a penlight at his eyes, "Your responses are out," said Beckett.

He bought his hand up to Sheppard's forehead and tutted.

"Sheppard, can you keep your eyes open for me?"

Sheppard swatted his hand away, "Tired."

"You're coming down with a temperature. I'm going to give you a new IV with some anti-Sheppard?" He rocked Sheppard to wake him.

"Just let me sleep," he murmured.

"Sheppard," Beckett silenced and let him drift off, "I'll be here when you wake."

----------------------

Sheppard snapped out of his sleep with the immediate sense that something was wrong. He felt sluggish and achy but he managed to get up onto one elbow. He closed his eyes against an onslaught of nausea and stayed perfectly still until the feeling had passed.

The infirmary was quiet.

Too quiet.

He couldn't be sure what time it was but his internal body clock was telling him that it was early in the morning. He wasn't sure how reliable it was by now. He'd been trapped in a room for thirty six hours and unconscious for four days, or was that five, either way it was probably the afternoon and he was completely wrong.

"Beckett?" he called out. His voice was raspy from lack of use. He spied some water on the table next to his bed and had a sip before trying again, "Beckett!"

There was no response from Beckett but a woman in the bed opposite him lifted her head off her pillow and said, "Would you be quiet."

Sheppard gave her an apologetic look, "I'm trying to call for Beckett."

"I know what you're doing," she said, "Be quiet about it."

Sheppard eyed the woman disbelievingly before very slowly hooking his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Should you be doing that?"

Sheppard looked over to the bed next to him and there was a guy that he recognised as an Athosian sitting up in bed and reading.

Sheppard swayed, reached out for the bed and swallowed against a further bout of sickness, "I'm going to find Beckett."

The woman was now sitting up in her bed and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, "He'll have your hide if he sees you out of bed." She waggled a disapproving finger at him.

Sheppard slipped off the bed and his bare feet connected with the cool floor. He immediately bent over, leaning his palms on his legs and breathing in and out heavily.

"You'll do yourself more harm than good," the woman was saying.

Sheppard was beginning to think that she was the female version of Mckay and he gave her a sideways glance to show her he was still there, listening. He straightened up and grimaced when his shoulder felt heavy and started throbbing. His right arm still felt useless. He had minimal movement in it and he had to hold it against his ribs as he swaggered towards Beckett's office. Halfway there and something snagged his hand. He remembered the IV he was attached to and was forced to go back and retrieve it before continuing on.

"What are you doing?" asked the Athosian man dropping his book on the bed.

"Something isn't right," said Sheppard swaying. He thought he was going to topple over but it was a hand on his upper arm dragging him upwards which stopped his descent.

"Thanks," he mumbled and looked up to see that it was the woman.

"Are you trying to kill yourself, Colonel?"

Sheppard wiped the sweat off his forehead, "No, I'm not," he said pulling away from her. "Beckett!" he called out again.

The woman limped over to Beckett's door. She gave it a hurried knock and at the same time said, "He's out of bed."

There was no answer and she opened the door to an empty office.

"Strange," she muttered.

Sheppard was unsteady on his feet and he reached out for his IV pole for support.

"The doors are closed" said the Athosian man. He was now sidling out of bed and walking over to them. He paused a moment and closed his eyes.

"Is he okay?" asked Sheppard.

"He's had food poisoning," said the woman.

She walked over to the doors and gave them the once over.

"You okay?"

The man nodded, "Comes and goes."

"Bad meatloaf," said the woman.

Sheppard was shuffling over to them and gave the door a look up and down too.

"I'm glad I missed it," said Sheppard.

"Why would they lock the doors?" asked the Athosian man.

Sheppard leant against the door, "Something's going on. They put us in lockdown," he said, "You got an earpiece?"

"I'm in the infirmary," said the woman with a raised eyebrow.

Sheppard bought his hand up to head and gave it a rub. Standing was becoming an issue but he didn't want to fall over in front of this strange woman and this man. Especially in his backless gown.

"Perhaps you should lie down, you're not looking too good," she said suddenly and placed a hand on his shoulder.

He flinched away from her and bought a hand up to rub the wound, "I'm fine. We need to find out what's going on."

"I might be able to get through these doors," the woman was saying.

Sheppard looked up and the room swam in front of him. The walls looked like they were closing in, he was finding it hard to breathe as their air supply got smaller and-

"I'm a tech," she said and walked over to the door panel. "Spend most of my time fixing these things."

Sheppard snapped back to reality and bought a shaky hand up to his throat. He sucked in a deep breath, "Yeah try and get it open." He wondered where that bout of panic had come from.

"Are you okay?" asked the Athosian man, "I'm Gerin by the way."

"Colonel-"

"I know who you are," said Gerin with a smile.

"Alice," said the woman raising a hand.

Sheppard tried to straighten up. Pushing through the pain and working on adrenaline alone he managed to make it over to the far wall. He keyed in a code at a black box and pulled out the 9mil which resided there.

Beckett was against weapons, but Sheppard had insisted he have a locked box containing one just in case. He guessed that this was _that_ case.

He checked the magazine was in properly, clicked off the safety and then walked back over to Alice and Gerin, all the while pulling his IV pole behind him.

"Okay, I've managed to bypass the lock and-" she looked up at the door as it started to open. "What can I say? I'm a genius."

Sheppard ripped back the tape on his hand and pulled out his IV needle.

"You should-" Gerin began.

Sheppard held his hand up and walked over to the door, "It's probably best that you stay here."

"No arguments here," said Alice crossing her arms over her chest and taking a step backwards.

Sheppard peeked out into the hallway and saw that it was pitch black. A lowly light was flickering down the hall and he was sure in the distance he could hear voices and gun fire. He turned back to Gerin and Alice, "I'm going to need a fla-" Before he could finish he was pushed hard, back into the room. He fell face first, jarred his shoulder and managed to twist on his back just in time to see Brian at the door. He was leaning in, hands on the door jam, smiling evilly.

"Close the doors," he called out and pointed the gun forward.

Alice was panicking, her fingers working the controls as fast as she could, "I'm trying."

"Close them now," shouted Sheppard taking a shot. It struck Brian in the shoulder. He reacted to it but wasn't moved.

"Close it," he shouted.

There was a moment of silence. They were all holding a collective breath.

"Done!" cried out Alice.

The doors shut.

But Brian was already in the room.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

"Open the door!" Sheppard called out. He managed to get up somehow but Brian was already running at him and knocking him back against the wall.

Alice was removing crystals at light speed but the door wasn't opening, "I don't know what's wrong with this door," she shouted over Sheppard and the wraiths grappling.

"I thought you were a genius," said Gerin. He stepped backwards against the wall and picked up Sheppard's discarded IV pole in an attempt to defend himself.

Sheppard and Brian were shoving each other to the side all the while grunting.

Sheppard finally managed to get the gun round to the wraiths side and he depressed the trigger. Brian fell backwards pulling a medical tray down to the floor with him. The clattering was muted in Sheppard's hazy head and he reached out for the wall for support before he dropped. He pulled the trigger again and hit Brian in the stomach.

"You got those doors open yet?" he asked calmly. Brian was on the floor but he wasn't getting up.

"I'm trying," Alice said risking a glance over her shoulder.

Sheppard was staggering in front of Brian, trying to keep himself between him and the others. "I _thought _you were dead," he said through clenched teeth.

Brian looked up from the floor. He was cradling his stomach with his arm and grimacing, "I thought the same about you."

Sheppard glanced over to the door, "When you get that door open I need to find somebody with an earpiece," he said and bought his eyes back down to Brian, "Move and you die."

"Why don't you shoot him?" said Gerin. He was holding onto the IV pole for all his worth. He sounded terrified.

"_Because_ he knows something," said Sheppard.

"It doesn't matter if I die. Others know of my work."

Sheppard slowly and carefully crouched down, all the while aiming the gun forward, "And what work would that be?"

Brian curved his mouth upwards and reacted to a bolt of pain.

"But no one else knows we're here, right?" said Sheppard.

Brian had his eyes closed.

Sheppard prodded him with the barrel of the gun and his eyes snapped open, "Do they?"

Brian attempted to sit up, "No."

Sheppard nodded.

"But they will track the technology to here."

"What technology?" asked Sheppard.

The doors suddenly slid open behind him and he turned expecting to see a barrage of soldiers entering the room. Instead, there was the threatening darkness of the hallway.

"I'll go get help," said Alice limping out of the room.

"You get out too Gerin," said Sheppard.

He watched the man leave and turned back to Brian, "Now you son of a bitch. I want to know about these additions."

"You'll find out in time."

"I want to know _now_," said Sheppard digging the barrel of his gun into Brian's fresh and open wounds. Brian flinched and howled in pain. Sheppard clamped a hand over his mouth to quell the noise, "Tell me."

Before he could react his legs were taken from beneath him and he crashed to the floor with a resounding, and painful thud. Brian jumped up off the floor and kicked the gun out of Sheppard's hand, "You are weak," it said.

Sheppard rolled, grunted, and managed to get up onto his knees.

Brian was backing up towards Beckett's office, "You'll all die."

Sheppard got up and looked longingly at the weapon on the floor. He couldn't reach it and his strength was beginning to fade. He turned quickly in a circle, saw the IV pole and wielded it in front of him.

Brian walked forward, moving slowly and stiffly under his injuries. Sheppard staggered forwards, hunched and broken, but not yet defeated. "We _will_ find out," he said.

"In time," said Brian.

He lunged and Sheppard bought the pole upwards in front of him as if he were jousting. Brian managed to duck and trip Sheppard. Sheppard fell to the ground, the pole clattering down next to him.

Brian was lunging forward and the next few moments played out in slow motion. Sheppard had bought the pole up just in time. The initial impact cut into one of Brian's wounds and he became painfully impaled in a sickening twist of fate. Sheppard managed to roll out of the way before Brian fell down on top of him.

He was breathing in heavily and forced his eyes away from Brian's penetrating stare beside him. He was feeling dizzy and sick as his adrenaline rush finally wore off. His hand was outstretched and it curled around the 9mil he had disposed off.

He lay there in silence, feeling sweat dripping off his exhausted body.

After a few minutes, soldiers and staff started to enter to the room. He could hear the clicks of safeties being unlatched, and heavy boots on the floor beside him.

A hand dropped down onto his chest and he immediately bought the weapon up and pushed into whoever's side it was.

A hand pushed the weapon down and Sheppard opened his eyes. It was Beckett.

"You're okay."

--------------------

They were outside in the corridor again, waiting for Sheppard to be tended to. He'd ripped some stitches in his shoulder and was again mottled in bruises but was otherwise okay. Not that they had been able to _see_ him yet.

Elizabeth was pacing back and forth again. "What the hell happened today?"

"He evaded the scanners somehow," said Mckay with a sigh.

"Perhaps he was out of range?" suggested Teyla.

Mckay merely snorted, "He could have been, but it's unlikely. That means he would have had to have been in that water for four days."

"It's been known to happen," said Ronon. He crossed his arms and leant against the wall.

"Thank god Sheppard managed to finally kill it," said Elizabeth.

"Yeah and he tore his shoulder doing it."

"Beckett," said Elizabeth stepping forward, "How is he?"

"He's okay. It's all superficial. His stitches were pulled, but there's no indication of a further bleed."

"Can we see him?" asked Mckay.

Beckett seemed to consider the request, "Aye, you can, but-" he paused and moved away from the infirmary door, "The Colonel is a little…. jumpy at the moment."

"What do you mean?" asked Elizabeth.

"I think this whole episode has shaken him a lot more than he's willing to admit. He's resting right now so if you do approach him…don't startle him." He put his hands up and took a step to the side.

"Don't startle?" asked Mckay.

A soldier came out of the infirmary with some tissue paper protruding from each nostril. He managed a grimace and then moved off down the corridor groaning.

"What happened to him?" asked Ronon.

Beckett smiled, "Sheppard."

----------------------

When they entered the room Sheppard was sitting up in the bed with his eyes closed.

The others hung back whilst Mckay hobbled noisily over to him. His crutches knocked the bed with an audible clang and again the stool when he went to sit. Sheppard didn't move and when Mckay leant towards the bed he turned back to the others.

"Sh-"

Sheppard reacted instantly to the noise, startled out of his sleep and put a hand up to his chest, "Don't sneak up like that," he said in his annoyed voice reserved for Mckay.

He licked his lips and looked around the room with a methodical eye.

"He's gone," said Elizabeth. She took a cautious step forward.

Sheppard pushed Mckay out of his line of vision and looked down at the floor, "He's gone," he repeated.

Sheppard jumped again when Beckett reached out and touched his other shoulder.

"What?" he asked. His eyes were a little glassy and his fever was beginning to flare up but he couldn't rest.

"You're a little on edge. I'm going to give you something to help you sleep for a while."

Sheppard scanned the faces of his friends and then turned back to Beckett, "I'm not on edge." He shifted his hands restlessly and plucked at the covers on his bed.

"Oh right," said Mckay, "And _I'm_ not a genius." He laughed derisively.

Sheppard gave him a glare, "Actually, she's a genius," he said pointing over to the bed where Alice was sat. She gave a little nervous wave and then shrank back into her covers. Sheppard returned the wave with a bit too much enthusiasm.

Mckay narrowed his eyes, "Beckett give him some drugs." Sheppard's emotions were way too strange at the moment and he wasn't too sure he could talk to the guy.

"I don't want to sleep," said Sheppard.

"You're wired," said Beckett, "And not in a healthy way. You need to sleep."

"I don't," said Sheppard. He smiled, turned to the others embarrassed and then back to Beckett. "I'm just a bit.." he paused, "I'm full of adrenaline."

"Colonel," he warned.

Sheppard plucked at the covers a second time and then grimaced.

"You deserve the rest after the day you've had. We'll talk about what happened when you've slept," said Elizabeth.

Sheppard was pouting, "I don't want to sleep and you can't make me."

Beckett had already injected something into his IV line to aid with that. "I _can_."

Sheppard's eyes drooped and he nearly fell sideways when it finally hit him.

"He won't be happy when he wakes up," said Mckay.

------------------------

"You know, you can't sulk forever," said Mckay. He was industriously typing away on his laptop and made the comment without even looking up. He didn't need to. He knew Sheppard was still sitting upright in the bed, arms crossed over his chest (Even though it hurt him to do so), and a face formed into a scowl.

The reply came quickly and with a hint of indignation, "I'm _not _sulking."

"Of course you're not," replied Mckay. He hit the enter key with a stubby finger and smiled.

"I'm _not _sulking."

"Oh please. You've been sitting there in a mood for the past hour or so and I should know. I've been sat here that long."

"Why are you here Rodney? Got nothing better to do?"

Mckay continued to type away, "Of course I have better things to do. You just happen to be one of my priorities."

Sheppard sighed and turned away from him, "Now I _know_ you have to be joking."

Mckay finally bought his eyes up and glowered at the man, "Well if you can't be trusted to stay in bed-"

"You locked down the infirmary. What was I supposed to do?" he asked shrinking back into his bed and closing his eyes. Talking hurt his head, which in turn made his shoulder throb. He wasn't sure how it was all related but that's how it seemed to go these days.

"I locked down the infirmary because the wraith was loose in this section of Atlantis. People in the infirmary are generally helpless so excuse me if you thought I was doing you a disservice."

"I took Brian down," said Sheppard.

"Oh yes Brian, I'm sorry. I forgot you were on a first name basis."

Sheppard found the remark cutting but continued anyway, "If it wasn't for me, he'd probably still be running around and we wouldn't have any new information about his little experiments."

"You opened the door and inadvertently let him in, therefore you were forced to deal with him."

Sheppard sighed again, "I'm bored, when can I get out of here. My shoulder feels better and I don't have a fever anymore." He paused for breath, "This sucks."

"You ripped out your stitches fighting with Brian," said McKay slamming the laptop closed, "So forgive Beckett if he wants them to close."

"It's not like my arms going to fall off." Sheppard rolled his eyes and then closed them.

Mckay looked up as Addison entered the room. She gave Mckay a half hearted wave and then looked over to the petulant Colonel, "Hi," she said bringing her hands together in an uncomfortable gesture.

Sheppard cracked an eye open and waved back, "Hey," he said and then resumed his sulk.

"You'll have to excuse the Colonel. He's not in the best of moods."

Addison bit her lip, dipping her head, "Oh."

Sheppard opened his eyes fully and looked at Addison, "Hey," he said, "You read lips. Do you happen to read sign language?"

"Yeah," she said, "Had to when I was younger."

"Okay," said Sheppard glancing at Mckay, "Well Rodney is a-" He made a hand gesture and then settled back in his bed.

Addison stifled a laugh and Mckay just looked between the two with an irritated glance, "What?"

"He said you're-"

Sheppard held a finger up.

"You're an ass. I think that's what he was saying."

Sheppard looked over at Mckay, "Well," he said, "You deserved it."

"I see that this is the thanks I get," said Mckay getting up and trying to grab both his laptop and his crutches at the same time. He managed to position his laptop under his arm and hop out towards the door, "I'll leave you to Sheppard's mood."

"I'm _not_ in a mood!" shouted Sheppard as McKay disappeared around the corner.

Addison sat down in McKay's vacated seat and clasped her hands together, "How are you doing?"

"Me?" asked Sheppard, "I'm…...fine. Look I wanted to thank you properly for assisting my team in getting me out of there. From what I've heard you were pretty invaluable."

Addison blushed, "Well, I just did what I could to help."

There was a moment of extended silence before Sheppard leant forward, "You didn't happen to hear anything..uh….of a sensitive nature?"

"Aside from your colourful language? No."

Sheppard seemed relieved at the admission and relaxed, "So what brings you to my miserable vicinity?"

"I was just passing."

"Just passing," repeated Sheppard. He watched her wring her hands and looked she generally uncomfortable. "You okay?"

Addison looked down at her hands again, "Yeah well. I guess, I just wanted to see if you wanted to talk. I'm sure I'm not first choice but I saw a lot of what you were going through and-"

"I'm great," he said too quickly.

"Maybe I need to talk about it," she said and was startled by her own truth, "It was hard to see you that way."

"I'm sorry you had to see it. But honestly, It's all in the past."

"So you're not curious to know what these additions the wraith was referring to. Brian, I mean."

"Brian," said Sheppard wistfully, "His additions. Yes well, I'm sure this will be the subject matter of tomorrows brief but yeah."

She nodded, "It kind of….if you don't mind me saying. It looked like you were losing hope in there. I've found it hard to live with that vision of you. And I don't particularly know you."

"Well, I was impaled to a wall and facing certain death. Loss of hope is kind of compulsory," he looked down at the bed covers, "I'm glad you were looking out for me."

Addison glanced down at her watch, "I should be going. I've got a load of techy work to do, but if you need to talk-"

"Addison thanks, but, I'm not much of a talker."

"The offers there," she walked passed the bed and gripped the railing, "Get well soon, Sir."

"John," he corrected her, "Nobody that's been so intimately linked to me is going to call me by my rank."

"Get well soon John," she said and left the room.

TBC

_Review please……. And no cliffhanger. See, I can be nice…for now._


	11. Chapter 11

Three weeks had passed in a semi drug induced haze. Pain meds for his shoulder, sedation meds for sleep and antibiotics for his fever flare ups.

Sheppard had finally been informed by Beckett that he was well enough to return to the outside world. Beckett had made Sheppard agree upon the following conditions; that he kept up his physiotherapy, took plenty of bed rest and didn't put any undue stress on his shoulder. Bar any complications his shoulder would be unaffected by its impaling.

Sheppard had been pacing the infirmary for a few minutes, fussing with his shirt lapel, rolling and unrolling his cuffs and chewing his lip, when Mckay hobbled in with his newly acquired cane.

"What are you still doing here?" he asked narrowing his eyes.

Sheppard stopped dead in his tracks and then attempted a subtle change of subject, "What are _you_ doing here?"

"My leg," said Mckay, "You know, the one I got shot for you."

Sheppard rolled his eyes, "Yes, well I've been discharged so," he paused, "I'll be off."

He walked to the door and stopped at the threshold.

"Well?"

Sheppard turned to Mckay, sucked in a deep breath and stepped out into the hallway. He was beginning to think that maybe he had been in the infirmary a little too long because he was feeling distinctly nervous as he walked through Atlantis' usually familiar hallways. He was still reflexively keeping his arm hugged close to his body as he passed people on his way back to his quarters. Every person he passed seemed to be in a hurry and go by in a blur as he numbly verbalised 'hellos' and 'goodbyes' He couldn't work out why this world seemed so different to him all of a sudden.

Sheppard ducked into his quarters and immediately felt his breathing returning to normal. He walked straight over to his bed, and flopped down onto the mattress.

"Colonel Sheppard."

He opened his eyes and sighed. Ten minutes out of the infirmary and already he was being contacted.

"Colonel Sheppard."

He'd just got comfortable on his bed. His nice, soft, comfy…

"Colonel Sheppard?" The voice was getting frustrated.

Sheppard got up onto his elbow and looked over at the door, "I'm here."

It was Elizabeth, "I hear you're officially free from the infirmary."

"Yeah, I'm in my quarters right now."

"We're ready for you in the debriefing room now."

Sheppard sat up stiffly, already feeling his breathing getting heavy and constricted, "I'm coming."

He signed off and stood up.

_What the hell was wrong with him?_ He was feeling weird and off keel and for some reason he didn't want to go to his debriefing, he wanted to sit in his room and recuperate. _Hadn't he done enough of that already?_

He sighed and approached the door like it was going to open up and consume him.

The doors slid open and a fast, blurry world passed by him.

"Debriefing," he said to himself and purposefully strode out of his room. He instantly connected with Ronon. It jarred his shoulder and he grimaced.

"You okay?" asked Ronon.

Sheppard nodded, "Yeah, fine. You heading to the debriefing?"

"Yeah."

"Great," said Sheppard and they began to walk to the debriefing room, "I love these long chats we have."

Ronon gave him a glance and continued to stride forward, forcing personnel to move out of his way and Sheppard had to practically jog to keep up with him. He was beginning to feel a lot better being out of his room and surmised that it was just those first few acclimating hours of freedom that quite often felt surreal when you left the infirmary.

They arrived at the debriefing room before he knew it.

"John," said Elizabeth as he entered.

"Hey," he gave Teyla, Addison and Mckay a little wave and took his seat at the end of the table. They all seemed to be inclined towards him and again a wave of discomfort hit him at the thought of being the centre of attention.

He tried to mentally shake himself out of the strange mood he had afforded himself and planted an affable smile on his face, "So, have I missed anything?"

Elizabeth opened the file in front of her and glanced up, "It's been fairly quiet actually."

Sheppard scanned the table and waited for further input.

"I only wish it was quiet in my lab," muttered Mckay, "A few days without me and its catastrophe. They lose the coffee filters and panic, I mean-" he paused for breath and realised that Elizabeth was waiting on him.

Elizabeth passed him and the others a few sheets of paper, "Addison wrote down everything she could see on.." she stuttered, "That day."

"Ah that would be my impaling," said Sheppard reaching for the paper and skim reading.

There was silence at the table.

"What?" he asked looking up with an amused grin.

"It's not complete," said Addison, "Its just what I managed to see from the tape. Sometimes your mouths were away from the camera."

"Do you want to go through the transcript? Or just tell us what you learnt-" asked Elizabeth. She could sense that Sheppard was uncomfortable and wondered whether he was ready to be talking about this all so soon.

Before she could wonder anymore, Sheppard began to speak, "Brian said that they managed to evade our scans due to a few _additions_. He didn't let on as to what they were but he said that more wraith were working on it. And that they would be back to get their _technology_."

"We have some missing entries here," said Elizabeth pointing at the sheet.

Sheppard looked over the paper and tried to take his mind back to that day, "The wraith don't know we're here." He said in response of the data presented before him.

"I don't think it will be long before the rest of them know we're here," said Mckay.

"We don't know that," said Sheppard, "He could have been lying."

"Sounds like he was rubbing it in your face," countered Mckay.

"Did we manage to get the dart out of the water to see what additions were made?" asked Sheppard. He stood up to get away from everyone's prying eyes. Not to mention that the rest of his team were disturbingly silent. He was feeling hot and sweaty and he just wanted to run out of the room and back to some semblance of safety.

Mckay shook his head and snorted, "It's too far down. Our divers cant go down to its depth, something about the bends or whatever," he sighed, "And _no_ we cant modify another a jumper, and no I'm not going down there to try it."

"Could the Daedalus not beam it out?" asked Teyla.

"They wouldn't be able to get a lock on it. Water depth."

"So we go find these wraith," said Ronon matter of factly.

"We don't know where they _are_," snapped Mckay.

Sheppard wandered over to one of the walls and leant against it. He needed to clear his mind against a dizziness which pervaded his every movement.

"Sheppard? You okay?" he heard the concern in McKay's voice but it sounded garbled in his head.

"Yeah," he said standing up stiffly, "I was just trying to think if I had missed anything."

"Have you?" asked Elizabeth hopefully.

"No," he said walking back over to his chair unsteadily, "No as far as I can tell we've got a problem."

-------------------------

Sheppard practically launched himself back into his quarters and closed the doors behind him before anyone could get in.

He walked into his bathroom, closed the door and slunk down into the corner by the makeshift basin.

He couldn't understand what was wrong with him. He felt completely dislocated from everything around him and when he was away from his room his head felt light and uncomfortable.

He closed his eyes and rested his head on his knees.

------------------------

"Sheppard! Sheppard!"

Sheppard opened his eyes and realised that he had fallen asleep. He slowly got up, feeling stiff and sore after his unconventional nap and staggered out into his dark room.

"Who-"

His doors slid open and before he could continue Mckay walked in and pointed his cane at Sheppard accusingly, "Why weren't you answering your door?"

"I was just coming," said Sheppard slapping on the light, "Would you stop rewiring my room controls to get in here."

"I've done that _once _before."

"Yeah because I didn't answer immediately," said Sheppard.

"How was I to know you were in the shower?" said Mckay.

"By the water, the steam..by me _saying_ 'I'm in the shower' What do you want?" he asked going over to his bed and sitting down.

"You've forgotten haven't you?" said Mckay.

He sat himself down in the chair next to his bed and tapped his cane.

"Enlighten me," said Sheppard.

"The gate party. The morale boosting evening of drinks and-"

Sheppard rubbed his eyes and remembered with horror his suggestion for the party almost two months ago.

"Yeah, yeah I remember."

"So, are you coming?"

Sheppard shook his head, "I'm really tired."

"Oh no, you're not bailing out of this now. You convinced Elizabeth I had to be there so I'm not going to be there without you being there-" he paused.

Sheppard held up a hand, "No really, I don't want to go."

"You're going."

Sheppard sighed and could see that he wasn't going to get out of it easily.

"Your absence will be noted, probably by Carson, who will naturally assume you'll have had a relapse and I won't tell him otherwise."

"You're threatening me with Carson?"

"I'm threatening you with big pointy needles and yes the wielder will probably be Carson."

Sheppard scrubbed at his face in an attempt to eliminate the vestiges of sleep. Mckay was still staring at him intently and waiting for an answer. Sheppard groaned.

"Fine."

------------------------------

Sheppard remembered when he had first run into Elizabeth's office and proposed said party. She had immediately dismissed it and Sheppard had vowed to harangue her until she said yes.

He managed to convince her after three days and she agreed that a moral boosting, low key party, would be a good thing for base personnel.

So here he was, standing in the corner of the gate room, with a glass of punch and watching his great idea unfold.

Elizabeth had limited the amount of alcohol everyone would consume as she pointedly informed them that the gate room was still a work area and was to be respected as such. A few tables had been set up with various food and drink and it was a chance for everyone to get together and relax. Soft music was being pumped down into the room and so far everyone did seem relaxed. Everyone except Sheppard, who felt coiled up like a spring ready to explode at any moment.

Elizabeth was chatting in the corner with some women and laughing softly. Teyla was talking with Ronon and some of the Athosian children. Ronon didn't seem too happy with the kid that was pulling on his hand absorbedly. Mckay was standing by the food table and loading up a plate and Sheppard, he was stuck in the corner talking to the most boring man in the universe and feeling physically worse with every second.

"Plants _really_ are very _fascinating_. Some people think that botanists are-"

Sheppard nodded, "Yep," and tried to seek out one of his friend's eye line. For a moment he thought he saw Beckett break through the crowd to him but he was just walking over to Cadman.

"Take planet MX70, with a species of fern I've _never _seen before. Fern is –"

"Yeah," sighed Sheppard.

He pressed himself further against the wall in an attempt to feel more stable. For some reason he was getting that light headed feeling again. He downed the remainder of his punch in one mouthful.

"So what's your favourite plant specimen? Alcotociamenathus is mine."

Sheppard turned to the guy and gave him an 'are you serious look' before excusing himself and grabbing another glass of punch as he went.

He pushed through the crowd of people and walked unsteadily up the gate room steps to be stopped by someone else, "See I told you you'd have a good time," it was Mckay and for all intents and purposes seemed happy stuffing cake into his mouth.

"Yeah, great, there's a _fascinating_ botanist guy down there who'd love to talk to you."

Sheppard pushed passed him and went over to the balcony which looked down over the gate room. His world was spinning and his chest and throat felt constricted for no reason. His swallowing reflexes felt out of whack.

Mckay walked up behind him and continued the conversation, "Cake?"

Sheppard was sweating profusely and he wafted his shirt to get some airflow.

Before he could stop it, his punch was slipping from his fingers and his glass crashed noisily to the floor.

It felt like at that moment that the entire gate room looked up at him.

He gripped the railing as hard as he could and watched as his knuckles whitened.

Mckay was at his side in an instant, "Is it your shoulder?"

Sheppard gave him a pained look but his vision was beginning to grey.

"No not my shoulder. Can't breathe," he managed.

"Beckett!" Mckay called out into the crowd. Sheppard could hear the muted ripple as people started to gossip about what was going on.

He tried to catch his breath but each one was ineffective. The air he was dragging in seemed to fall short.

He felt like he was going to die.

He sank down to his knees and was enveloped in darkness before Beckett even reached him.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

"A panic attack?" questioned Mckay with a hint of disbelief.

He took a step backwards and attempted to arch his back to see into the infirmary. He caught a glimpse of Sheppard sitting crossed legged on the bed with his head in his hands.

"Yes," said Beckett. He grabbed Mckay by the wrist and pulled him away from the doorway, "The Colonel is a _little _embarrassed so don't go making light of it."

"But a panic attack," said Mckay, again with the same indignation, "It just seems so un-Sheppard."

"Panic attacks are a serious issue and their symptoms are most definitely real to the sufferer."

"But why did this happen?" asked Elizabeth. She leant against the wall and gestured to the infirmary, "How didn't we see this?"

"It's not something which can easily be prevented," said Beckett, "And its not surprising he suffered one considering the past few months. He's been under a lot of pressure and the strain must have finally got to him tonight."

"I knew I should have dragged him away from that botanist guy," said Elizabeth with a resigned shake of her head.

"He said he didn't want to go to the party," said Mckay, "I practically forced him to go."

"You're _not _responsible," said Beckett, "And _neither_ is he. Sheppard just needs to rest and recuperate and hopefully he won't have another episode."

"Is that likely? Asked Elizabeth.

"Panic attacks tend to be an associative disorder. Sometimes other attacks can be triggered by the fear of having another one. In Sheppard's case it's unlikely to happen."

"So, can we see him?" asked Mckay. He was bouncing up and down on his heels like a child.

"I'm not so sure he wants to see anyone at the moment. Like I said he was pretty surprised that he was hyperventilating. I think he almost wishes he'd been dying."

"Well, I'm sure he'd want to see his friends," said Mckay and before Beckett could stop him he pushed his way through to the infirmary.

When he entered, Sheppard looked up and held up a weary hand, "No, no don't say it," he waved it dismissively and then hooked his legs over the edge of the bed to retreat.

"I'm not going to say a thing," said Mckay defensively.

He realised that Elizabeth and Beckett had followed him into the room. Mckay was waiting for the moment Beckett grabbed him by his ear and dragged him off, kicking and screaming.

"So I had a little..episode," said Sheppard. He was still feeling surprisingly weak after his respiratory system refused to cooperate with him and as he hopped off the bed he stumbled. Mckay reached out to stop him going over but he whipped his arm away quickly, "I'm fine," he snapped.

"Then why did you freak out in the party?" asked Mckay. He crossed his arms over his chest and created a barrier so that Sheppard couldn't escape.

"I didn't freak out," said Sheppard. He grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him to the side.

"Rodney," warned Elizabeth.

"Colonel Sheppard, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Panic attacks happen to the most stable of people-" he paused and bit his tongue.

"Oh, so suddenly I'm not stable?" he walked towards the door and hovered in the doorway. He swallowed and peered around the corner to make sure the coast was clear.

"John, take as much time off as you need," said Elizabeth. She reached out and touched his shoulder.

"Thank you," he said and forced himself out of the infirmary.

-------------------

Mckay knocked on Sheppard's door and was resisting the urge to rewire it when he heard Sheppard call him in.

When he walked in the room was dark and smelt of sweat and he realised that Sheppard had been working out.

"Should you be doing that?" he asked as he crossed the room.

Sheppard dropped the dumb bell onto his bed and reached for his towel. He wiped off the sweat on his forehead, "It's my physiotherapy for my shoulder. Beckett's orders," he said before burying his face into his towel again.

"Why aren't you doing that in the gym?"

"Felt like doing it here," said Sheppard, "Why, is that a problem?"

"No," said Mckay. He hobbled over to the bed and picked up the dumb bell. "So, I haven't seen you around for a few days." He started to do a few lifts and realised he was pathetically tired after four.

"I've been around," said Sheppard his eyes furtively shifting away from Mckay.

"Where?"

"I had breakfast and lunch in the commissary. I've been walking through the hallways," he paused and disappeared into the bathroom, "I've been around all day."

"What time did you have breakfast?"

"I don't know. Seven?"

"Well Teyla was in the commissary from six and she said she didn't see you."

Sheppard popped his head out of the bathroom, "I went in and ate quickly. I had a lot of work to do. Are you checking up on me?"

Mckay held his hands up, "No, but it's just strange that nobody has seen you around at all."

Sheppard sighed and disappeared into the bathroom again, "Rodney. I'm fine," he heard him shout.

When he reappeared he had water dripping down his face from his brief wash.

"Okay, well why don't you join me in my lab? I have a few new devices which look mysterious and interesting."

Sheppard dropped down onto his bed and massaged the area around his shoulder. Strength was returning very slowly but the recovery process was still frustrating, "Nah, I'm good," he said.

"You scared or something?"

"To touch a few objects? No," he said, "I'm tired. I've had a full day."

"A full day….in here."

"Mckay, I left my room numerous times today."

Mckay nodded and stood up, "Fine, well, I'll be in my lab if you change your mind." He went over to the door and glanced back at Sheppard before leaving.

He didn't know what it was or how he knew, but Sheppard was lying.

----------------

"I'm telling you Elizabeth. It's been five days and Sheppard hasn't left his room," said Mckay from his seat opposite her.

Elizabeth was stood by her window and looking down at the busy gate room. Her hands were clasped behind her back and she was stood stiffly as she thought.

"Well?"

Elizabeth turned to him, "He's recovering from a nasty injury Rodney. I'm not surprised."

"But this is John Sheppard we're talking about," said Mckay, "He hates being injured and he especially hates having to be cooped up."

Elizabeth nodded and returned her focus to the room below her.

"He's broken limbs before and managed to escape Beckett. Now he's pretty much recovered and he's choosing to stay in his room."

"Are you sure he hasn't left?" she asked.

"The cooks have said that he's been having his food delivered to his room. He moved his physio in there and Teyla said he missed an opportunity to stick fight two days ago. I'm telling you that something is wrong."

Elizabeth finally returned to her seat and dropped her hands down onto the desk, "So he's isolated himself?" she asked.

Mckay shrugged, "He's not giving anything away."

Elizabeth nodded and reached up to her earpiece, "Carson?"

She waited a beat before he answered, "Yes Doctor Weir?"

"Are you available to come down to my office?"

"Of course. Is there a medical emergency?"

"We need to talk about Colonel Sheppard."

"I'll be right down."

------------------

Sheppard had been standing in front of his door for half an hour. He hadn't stepped away and he hadn't stepped through it. Every electrical pulse in his body was buzzing and his heart was steadily increasing in speed with every breath he took.

"Damn it Sheppard," he cursed and shook himself. "You step outside that door, you're not going to die and you're not going to panic so…move."

He stayed perfectly still.

He could feel the sweat beginning to drip past his ear and he angrily swiped it away.

"Okay," he said breathing out in one quick increment, "You can do this."

He swiped open the door and watched as the outside world slowly emerged.

The mental energy he expended just getting his left leg to move over the threshold was already forcing him to feel strange and alien to a world so familiar.

The halls were surprisingly clear and quiet and he edged out. His doors swooped shut behind him and he turned back to them with a look of surprise. That was it, he was trapped outside now.

With his back to the wall, he started to creep down the hall.

A few steps and his breathing was getting difficult, his head felt dizzy and his palms were sweating. He turned to look back at his door and it looked like it was miles away, distorted in his minds eyes.

As a wave of dizziness assaulted him he bought his hands up to cover his eyes and felt his legs buckle.

He slid down onto the floor, lacking the energy to make it back to safety.

A shadow appeared over him and he looked up to see who was witnessing his embarrassing display of ineptitude.

"I think you and I need to have a little chat," said Heightmeyer.

TBC

_Finding this so hard to write. Sometimes the old brain just doesn't want to engage properly._

_Hope this doesn't seem too rushed. Sometimes you can't write everything. Or at all in my case today._


	13. Chapter 13

Sheppard dropped down onto his bed as Heightmeyer pulled around a chair to sit opposite him. She leant back and switched on the lamp behind her and settled her notebook onto her lap before looking up at Sheppard with expectant eyes.

Sheppard was sitting on the edge of his bed, his legs bobbing up and down and his arms crossed.

"So," said Heightmeyer clicking the cap off her pen, "Where would you like to start?"

Sheppard chewed his lip and continued to jiggle his legs, "I'm fine."

"Perhaps you would like to start by telling me what you were doing out in the hallway then?" She watched Sheppard for any signal in his body language. He seemed to notice and instantly stilled his movements, settling his hands in his lap and adopting a charming smile.

"Would you believe that I was just resting there?" he asked.

Heightmeyer shook her head, "Do you want to start from the beginning?"

Sheppard removed his jacket and slung it behind him. His lips were formed into a tight line.

"Okay, how about these panic attacks?" she asked, pen poised over the paper.

Sheppard sighed and started to unlace his boots.

"Colonel Sheppard, if you don't address this then you won't be going back on duty for a _long_ time."

Sheppard pulled off his first boot, "Good. I'm not ready to go back," he said and reached for the second boot.

"Sorry?"

"I'm not ready to go back," he said. His boot dangled on his toes and he kicked it across the room.

"You're admitting that you should remain off duty?"

Sheppard pushed himself backwards onto his bed and rearranged his pillow, "I was stuck in a room with a wraith, impaled to a door. No, I'm not ready."

Heightmeyer felt her eyebrows shooting up. Sheppard wasn't trying to squirm out of her session by pretending everything was okay. He was openly admitting that he wasn't ready to go back to work.

Sheppard was lying back on his bed and closing his eyes, "Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm tired. Can you switch off that lamp on your way out?"

She headed towards the door.

"Hey, uh, what did you write down?" she heard Sheppard ask from the darkness.

"I haven't written anything down yet," she said.

"Because I don't have a problem," he said. His voice didn't hold the same conviction as the sentence, "I'm fine, really."

Heightmeyers hand hovered over the door control, "You haven't left this room in days and when you do you suffer from crippling panic attacks. I think you know you're not fine."

She heard Sheppard make a little noise of disgust and he went silent.

"We'll talk more," and she left.

-----------------

Sheppard awoke with a start, twisted in his covers and soaked with sweat. He bolted upright and tore the covers aside irritably. Sleeping hadn't been a problem for him since leaving the infirmary. Unfortunately, his dreams were pervaded by nightmares and dislocated images of wraith.

He moved shakily into his bathroom, blindly searching for the light switch as he went. Once inside he took care of business and doused his face in water. He was looking pale and washed out.

His door chimed and he padded bare foot through his room, kicking his boot to the side as he went and palmed open the door. At the same time it slid open, he took an exaggerated step back into the comfort of his room.

Addison was stood there smiling with a tray of food in her hand, "Hey," she said.

"Come in," he said and started to make up his bed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

Sheppard smoothed out the creases in his bed linen and plumped his pillow back up, "Oh no," he said, "So, what's with the tray?"

"Yeah, Mckay asked me to bring you your lunch," said Addison. Sheppard took it off her and inspected the contents.

"I was just coming down," he lied.

"Well, Mckay said he waited from twelve for you."

Sheppard checked his watch, "It's three," he said sitting down on the edge of the bed and balancing the tray.

"Yeah, so this is bordering on dinner really," said Addison.

"Oh," said Sheppard, "Well, I guess I slept a little longer than I intended."

""You mind if I sit?" she asked.

"Sure," said Sheppard through a mouthful of mashed potato.

"So I haven't seen you around lately," said Addison. She reached around and picked up his skateboard which had been leaning against the wall, "Are you supposed to have this?"

Sheppard shrugged and continued to eat.

"You know. For years I suffered from panic attacks," said Addison.

Sheppard stopped chewing and met her gaze, "So McKay's been talking?" he said and angrily sliced through his chicken.

"No," said Addison putting her hands up in protest, "I recognised the signs from the party."

Sheppard was keeping his eyes fixed on his plate. Meticulously cutting up his meat and arranging his peas and mash with his fork.

"Didn't know what they were for ages. Horrible things. You can't breathe, you feel dizzy as hell and your head _almost_ feels like its floating. Its like you're _too_ aware," she said pushing a hand through her hair. She thought she saw Sheppard's posture stiffen, as if he connected on some unspoken level with what she was saying. She continued, "And you know you're being ridiculous. You _know_ you're not going to die either," she said.

Sheppard continued his fascination with his food. He didn't look up but by the way he was silently and slowly chewing, she could tell that he was listening to her.

"You have one _and_ that's traumatic enough. But after that, similar situation, and you have another, and another and another until-" she paused, "Until it's totally out of your control and you feel like you've lost your mind."

Sheppard dropped his knife and started picking the food up with just his fork. Stabbing through the food as if it were an enemy.

"The good thing about panic attacks though, is that they can be controlled and eventually stopped. You control your breathing, realise nothings going to happen to you and finally one day you'll be in a situation where you just know you'd freak and," she smiled, "you're fine."

Sheppard was using his napkin to mop up some gravy he had dropped onto his t shirt when she looked up, "I figured I couldn't go having a panic attack every time I went into enclosed spaces. I'm an Engineer. I spend most of my life crammed into crawl spaces."

Sheppard was onto his pudding cup, "You want this?" he asked.

Addison shook her head, "No, I'm good," said said getting up, "I've got a conduit to fix."

"Thanks…" said Sheppard, "-for my _lunch_."

"No worries," said Addison.

-----------------------

"Sheppard, you got that report for me?" he heard Elizabeth say over his radio.

Sheppard sighed and continued to do his shoulder exercises, moving the dumb bell up and down in slow, precise movements.

"I put it on your desk earlier," he lied. He had infact sent somebody to put in on her desk.

"I need to discuss some of the content with you," she said.

Sheppard tried to think of an excuse, "Uh, my shoulders acting up a bit. I'm resting," he lied again.

"Do you want Beckett to take a look at it?"

"No," he said quickly, "No, I just need some rest."

"Okay," she said and he signed off before she could ask him something else.

----------------------

"Sheppard?"

Sheppard had just finished his evening meal, courtesy of Betty from the commissary when Mckays hurried voice called him on his earpiece.

"What?" he asked as he downed his orange juice.

"Sheppard, I need you…shit-" The radio crackled.

"Mckay?" Sheppard stood up and watched as his tray fell to the floor, splattering food and dessert everywhere, "Rodney?"

There was no answer.

"Dammit!" Sheppard began to pace, treading food over the floor of his room, "Elizabeth!" he called activating his radio. There was no buzz of static, it didn't even sound like his ear piece was working, "Hello!"

"Sh-e," Mckays voice came through his earpiece and Sheppard reached for his side arm and primed it.

"Crap," he said pacing back and forth. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and continued to feel worked up.

He approached his door, palmed it open and took a step out into the hallway.

His breathing immediately started to feel wrong and his head fuzzy. He pressed himself against the wall and closed his eyes. He smashed an angry fist back into the wall and sucked in as much oxygen as his lungs could accommodate, "Crap!" he said again.

There was one thing on his mind. He _had_ to get to Rodney. He _had_ to protect his friend no matter the cost.

He opened his eyes, stared down the hallway and forced his legs to move. They felt like lead as he moved drunkenly through the passages. He bumped into a member of personnel and again sought out a wall to lean against, breathe and propel himself off.

He managed to get himself to a transporter and was relieved to see that he had it to himself. Whilst it transported him to the requisite part of the city he stood in the corner, shaking, breathing heavily and intermittently panting.

The doors slid open and a distorted and swaying world greeted him. He was tripping over his own feet as he ran towards the labs. His hand was pressed against the wall as a guide and he stopped again. He was sweating and had to rub the palms of his gun hand onto his trousers.

The labs were ahead of him and he drove himself forward with only a single thought on his mind pushing him to get to Rodney.

He reached the doors a broken man, but pushed himself in and saw-

"Rodney, you said-" he was swallowing hard. Bending over he leant on his knees and gasped for breath.

Mckay was sitting on his stool and drinking a cup of coffee, "I knew I could get you out of your room."

"You mean," Shepard tried to suck the breath in.

"Oh, I blocked your radio," said Mckay as if it was nothing.

"You blocked my-" Sheppard wanted to run over to him and tear his throat out but his survival instincts were kicking in. Self preservation was saying, stay still and breathe.

Sheppard could feel his vision hazing out of him as he realised he was out of his room. _Away_ from his room.

His stomach lurched and he ran over to the sink before Mckay could say anything and threw up. He gripped the sink with white knuckles and dry retched whilst simultaneously trying to shout at Mckay.

"Oh my god, you really are sick. This really makes you ill," said Mckay. There was a note of panic in his voice which made it go up a pitch.

"I'm fine," said Sheppard, swallowing back bile.

Sheppard closed his eyes and tried to shut out the white noise around him.

"Beckett," he heard Mckay shouting into his own radio.

Sheppard moved until his back was up against the wall and attempted to steady himself.

"You're going to be okay," said Mckay gripping him by the shoulder, "You just need to breathe in and out, slowly."

Sheppard was groaning as everything moved around him.

"We need a brown paper bag," said McKay, distress elevating his voice further.

Sheppard pushed him to the side and took a step forward. His world lurched violently and he pitched forward.

Lack of oxygen finally pushed him to unconsciousness.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

Sheppard returned to consciousness amid hushed conversation. He bought his hand up to his face before opening his eyes and heard the stir of movement all around him.

"Colonel?" Beckett's voice.

Sheppard opened his eyes slowly and blinked away the cobwebs before letting his eyes roam the room. _His_ room.

"I'm not in the infirmary?" asked Sheppard.

"No," said Beckett, "We thought you'd be more comfortable in your own room."

Sheppard closed his eyes and took in a nice un-constricted breath, "We?" He managed to get his head up and Elizabeth and Mckay gave him a little wave.

He dropped his head back down onto the pillow and groaned at the unbearably humiliating situation he was firmly embedded in.

"How are you feeling?" asked Beckett.

Sheppard pushed himself up on his elbows in response, "Better."

"Colonel, I am so sorry for earlier if I had truly-"

Sheppard held up a hand, "Please Rodney. No apologies, _please_."

"You had another panic attack," said Beckett, "This one was pretty severe."

Sheppard nodded, acutely aware that all of their eyes were on him.

"There's no hiding that you have a problem," said Beckett.

Sheppard sat up on his bed and scooted to the edge. Beckett sat himself down beside him and they sat in silence for a moment.

"I guess there's no convincing you otherwise?" said Sheppard.

"Not really," said Elizabeth.

"So what do we do about it?" asked Sheppard scraping a hand through his hair.

"You have sessions with Heightmeyer." said Beckett.

"Maybe this is medical?" asked Sheppard. He was grasping at straws now and he knew it. He would have to talk to a therapist.

"I've tested you for overactive thyroid glands, arrhythmias, epilepsy, which are just _some_ of the disorders panic attacks can mimic. It's not medical. You know this yourself."

Sheppard inwardly flinched and bought a hand up to rub at his shoulder. It felt bruised from his fall. Beckett stood up and escorted Elizabeth to the door, "I'll give you some time to think about it."

They left Mckay and him alone.

"Well this is embarrassing," said Sheppard.

"Is that all you can say?"

"What else is there to say?"

"This is a big problem. You're the commanding officer, you should be out there _commanding_ not scared to leave you room."

Sheppard stood up and put his hand on his hip, "I am not _scared_ to leave this room."

Mckay joined him to stand and palmed open his door, "Okay then, let's go for a stroll."

Sheppard seemed to consider it but started to visibly pale to the notion, "Fine," he said, "But I'm _not_ scared."

"So what are we going to do?"

"We?"

"Yes, you and I. I'm reliant on you for your gene, missions, my late night coffee. We need to fix you."

Sheppard found himself chuckling, "I'll talk to Heightmeyer."

"Right, that's good," said Mckay, "I'll tell her to meet you here, yes?"

"Funny."

----------------

Heightmeyer left Sheppard's room and found Beckett leaning up against the wall outside.

"I was just coming to give you an update," she said with a small smile.

Beckett pushed himself of the wall, "How's he doing?"

"Good. He's been giving me an insight into what's been going on with him over the past few weeks He told me that at the onset of an attack he experiences a very high level of panic, difficulty swallowing and breathing, a feeling of being disconnected with reality and the sensation of having a heart attack. I truly feel that the strain of being the Commanding Officer, coupled with most recent events, have made him more susceptible to these attacks. And it's these attacks which have made him agoraphobic."

Beckett nodded, "Agoraphobia?"

"His panic disorder has progressed to a more advanced stage in which he becomes afraid of being in any place or situation where escape might be difficult or help unavailable in the event of a panic attack. I think he sees his room as a kind of safe haven. When he had his first panic attack he retreated further into it and now when he leaves his room he associates being away from it with that panicking feeling He's anxious about the possibility of having another panic attack and avoids situations in which he believes these attacks are likely to occur."

"There are three groups of medications most commonly used for panic disorders, tricyclic antidepressants, the high-potency benzodiazepines, and the monoamine oxidase inhibitors. Perhaps we could start him on a low dose-"

"I wouldn't like to use drugs unless its necessary. I'm going to use a combination of cognitive therapy, which can modify or eliminate thought patterns contributing to the patient's symptoms, and behavioral therapy which aims to help the patient change his or her behavior. Panic attacks often result from problems with the brain pathways that control for the acquisition of conditioned fear. So what we do to reduce and eliminate anxiety and panic attacks is reestablish or strengthen neural pathways with selected breathing development techniques and exercises."

"He's not going to like it." said Beckett.

"The Colonel realises he has a problem and how it's detrimental to Atlantis him being stuck in there."

"Okay, well good luck. I'll go give Elizabeth an update."

When she re-entered Sheppard's room she found him standing in the centre of it waiting for her, "So?" he said.

"Okay I'm going to teach you some breathing exercises which you can do when you feel panicky. Many people with anxiety disorders breathe shallowly which may lead to increased anxiety and further panic."

Sheppard sat down hesitantly.

"This might be easier if you lie down on the floor."

Sheppard glanced at the floor, "Are you propositioning me?"

Heightmeyer didn't react to his attempt at a joke and he sat on the floor and then begrudgingly lay down. "What now?"

"To learn to breathe correctly, begin by slowly breathing in through your nose on the count of 5 while gently pushing your hand up with your stomach. Hold the breath for a count of 5. "

Sheppard bent up on one elbow, "You're seriously teaching me how to breathe?"

"Well it would seem that you have forgotten."

"Aren't there any quick fix drugs that I could take?" he asked lying back down.

"This isn't necessarily a quick fix and neither me or Beckett would want to put you on medication until we were sure it wasn't just a glitch in your own brain. A glitch that can be fixed without loading you up with anti-depressants."

Shepard groaned and shut his eyes, "Okay, I'll do it."

"After inhaling, slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of five while gently pushing down on your stomach."

He breathed in and then stopped abruptly, "How long do I have to do this?"

"I want you to do it for ten minutes."

"So you're just going to sit there and watch me breathe?"

She nodded.

After ten minutes Heightmeyer spoke in a calming voice, "How are you feeling?"

"Relaxed," Sheppard admitted, "Good."

"Now you should do that exercise twice a day." She looked towards the door, "If you wanted. We could go out into the hallway and repeat the exercise again?"

Sheppard tensed at the suggestion but none the less his eyes drifted towards the door.

"Only if you feel up to it."

Sheppard pushed himself up and clenched his fists, "Yeah, I'll give it ago."

Heightmeyer stood up quickly and held a hand up, "I don't want you to try this if you're not ready."

"I need to be able to go outside without flaking out every time."

"If you start to feel panicked all you have to do is step back into your room."

Sheppard nodded, "Okay."

He shadowed her to the door, clenching and unclenching his fists as his door slid open.

The immediate feelings of panic were beginning to set in but he allowed himself to be guided out of the room.

"How are you feeling?" asked Heightmeyer.

Sheppard glanced left and right and swallowed hard, "Yeah I'm feeling a little…_bothered_ by this," he said. As he spoke he noticed a member of personnel walking down the corridor. He gave Sheppard a look up and down and then continued on his way. Sheppard shrank back against his door but didn't open it.

"Okay," said Heightmeyer, "Okay, just close your eyes and remember the exercise I just taught you."

"Do I need to lie down?"

"No," she said, "Just remember, breathe from the diaphragm, in, out, in-"

Sheppard tried it out and was starting to feel a bit better. His chest felt less constricted as he breathed.

"How are you doing?"

"Good," he said, squeezing his eyes shut tighter. If he didn't have to see the world sway, maybe his mind would believe it wasn't.

"Okay, how about you take a couple of steps forward with me? Just two steps and then we'll start the exercise again."

Sheppard cracked one eye open and pressed himself further into the wall as he slid two steps. He shut his eyes against an onslaught of dizziness.

"You're doing great Colonel."

Sheppard breathed in for five and out for five. It started out slow and controlled but as his terror peaked, so did his breathing.

Until finally he was panting.

"I need to go back," he said suddenly, reaching out to the wall for purchase.

"Just calm down Colonel and breathe-"

"Breathing doesn't work," he said.

"You're just working yourself up."

"I know," he said pleadingly, "I have to go back." He pushed off the wall and staggered back to his door. He hit the button to open it but it didn't slide open, "Why isn't it opening?" he called out, "Kate?"

She walked over to him and pressed the button lightly. It slid open.

Sheppard stumbled into his room and went to the farthest side. He ran a hand through his hair and bent over to alleviate the nausea in his stomach, "What is wrong with me?" he said. He was feeling terrible and finally he couldn't take it anymore. He ran into the bathroom, skidding on his knees and pushing his head over the toilet he vomited.

"Are you okay?" he heard Heightmeyer ask from behind him.

He stayed where he was, head resting on the toilet and groaned, "Go away."

Heightmeyer stood in the doorway, "You may feel like you're going crazy but you're not. Panic attacks affect a third of the U.S. population, and most of them aren't fighting the wraith or under vast amounts of pressure as a commanding officer. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. This may take some time."

"I don't have time," he shouted. "I'm sorry," he said realizing his outburst and bringing his voice level back down.

"I'll give you some space," she said, "I'll come and see you tomorrow. Please, Colonel, practice the breathing exercises."

Heightmeyer disappeared and Sheppard was left alone in his bathroom.

He got up shakily and washed his face.

"Shit!" he called out as he walked into the main bedroom and kicked over the chair Heightmeyer seemed so fond off. He found himself feeling angry, ridiculously tense and he swept off the contents of his desk. He was tired of being humiliated and debilitated by this stupid disorder. He moved over to his bed and pushed it over, threw War and Peace across the room and shattered his mirror.

He finally lost steam and energy and collapsed where he stood on the floor. He lay perfectly still, looking up at the ceiling and tried to calm himself down with those damn breathing exercises.

-----------------

Mckay found Sheppard lying on his floor with the room around him a dilapidated mess. He ran over to his friend and checked his pulse, "Sheppard?"

Sheppard began to stir on the floor, he yawned, and looked up at Mckay with a confused expression, "What?"

"What are you doing on the floor?"

Sheppard craned his neck around to see where he was and sighed, "I was doing my breathing exercises. I guess I must have fallen asleep."

Mckay sat back on his heels, "What happened to your room?"

"Me," said Sheppard sitting up. He scanned his damage, "Wow, I did a real number on this place."

"Is that your tactic now? Make this place an unbearable place to live _just_ so it forces you out?"

Sheppard stood up and walked over to lift up the upturned chair, "I was angry," he said.

"I can tell that," said Mckay getting up and righting his bed, "I take it the session with Kate didn't go too well."

Sheppard bristled as he cleaned up the broken glass on the floor, "It was going fine, until I went out of my door and freaked out." A slice of the broken glass cut his finger and he pushed it into his mouth to get rid of the blood.

"And evidently you freaked in here, you broke your mirror," said Mckay as Sheppard put the broken fragments in the trash.

"I know," he said picking up his War and Peace. He leafed through it and saw that pages 122 to 125 had disappeared. He saw the pages lying on the floor next to his skateboard and retrieved them.

"And you broke the blue mug," said Mckay, "This is mine."

"I'm sorry I broke your mug," said Sheppard wearily. He dumped his bed linen back onto his bed and Mckay helped him put it back straight.

"You could try this breathing thing with me," said Mckay tucking in the far corner, "You know I'm sure Kate was just making you anxious."

Sheppard sighed and plumped up his pillow, "You make me anxious."

"We could just go out there now," said Mckay, "Come on."

Sheppard could see that Mckay wanted to be the one to help him but he wasn't so sure he could.

Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by a pillow to his face and he looked across at Mckay with a look of bewilderment, "You do that again-"

His other pillow smacked him in the face, "That's it-"

Mckay ran to the door, palmed it open and stood outside. Sheppard ran over to him and stopped himself just before he went over the threshold, "I see what you're trying to do here but it's not going to work."

"Fine," said Mckay, "Well, I'm not going to talk to you then until you come out of your room."

"Fine," said Sheppard. He took a step back and the doors closed behind him. He waited a beat and then laughed softly and reopened his door, "Rodney wait I-"

McKay had gone already.

------------------

Sheppard groaned when the door chimed for about the fiftieth time that day. He figured with him being physically unable to leave his room it meant that people had to come to him, but it was beginning to annoy him. He didn't get up from his bed and instead hollered across the room for them to come in.

Addison poked her head into the room, "Hey," she said.

"Come in," said Sheppard. He moved aside some of the reports he had been going over.

"So this is just a quick visit," she said standing in the centre of the room.

"Oh right," said Sheppard.

"Breathe in for five, out for five," she said, "Am I right? That's what Heightmeyer is telling you to do."

"Yeah."

"It works," she said, "It really does."

"Okay," said Sheppard picking up one of his reports and fake reading it.

"You just really have to go with it, you have to believe that it will work."

"I tried earlier, I believed it would work and I threw up."

"So, you failed the first time. That sucks, now try it again."

Sheppard dropped the file and got up off the bed, "I don't want to."

"That's not the Sheppard I saw in that room all those months ago," she said with an irritated looked on her face, "You kept going, despite everything."

"I wanted to die," he admitted sadly.

"But you didn't. And now you want to quit, but you also know you can't do that."

Sheppard shook his head, "How do you know me so well?"

Addison shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe it's because of all that time I had to listen to you, or maybe it's because you remind me of my older brother a little bit. Either way, you won't give up."

"I'll keep trying," he said.

"Okay, so how about now?"

"Now what?"

"Outside now. In the hall. I bet you can't do that," she said with a mischievous grin.

"I can."

"Are you Colonel John Sheppard, or Colonel _Chicken_?"

Sheppard turned to the door.

"I don't see you moving Colonel Chicken."

Sheppard walked over to the door, opened it and took a step out.

When Addison joined him, he was sweating and pale.

"Okay, so just breathe normally and slowly," she said leaning up against the wall.

He stood completely still.

"Take all the time you need."

"I might be here a while," he said, "Hang on, _take my time_, why?"

"Nothing," she said.

He opened his eyes and then clamped them shut.

"Your dizzy," she said her face etched with concern, "Okay, don't panic. From what I can tell, you are standing upright, you look solid, and you're not going to fall."

"It feels like I'm swaying," he said between swallows.

"Ah and your swallowing mechanisms feel all wrong. Don't think about it, just breathe."

Sheppard was starting to edge backwards until he felt a hand grip his and squeeze, "Lets take three steps to the left," she said.

Sheppard took the steps, his legs feeling wobbly all the while.

"You're doing great," she said, "Now same again. In and out, slowly."

"This is humiliating," he said through gritted teeth.

"Oh shut up," said Addison, "You're doing great and you don't look like an idiot."

"I didn't say I looked like an idiot," he mumbled as she pulled him again down the hall.

"What are you doing?"

"We're moving," she said, "You could open your eyes you know."

"I like them closed," he said.

"Okay well I'll just keep pulling you until you open them."

Sheppard had been trailing his fingers along the wall when it disappeared suddenly and his hand caught air. The fear of fear returned.

"Where are we going?"

He heard a noise, a door opening and then could feel something cool on his face. Something cool and wet.

"You can open your eyes," said Addison guiding his hands onto something.

Sheppard swallowed hard and reluctantly opened his eyes. He took in a sharp intake of breath and looked out from the viewpoint Addison had bought him to. It was only around the corner from his room.

It was the balcony with some of the best views over the city. It was also freezing cold and raining.

He gripped the railing hard.

"Keep breathing," said Addison stepping next to him.

"Dizzy," he mumbled again and bought his head down onto the railing.

"Take some deep breathes of that _clean_ sea air. Doesn't that feel good?"

Sheppard had to admit that it did.

"Thank you," he said. He was shaking from the adrenaline surging through his system.

"It's not a quick fix but its close," she said over the roar of the sea, "Hey you wanna go back?"

Sheppard nodded weakly.

"I'll race you back to your room."

---------------------

Sheppard couldn't help but smile. He'd made it out of his room today with no great complications. He settled back into his bed with War and Peace and started to read. After a while he felt himself drifting off to sleep.

--------------------

The door to his quarters slid open and he awoke groggily. Sheppard blinked blearily into the light which was now flooding into his room. He was expecting a shadow to fill the gap, but instead, he was confronted with an empty space.

He groaned, raised his head and rolled over onto his elbow to get a better look, "Hello?" he called out tentatively.

There was no response and a second later his door slid shut again.

Figuring somebody must have accidentally opened his door he rolled back over and dropped his head onto the pillow.

It was only when his eyes were closed and his heartbeat was slowing did he become aware of a presence in the room with him. He stilled his breathing and waited.

There was definite movement beside him.

Deciding he had no other option, he opened his eyes just in time to see the dark yet unmistakable silhouette of a wraith.

TBC

_Sorry very talky, but I suffered from panic attacks for years, (And still occasionally do) and I guess its therapeutic writing about it._


	15. Chapter 15

He barely had time to react as the hand he knew was poised to feed on him, slammed down onto his chest. For one horrifying instant he thought he was dead, but when he looked down, he saw that the wraith had struck something covering his chest. He'd forgotten he had fallen asleep reading War and Peace and now it seemed that a book had saved his life.

Sheppard rolled, got tangled in his sheets and fell ungracefully onto the floor striking his head on his side table as he went down.

After blinking away stars, one hand instantly sought out his ear piece whilst the other was under the bed reaching for his P90.

His fingers brushed the butt of his gun, but before he could get a hold on it he was hauled up from the floor. His fingers clawed at the sheets ineffectually and he gasped when a hand was wrapped around his throat. He could feel the pressure increasing and his pulse thrumming in his ears as he tried to strain free from the stronghold. He managed to find a weak point in the wraiths wrist and wrench it away from his bruised neck, stumbling back in the process and finding his foot yet again tangled in his sheets.

A well aimed bullet, yes.

A wraith attack, yes.

But, never had he imagined his death would be the result of his bed linen.

He went down to the floor again but this time his fingers not only brushed the gun, but embraced it. He got up quickly, arching his elbow to connect with flesh as he got up and then he sprinted into his bathroom, locking it behind him.

He leant against the door and closed his eyes and listened as the wraith began to hit the other side of the door. He moved away from it, primed his P90 and kept it aimed at the door. With his other hand he pushed his ear piece in and tried to reach control.

"Yes Sir?"

"We have a wraith on the base," said Sheppard. He looked over to the mirror and even in the semi-darkness he could see the blood running down the side of his face.

"I'm not picking anything up on the scanners Sir," he heard the tech say.

The wraith kicked his door again and Sheppard inched backwards, "I can _confirm_ that there is a wraith on base." He waited for a second before speaking again, "Locate my room. Identify that there is another life form _inside_ my room."

There was another minutes of silence before the tech came back to him, "I'm identifying a second life form buts it not coming up as wraith."

"How is that possible?" asked Sheppard and then he shook his head, "Alert Lorne and get him to a head up a team. I'm going to take this guy out now, but there may be more."

"Understood."

Sheppard double checked his weapon and edged closer to the door. His hand was shaking as he went to key it open. He was caught off guard by the sudden and continuous blare of the alarm which seemed to startle him more in his half awake state The alarm was compounding his newly acquired headache.

The door opened and Sheppard was glad he hadn't turned his bathroom light on. This way, his eyes were still adjusted to the darkness.

An announcement was made and then the alarm shut off. He was left in deathly silence.

He edged out into his bedroom, slowing his breathing, to hear over his heart and waited. His room felt distinctly empty now. He moved his hand up to the top of the gun and slowly flicked the torch light on. It cut through the dark like a dagger but didn't point to the wraith.

"You here?" he asked keeping his hands steady and his finger over the trigger.

Sheppard finally moved over to the room light and switched it on.

The room was illuminated, but there was no sign of the wraith.

He checked under the bed and wandered back into the bathroom before standing in the centre of the room, confused.

He hadn't dreamt up that wraith, he was losing it but not that much.

He walked over to his bed and picked up War and Peace. There was a large slash across the front of it which confirmed he wasn't going stir crazy.

He waited in his room for a moment, pacing back and forth as he waited for Lorne to arrive. He was too slow and Sheppard knew that if he was going to catch up the wraith he would have to leave now.

He looked over to the door and let out a pained groan, "Major Lorne, what is your position?"

"We're on our way to you, Sir. We're in the east section of the city."

Sheppard's eyes flitted to the door, "You're going to take too long," he said bounding up and down on the balls of his feet.

"We're going as fast as we can."

Sheppard was stood perfectly still, biting one his nails and fighting with his inner self.

He had to leave now.

He approached the door, closed his eyes and began to breathe in and out slowly.

He was inaugurating calm when his earpiece crackled, "Sir, where is the wraith now?"

Sheppard palmed open his door and looked out into the hallway cautiously, "He left my room," he said peering around the corner. To his horror he saw the wraith leaning over some woman in the hall, feeding. He pulled his head back and let out a gasp.

"Sir?"

"Just get here as quick as you can," he said rasping into his earpiece.

He took a step back into his room and paced for a further minute before finally reaching for his tactical vest and sliding on his trousers. He tried to force calm and then tentatively shuffled out of his room.

The wraith instantly looked up at him, abandoned the woman and started off towards the end of the hallway.

Sheppard took a second to look around at his surroundings, trying to ground himself, and then gave the woman a brief glance before following the wraith.

She was dead.

"Lorne, our wraith is on the move. I'm following him south on sector c," he said as he pushed passed a member of startled personnel.

As he ran he saw more people, lying on the ground after having obviously been struck by the wraith.

"We need these people to be in their quarters," Sheppard shouted into his earpiece, "Make another announcement."

"Colonel Sheppard, is that right? We have a wraith in the city? Again."

Sheppard responded to Elizabeth's voice as he continued to move down the halls, "Yes we do."

"How is that possible?"

Suddenly Mckay's voice came over the radio, "Its impossible."

"Well Mckay now you know he's here perhaps you could analyse the life sign and keep an eye on it. He's just up ahead of me on the south corridor leading from my quarters. We're the two dots moving."

"Clever," said Mckay, "I wouldn't have guessed that."

"Rodney," Sheppard warned.

"Okay, I can do that, stay on the line." There was a pause before, "You're out of your room?"

Sheppard took in a pained breathe and again looked around at the swaying corridors as he ran, "Uh huh."

"You doing okay?" asked Mckay.

"I feel like crap. Pinpoint the wraith Mckay." He signed off and finally reached a corridor with columns alongside it. Plenty of places for it to hide, thought Sheppard.

He stopped, kept perfectly still and swept his P90 across the room.

Nothing.

There was a noise up ahead of him and he stealthily moved towards it.

An open door in front of him was yawning to admit him.

Sheppard crept up to it and poked his head around to see the wraith leaning over Brian's body. The room was known as Beckett's deep freeze and it was where he kept all of the bodies of the wraith they encountered. He used it as a learning tool more than anything to discern more about wraith anatomy. He found himself shivering at the thought.

Sheppard swallowed, tried to let the dizziness around him settle, before entering the room. He held his P90 straight ahead and interrupted the wraiths actions.

"Stop what you're doing right now," he said as he stepped forward.

The wraith who had been taking some blood samples from Brian, palmed the syringe he was using and placed the vial of blood in his pocket. He turned to Sheppard and stared at him eerily before speaking, "You can not stop this," it hissed.

Sheppard sighed and took another step forward; he glanced at the body, "What are you doing with his blood?"

"Nothing you could comprehend," said the wraith.

"I'm pretty smart," said Sheppard, "Why don't you just _try_ and explain?"

The wraith remained quiet.

"You've been evading our sensors, how did you do that? And more to the point how the hell did you get here?" His aim wasn't wavering despite how he was feeling inside. He was panicking, he was sweating, he was dizzy and he was lodged in a surreal scenario he wanted to end.

The wraith was holding the syringe like a weapon and Sheppard's gut tensed.

"More will come."

"That's what your buddy there said," said Sheppard. He took another step forward until the barrel of his gun was pointing at the wraiths stomach, "And then I killed him."

The wraith stretched his mouth into a smile.

In a whirl of motion, the wraith grabbed at his gun and pushed it back against his chest. It winded him and Sheppard fought to keep hold of his weapon as it slipped from his fingers. It clattered to the floor noisily, and distracted, Sheppard barely noticed it when the wraith drove at him with the syringe, angling it down like a knife. Sheppard pushed back, tripped over his own weapon and was sent to the ground. He jarred his shoulder and let out a wail.

The wraith seemed to watch him for a minute, as if considering if he had a further use, say for instance a meal, but then stepped over him and left the room.

Sheppard reached for his gun, got up onto his feet and followed him as he ran down the corridors. He could see the flit of dreads as they went round a corner.

"Lorne he was in the deep freeze. Got some of Brian's blood, I'm following him right now."

"Where's he going?" asked Lorne, "We're a few minutes from your position."

"I don't know," said Sheppard, "Just make sure everyone's in their quarters. I don't need to be tripping over people as I follow him."

He continued his chase though the winding corridors and again found himself losing him. He skidded to a stop, leant against a wall and tried to contact Mckay, "You got him yet?" he asked through gasps for breathe.

"Yeah," said Mckay, "I've managed to discern the part of him that is wraith, he's…..he's heading towards the control room."

"Okay," said Sheppard, "Lorne, you need to send a team to the gate room. It looks like he's trying to get out the conventional way."

"Yes Sir," said Lorne quickly, "We're closer to that than you."

"How did he get there so quick?" Sheppard asked Mckay, pushing himself off the wall and sprinting as fast as he could.

"I don't know but his life sign appeared next to a transporter."

"But he can't use them," said Sheppard reaching a transporter and stepping inside.

"Well he has," said Mckay.

"I know that," said Sheppard pacing the small space. "It has something to do with these experiments their conducting."

"How are you doing?" asked Mckay suddenly.

Sheppard was tapping his fingers impatiently on the door control, "If I don't think about it I'm fine. Thanks for asking though," he said and left the transporter. "Elizabeth I need you to get out of your office."

"Too late," said Elizabeth. Her voice was trembling and she couldn't hide her fear.

Sheppard ran as fast as he could through the intersecting corridors, and finally made it into the gate room. He stopped dead when he saw the wraith standing in the centre of the control room, holding their gate tech up by the back of his jacket and surrounded by some of his men.

He could see that Elizabeth was in her office unmoving, watching the scene in front of her unfolding.

Sheppard accounted for all of the staff and made sure that they were a safe distance away before entering the room.

"Don't shoot," he said to his team surrounding the wraith, their P90s drawn, safety's off.

"Sir?" one of the soldiers voiced his concerns.

He heard Lorne in his ear again, "Sir, I have a team by the gate. Did I just hear right?"

Sheppard kept his voice low and controlled, "He knows something."

The wraith tossed the gate tech to the side and looked down at the dialling device.

"Lower your weapons," said Sheppard.

"Sir," the same soldier was having a problem with his command.

"I'm not going to tell you twice," said Sheppard drawing himself up and walking towards them, "Now _step_ back."

"John, what are you doing?" he heard Elizabeth saying in his ear. He could see her across the bridge and watched her lips move.

"Trust me," he said and then inched closer still.

The wraith seemed to be confused but leant over the dialling device and began to input an address.

"He's going to get away," said one of the soldiers. He stepped forward and bought up his weapon again.

"Lt, let him dial up."

"Sir," the kid was looking severely panicked.

Sheppard walked over to him, ripped the P90 from his hands, "Let him go."

The gate engaged the final chevron and came to life. Everyone was standing in perfect silence as it edged down the steps towards the gate.

Again, Lorne's team who were positioned around the gate were holding up their weapons.

Sheppard followed the wraith down the steps and spoke clearly, "Major, you let him go."

Lorne made eye contact and reluctantly instructed the rest of his team to stand down.

The wraith turned to Sheppard and they shared a look before stepping through the gate. Sheppard waited a beat and took a deep breath to abate his panic.

He turned to Lorne again, "Don't do it," he said quietly.

"Make sure you come through after me," said Sheppard before sprinting towards the gate himself.

The event horizon dissipated and the silence of the room erupted.

TBC

_Okay so I'm cruel, but you get the next instalment tomorrow AND you learn about these additions. So, technically, I'm not really being mean._

_Please review if you read._


	16. Chapter 16

Immediately after the gate had closed down and Sheppard had sprinted out on the other side, he was hit by an overwhelming terror. He stopped, turned back to the gate and then realised what he had done. He swallowed and watched as the scenery in front of him started to sway and pitch. He stooped over and took in a deep breathe to clear his head. On opening his eyes he quirked an eyebrow on realising he had no shoes on.

"Stupid," he muttered as he straightened up.

Sheppard had told Lorne to come through after him and he couldn't return now. Not unless he wanted to look like a real idiot. No, embarrassment forced him to hold his ground.

Sheppard checked his tactical vest and was relieved to find his Life Sign detector in it. He didn't have all the ordinance he needed but he had a P90 with two, fifty round magazines and a 9mil with at least twenty six. He flicked on the LSD and saw one blue dot moving quickly towards another blue dot.

It had to be his wraith.

He turned in a circle to see if there were any other life signs and found the immediate area to be deserted.

He managed to get the LSD and his P90 into a comfortable position and then started up the hill in front of him in pursuit of the wraith.

He followed a covered trail for a few miles, following the dot until it finally stopped near the second blue dot. He knelt behind a large bush and pushed the leaves aside to see a small grey building. What he saw behind it had him moving closer and shaking his head in disbelief.

It was a Puddle jumper.

His eyes narrowed as he checked the LSD, the two dots were inside the grey building.

He took a moment to look behind him, mentally working out that if Lorne's team set off ten minutes after him, it would be at least half an hour before they tracked him to this point. There wasn't enough time to wait, despite the part of him which begged for him to stay put.

He skirted around the trees until he was behind the building. The Puddle jumper was sitting in front of him. Its side was ripped open and the front compartment looked smashed. Sheppard had an inkling that it was in fact a Jumper that he had downed on a recent mission. Sheppard set his P90 to automatic and slowly edged out towards the Jumper. The back end was open and he made sure the coast was clear before stepping inside. He checked the supply racks in case some of their ordinance was still there. There was none. It had been entirely stripped, as had some of the access panels in the inner hull. He dodged some exposed wires and found himself in the forward section. The controls had been tampered with and there appeared to be some strange and foreign devices on the control stick. He moved his hand over the controls and they lit up as he expected.

The Jumper was still operational, just not flyable.

A noise behind him made him stiffen. His finger found the trigger and he slowly turned around.

There was nothing there.

He made his way to the back of the Jumper again and cautiously took a step out. His foot had barely touched the dirt when something connected with his right temple and he spun to the ground.

---------------------

Sheppard came back to awareness the minute he was held down and something stabbed the inside of his arm. When he opened his eyes an old looking man was inserting a syringe into his forearm and drawing blood. As for the thug that was holding him down. It was the wraith.

"What the hell are you doing?" asked Sheppard moving from the wraiths grip.

"You can let him go now," said the old man.

The wraith let go of him and Sheppard went to get up from his chair. A strong hand to his shoulder assured that he stayed where he was.

Sheppard let his eyes wander the room and saw that he was in a lab. He could also see that his P90 and his sidearm were on the table across from him.

"What is this place?" asked Sheppard. He bought his hand up to the tender spot beside his eye.

The old man with white hair and frighteningly serene eyes turned to him and smiled, "I'm Arden," he said holding his hand out for Sheppard to shake. He realised what he was doing and drew his hand back quickly, "You're co-operation here has been duly noted."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes, "_My_ co-operation?"

"Your blood. You have the ATA gene," said Arden. His voice was calm and careful. "You shouldn't go poking around ships that aren't yours. My wraith saw you activate the forward panel."

Sheppard ignored him. "What are you doing here?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" asked Arden.

Sheppard tensed his jaw.

Arden looked down at the floor. "I've been working on amalgamating Ancient technology with wraith technology," he said.

"What?"

Arden shared a look with the wraith and gave him a curt nod, "You may feed on him now."

"No," said Sheppard jumping up from his seat. The big hand clamped down on his shoulder, tweaked a nerve and he fell back into his chair, "Why are you working for the wraith?" he asked looking between the two.

Arden started to walk off towards a computer, "Why not," he said and waved a hand dismissively.

Sheppard was hauled up from his chair. He scanned the room to make sure that there was nobody else around and then kicked out at the wraith. It was like kicking a brick wall and he remembered his barefoot as his toe connected with the wraiths leg. He let out a groan.

The wraith seemed amused by Sheppard's obvious pain.

"You think that's funny?" said Sheppard and he mocked smiled before jabbing his fingers into the wraiths eyes.

He managed to stumble forward, his hands reaching out for both of his weapons as the wraith covered his eyes in agony.

He turned the P90 on the wraith and fired off a number of shots before being thrown to the ground.

"Stop!" he heard Arden call out. He stood back, hands raised, "You'll destroy my research."

"Excuse me if I don't care about your damn research," shouted Sheppard.

Sheppard twisted back up and picked up the chair he had previously been sitting on to smash it over the wraiths head. He fell backwards and his outstretched hand knocked vials and smashed glass onto the floor.

"Stop it!" screamed Arden, panic now overtaking every mechanism in his body.

He reached out for the wraith in an attempt to hold it back but found himself being thrust to the ground.

Sheppard finally reeled off the remaining rounds of his P90 into the wraiths gut. He made a vague effort to move forward before he collapsed onto the floor next to Arden.

Sheppard didn't wait for Arden to move; he grabbed him by the front of his clothes and dragged him up. He pushed him against the wall and held him there with one hand whilst he double checked the wraith was dead. They had a nasty habit of popping up into the peripheral after you'd seemingly killed them.

Satisfied that he now only had one problem he pulled out his side arm and held up against Arden, "Why in the hell are you working for the wraith?"

Arden tried to struggle against his grasp.

"I wouldn't do that," said Sheppard.

"Let me go."

"Answer my question," said Sheppard holding him steady.

"Because they protect me," he said his voice rising from its usual level of calm, "If I didn't help them I'd be dead."

"And you're merging technology," said Sheppard.

"They realise that ancient technology is an issue for them. It leaves many places inaccessible. I was just trying to-"

"You have _my_ ship," said Sheppard digging the barrel of his gun into Arden's neck.

"Yours!" exclaimed Arden, "I found it on another planet, _abandoned_."

"And now you're _stealing_ components from it."

"The wraith wanted to be undetected by ancient technology. I merely helped them along."

"And the ATA gene?" asked Sheppard.

"They also wanted to avoid life signs detectors," said Arden. His lips were trembling.

"So you know about Atlantis," said Sheppard.

"You're from Atlantis?" asked Arden.

Sheppard held him but didn't answer.

Arden shrank back against the wall, "Are you going to kill me?"

Sheppard rolled his eyes, "Where are the other wraith?"

"I won't tell you."

Sheppard pulled him away from the wall and then slammed him against it, "Where?"

Arden closed his eyes, "On another world. There is one small colony of around ten wraith."

"How many darts have you modified?"

"We did have three, but-."

"It crashed into Atlantis," said Sheppard angrily.

"Two," Arden said.

Sheppard nodded, "That's how the wraith have been undetected in Atlantis," he said with a note of disgust, "It's why they didn't show up on our scanners."

Arden squirmed against Sheppard's grasp, "What are you going to do with me?"

Sheppard, still grabbing him, turned and looked over the equipment. He dragged Arden over to a computer station and pointed at it with his gun, "This where you store your information?"

Arden was tight-lipped.

Sheppard let go of Arden, "Don't move," he said.

Arden remained motionless.

Sheppard pulled a black box off the back of the computer and turned it over in his hands. Arden reacted by trying to grab the box from his clutch.

"Important," said Sheppard.

Arden nodded.

Sheppard shoved into his vest and turned to the rest of the lab. He shot out a few other computers and headed towards the door.

Arden didn't move so Sheppard grabbed him by his arm and cajoled him outside into the light and around to the back of the building.

"What are you doing?" asked Arden. For an old man he had a lot of strength and unrelentingly tried to pull away.

Sheppard marched into the Jumper still with Arden, reached into one of the panels and keyed in a code on an exposed keyboard. He waited a second, typed in another command, crossed two wires and then pulled Arden with him outside.

"What did you do?" asked Arden again.

Sheppard was continuing to walk. He had stabbing pains in his feet from the glass he stood on in the lab but he didn't let it show on his face.

"I'd walk faster if I was you," said Sheppard as they reached an incline.

"What did you do?" shouted Arden. He looked back at his home.

"I overloaded the drive pods," said Sheppard, "So we need to get as far away as possible."

"Overloaded…the," Arden turned back and Sheppard let him go.

"You can go back if you want?" said Sheppard crossing his arms over his P90.

There was a high pitched whine coming from the Jumper now.

Arden seemed to consider his options before scrambling back up the hill.

Just as they reached the top of the hill there was a massive explosion which sent debris into the air and littered the sky with deep black smoke.

"How could you do that? My research," Arden whined over the crackle of a burning fire.

Sheppard shrugged.

"_Sir did that explosion have anything to do with you?"_

Sheppard smiled and depressed his earpiece, "Yeah. Glad you could make it Lorne. I'm heading back to the gate with some intel."

"_We'll see you at the point of ingress. Lorne out."_

Sheppard proceeded to walk with Arden in his grasp, "Are those wraiths the only ones who know about Atlantis?" asked Sheppard as he pulled Arden under the cover of forest canopy. He pulled back a branch and let it swing back into Arden's face.

"That know of my research," said Arden. He pulled a bit of foliage out of his mouth and spat.

Sheppard smiled a little and stepped over an overturned log, "So no more know?"

"As you are no doubt aware-," he stopped, "What _is_ your name?"

"Lt _Colonel_ John Sheppard."

"As you are no doubt aware _Sheppard_, there is a lot of in fighting amongst the wraith. They're not as unified as we first believed."

Sheppard felt the first spits of rain and he looked down at his feet, "What size shoes do you have?"

Arden looked at his feet with an expression of confusion.

"Never mind," said Sheppard pulling him through a collection of moss covered trees, "You on your own here?"

"Yes," said Arden. A look of sadness crossed his face that Sheppard didn't miss.

"The wraith kill your family?"

Arden nodded, "They would have killed me if I had not helped them. When they realised I had the gene it was only a matter of time before they got me to start experimentation. They treat the humans with the gene _differently_."

Sheppard's mind was cast back to the wraith who had seemed to sense his gene when he was back on the mother hive ship not so long ago. "How did you know about Atlantis?"

Arden again bobbed his head, "By mistake. We had no idea the ancient city still stood. When we tracked the technology in our dart back to Atlantis we couldn't believe it."

"_We_? You and your wraith." Sheppard groaned as the rain started to plaster his hair to his forehead, "Why did you send a wraith to Atlantis after? To collect the tech?"

"We located the fallen technology but knew 503 would be inside."

"Ah ,so you gave the wraiths names?" said Sheppard. "503, I preferred Brian."

Arden gave him a strange looked before talking over a rumble of thunder, "We've had some problems with the efficacy of the ATA gene within the wraith population. Some reject it, some don't. 503 evidently rejected the gene. It affected his ability to control the ancient technology."

Sheppard remembered how the wraith had shown up on the life signs detector and the most recent one hadn't.

"Now our darts however. I expect you missed it on long range scanners?"

Sheppard grabbed Arden and angrily shoved him forwards.

His head went dizzy and he gripped a nearby tree long enough to stave off any panic. He tried to co-ordinate his thoughts and reminded himself of what Addison had told him. She had told him that no matter how scary they were, they didn't mean anything. He wasn't going to die.

He opened his eyes to see Arden running off into the distance. He sighed and ran after the older man, jumping more logs and stepping in all manner of slimy things. He finally reached Arden and took him down to the ground. They sat in the rain staring at one another for moment before Sheppard said, "Don't do that again."

He hauled Arden up to his feet.

-------------------------

When Sheppard came through the gate followed by Lorne and his team, Elizabeth noted that there was an old man being man-handled through as well.

She ran down the steps to Sheppard who was walking towards the bottom step with a look of concentration. He sat down, bent forward and closed his eyes.

"Colonel, are you okay?" she asked moving to stand by him.

"I'm doing those damn breathing exercises," said Sheppard remaining still.

"Should I call Beckett?"

"No," said Sheppard looking up at her.

Elizabeth noted the bruises and various cuts on his face and crossed her arms, "I'm calling Beckett to clear up those cuts. Beckett?"

"_I'm here."_

"I need you in the gate room."

"_On my way."_

Sheppard leant forward and started to breathe in deep again.

"What happened out there?" she asked turning to Lorne for an answer.

Lorne was holding Arden by the forearm, "Colonel Sheppard found and destroyed a lab where Mr Arden here was working on putting wraith tech with ancient tech."

Elizabeth turned to the old man. Part of her felt guilty for treating an old man in such a manner. He looked up with a feeble smile.

"Sheppard, you destroyed his lab?"

Sheppard reached into his vest and held up the black box, "I grabbed some intel. I thought Rodney could take a look at it," and he breathed in deep before getting up to stand, "He has a colony of wraith on another planet."

Elizabeth's interest was peaked, "Is that so?"

Arden nodded and looked past the both of them when Mckay entered the room. He ran down the steps and over to them, "So?" he said, "Where's the fire? Who's this guy?"

"He's been working with the wraith," said Sheppard swiping away some sweat which threatened to roll into his eye.

"Working with the wraith?" Mckay snorted, "Are you insane?"

Arden started to answer but Sheppard interrupted him before he could continue, "We have a hard drive type device for you to look at."

Mckay snatched it from his hands and looked at it with a critical eye, "This may be of use. Good job Colonel."

Sheppard nodded and turned back to Arden, "I'm going to need the address of that planet."

Arden shrivelled under Lorne's grasp, "You're going to kill them all," he said and looked sad.

"What? He's sympathising with the wraith?" said Mckay.

"Yeah, he's crazy," said Sheppard.

"Seriously?"

"He's working with the wraith Rodney."

"Oh yes, well…so how are you doing? Any panic att-"

"Gentlemen," Elizabeth was waiting for the two to stop talking.

Just then, Beckett came into the room with a gurney and a medical team.

Sheppard turned on his heel, "I don't need a gurney," he said with a sigh.

"You need to be checked over," said Beckett insulted slightly.

"I need some cuts cleaned up and that's all," said Sheppard.

"You need your feet stitched up," said Beckett.

"I do n-" Sheppard's voice trailed off and he looked down at the gate room floor. It was smeared and slicked with his blood, "Oh."

"Oh," said Beckett, "So jump on the gurney and we'll get you fixed up."

"Where are your shoes?" asked Mckay following him.

Sheppard allowed himself to be lead to the medical team and his awaiting transport, "I want a team set and ready to go to this colony early tomorrow morning."

Elizabeth nodded. She realised it would only be detrimental to stop Sheppard after the progress he had made in the past few hours.

"How are you doing Colonel?" asked Beckett as they began to wheel him away.

"Ask him about his shoes?" said Mckay.

"Dizzy, sick, _panicky_," admitted Sheppard.

"Why didn't you put them on?" Mckay continued to say.

"You okay?"

"I mean, surely you would have put on shoes."

"I'm out of my room aren't ?" asked Sheppard.

"Yes but without your-"

Sheppard held up his hand to silence Mckay, "I was kind of busy Rodney."

Mckay crossed his arms, "So, you want me to get your boots?"

TBC

_No evil cliffie today_.

_Off they go to kick wraith butt_

_REVIEW PLEASE_


	17. Chapter 17

"Carson, I _mean_ it. If you don't get off my-dammit!"

"Would you quit being a baby," Heightmeyer heard Beckett say from behind the door.

"Sheppard just act like a man," she heard Mckay say.

"Carson, You do that again and-"

"What …._this_?" There was the sound of a struggle and then something clattered to the floor.

Heightmeyer entered the room to see Sheppard sat up against the back of the infirmary bed, his foot pulled up as close to him as possible, Mckay sitting on the stool trying to stifle a laugh and Beckett scrambling around on the floor for his antiseptic swab.

All three men looked up on her arrival, "What's going on?" she asked holding her notebook close to her chest.

"Who knew the Colonel had ticklish feet," said Mckay with a smirk.

Sheppard rolled his eyes, "I prefer to call them sensitive."

"Sensitive, ticklish, _girly_ reaction," said Mckay chuckling.

Beckett stood up, tossed the dirty swab into the trash and recovered a new one, "Colonel, It's important I clean up these cuts and you have a piece of glass lodged in your heel."

"I could get that out myself with a pair of tweezers," said Sheppard defensively.

"Is that your professional opinion? I'm the bloody Doctor, now give me your foot."

"Yes Sheppard. Give the man your foot," said Mckay crossing his arms and leaning forward with a self-righteous look on his face.

Sheppard made a face and reluctantly pushed his foot down to Beckett. He reflexively flinched when Beckett grabbed it and started to swab the effected areas.

"So what brings you here?" asked Sheppard as he squirmed against the uncomfortable sensation.

"I came to see how you were doing," said Heightmeyer.

Sheppard gripped the railing and sucked in a breath, "Carson," he warned.

Beckett continued his work and deliberately gave Sheppard's foot an elongated swipe with the swab. Sheppard curled his toes.

"Okay," said Beckett, "I'm going to get some bandages for this foot and then I'm going to tend to that head wound."

Sheppard retracted his foot, careful not to undo all of Beckett's work and prodded the side of his head with his finger. He bought it away bloody and rolled his eyes, "This is fine," he said.

"It's not fine," he heard Beckett shout from around the corner.

"Head wounds bleed a lot. This is just a scratch," he thought a moment, "I need to brief my men," shouted Sheppard back.

"Not until I say so," he heard Beckett retort.

"I'll leave you in the capable hands of…Kate," said Mckay with a little smile, "Come find me later. If you can make it out of this room without panting and sweating."

Heightmeyer pulled up the stool and sat next to the bed whilst Sheppard looked at the blood on his fingers with enormous fascination, "So you've come to check on me," he said without looking up.

"Do you think it's wise that you go off-world on a mission when you've barely adjusted to-"

"Going off-world before was a mistake," said Sheppard still not looking up, "I got caught up in the moment and just-"

"I'm talking about the mission tomorrow morning," said Heightmeyer.

Sheppard finally made eye contact and gave her a reproachful look, "So Elizabeth has already spoken to you?"

"She voiced concerns."

"I'm going on that mission," he said, "And anyway, you all wanted me out of my room. I'm out of my room."

"Are you ready to go on a mission of this magnitude?"

Sheppard chewed the inside of his lip as he thought, "I need to be able to do this."

"So you're sure you won't panic."

"It's possible that I _might_, but I'm learning to push through them."

"What if you were to panic at an inopportune moment. You could put your team at risk."

Sheppard's face hardened slightly, "I would never put a team of mine at risk."

"I'm concerned that you are doing too much, too fast."

"Doctor, please trust my judgement on this. I'm still in possession of my own mind. Last I checked anyway."

"I'm concerned-"

"There's that word again."

"I'm _concerned_ that you'll have a relapse. At the minute you're fuelled by adrenaline. I'm afraid that when that adrenaline rush has worn down you will be overwhelmed and panic, especially when you realise that you are away from your safety zone. You'd be undoing all of this progress."

Sheppard put a hand up and Heightmeyer could see the weariness in his eyes.

"I know what you're saying, but this is good for me. I know my own limits."

"You bloody don't," said Beckett as he walked back in carrying bandages, "Now give me that foot."

Sheppard looked down and wiggled his toes.

"Your foot," said Beckett.

Sheppard complied and pulled a face to let him know he wasn't happy.

"Just think about it Colonel. Please consider how you might feel after this is all over."

Sheppard concentrated on Beckett and his task.

"Colonel?"

Sheppard turned to her and gave her a sincere look, "I'll think about it."

-----------------------------

Sheppard had been fixed up by Beckett and had spent a restless night in the infirmary beds which were always a little too short for him.

He'd given Elizabeth a run down of the information he had learnt in prolific detail and had informed his men at the mornings briefing as to what their orders were. He was still having the odd panic attack and taking time outs whenever they got unbearable but neither Beckett nor Elizabeth had pulled the plug on his mission plans yet.

It was early morning, everyone was ready and it was time to go.

"You be careful John," Elizabeth said into his earpiece as the gate dialled up.

Sheppard looked up at her taking her vigil on the balcony and gave her a little smile.

When the event horizon flickered in front of them Sheppard turned to his three, five men teams and shouted, "We're all set." He still had butterflies in his stomach and he still felt unstable but he was on his way to feeling right again. Panic was threatening to overthrow him at every step but he was slowly overcoming it.

Arden was stood next to him as the teams began to disembark, his hands together in a nervous entanglement.

"You better not let me down," said Sheppard.

Arden was shuffling from one foot to the other, "They'll kill me," he said.

Sheppard quirked an eyebrow and pushed him into the puddle. A deep breath and a second later and he was emerging on MX692 A.K.A. 'the wraith colony'.

"Okay, I want a team to secure the gate and the other two teams to find the base. We're going to go in, plant charges and then destroy the base. I want you to keep your radios on an open channel at all times. Where to?" asked Sheppard.

Arden looked down at the ground and made a groaning noise.

Sheppard grabbed him by his shoulder and gave him a shake, "Where to Arden? Trust me, you stick with us, nothing will happen to you."

Arden looked up and with his head nodded towards a line of trees, "That way."

"Okay, fallout," he shouted and prodded Arden forward.

As he walked Mckay came up next to him. Teyla and Ronon took point with the other team headed by Lorne.

"So, how are you feeling?" he asked readjusting his backpack.

Sheppard looked upward at the sky. They were starting to lose light already, "I'm fine Rodney. Are you going to ask me that every day from now on?"

"What's wrong with you?" asked Arden. His interest was peaked.

Sheppard shoved him to walk ahead of him and in a hushed tone he turned to Mckay, "I'd like to put the whole panic attack thing behind me."

Mckay snorted loudly, "Oh _please_. You're sweating right now and you're hardly walking in a straight line. Either you've been drinking before this mission today, which I highly doubt, or you're dizzy because some small part of you is panicking." As he walked he jutted his chin out in a look of pure smugness.

Sheppard scowled and wiped the sweat off his face, "Yeah, so it's still hard. It would be better if I didn't have to mentally check myself every few minutes but other than that I'm fine."

"You're fine," mocked Mckay, "If you had no head you'd say you were fine."

"If I had no head, I would have no mouth to say I was fine," said Sheppard. He readjusted his P90 and checked the safety again.

"Smart, very smart," said Mckay, "Okay, but when you say you're fine, you know everyone immediately knows there's something wrong with you. You need a new blanket response."

"I'm good," said Sheppard.

"Nope, we hear that one all too often as well."

Sheppard continued to walk, thinking as he trod, "Okay, how about I'm peachy, or I'm just sublime, or I'm A-OK or-"

"Okay," said Mckay putting his hands up in mock surrender, "I can see that I've started something very bad here. I'll just shut up."

Sheppard nodded, "Thank you."

From the gate there was a gravel type surface which stretched out towards trees and a cramped horizon. The gravel gave way to mud and grassy fields as they continued.

"You ever get the feeling we just gate to the same place over and over," said Sheppard as he avoided something brown and squishy in the undergrowth.

Mckay looked up at the sky as it began to turn orange, "Well it's not surprising that planets which can support life develop in a similar fashion."

Sheppard shrugged and watched as Arden slowed.

"You getting tired?" he asked the old man.

Arden pushed a hand through his white hair, "I'm getting old."

"How much farther?" asked Teyla when she noticed Arden was flagging.

"Not much further," said Arden sagging.

Ronon grabbed the old man by the wrist, "Show us."

Arden, motivated by the larger mans presence found more steam and trudged ahead of them, pointing to the trees in front of them.

"I guess we follow," said Ronon with a shrug.

--------------------------

They emerged from the fields to look down on a small valley. Central to that was a large organic looking building which looked remarkably similar to a wraith hive ship.

Sheppard crouched down at the tip of the hill and pulled out his binoculars. Mckay knelt down next to him, "Does that look like a-" he began.

Sheppard nodded, "It looks exactly like that. Whatever it is it looks like it's been there for a while. Okay," he said getting up, "We need to-"

"Uh Sir," Lorne was looking over his shoulder and down at the complex. There was a high pitched noise emanating from it which sounded like an alarm.

"I think we have a problem," said Mckay reaching down to his side arm instinctively.

"So much for surprising them," said Lorne as few wraith scattered from the building.

"Somebody must have tipped them off," boomed Ronon's emotionless voice.

There was a flashing blue light and as they watched, more wraith began to flee the building.

"What the hell," said Sheppard bringing the binoculars back up. He turned back to Arden, "What's going on?"

"You have to understand," said Arden taking a step backwards and bumping into Ronon, "I can't let you destroy my research-"

"I thought we had this discussion," said Sheppard wearily. He swallowed convulsively against a wave of panic as his eyes picked up on the wide expanse of landscape around him. He managed to push it down and away.

Ronon gripped Arden by the wrist and he dropped a circular disc onto the floor. Teyla picked it up and examined it before Lorne took it off her for a closer look.

"You warned them," he said in disbelief.

Sheppard approached Arden and shook his head, "And here I thought we were going to be friends."

"You would have killed them all," said Arden pathetically, his lower lip trembling. "Years of research, painful experimentation-"

Sheppard cut him off, "I've heard enough from you."

"If those wraith escape, there will be more lives at stake," said Teyla. She directed her gaze to Arden.

"Okay everybody, pick a wraith and follow it. Shoot to kill. Arden, Rodney, you're with me."

As everyone else left to pursue a wraith, Arden turned to Sheppard, "What are we doing?"

"We're going to go in and we're going to destroy Mr Arden's research for good." He smiled and then added, " And by _good_ I mean _destroy,_ and by _destroy_ I mean _obliterate_…with C4." He started off down the slope towards the noisy complex.

Arden groaned and this time Mckay turned to him, "Oh would you shut up."

--------------------

TBC

_What is wrong with my brain? I swear it's gone and left the building. Can't think…must have…….shep….overload!_

_Here's a bit more to keep you going. No whump but the lead up to some. Only two or three chappies left so hope you've enjoyed._

_And review…pretty please. Thanks_


	18. Chapter 18

Sheppard was operating on pure adrenaline when he tore down to the entrance of the complex. He kept his gun up in a confident, practiced aim, eyes skimming his surroundings in case any wraith popped up into his peripheral vision. He was aware that Mckay and Arden were following close behind and he chanced a look over his shoulder to make sure they were keeping up. Mckay had his side arm drawn, though he was aiming it at the ground as he ran, Arden in front of him stumbling over his own feet as he moved uncertainly.

"When we get in there, I'm going to need you to look sharp," said Sheppard as he reached the entrance.

Mckay nodded, choosing to keep his unhelpful remarks unbidden for now.

"Arden?"

Arden was mumbling incoherently.

"Arden?"

The old man looked up.

"I'm going to need you to shut off that alarm."

Arden nodded.

Sheppard looked back into the growing darkness before ploughing into the complex. It was a maze of organic hallways, taken over by various tree life which had in its lifetime managed to penetrate the strange fortress. He looked left and right, making sure there was nothing lurking in the shadows before he stepped in fully.

"Lorne, how you doing?" he said activating his earpiece.

"_Two down, Teyla's pursing a third. Fletcher's after a fourth. The others have scattered."_

"Okay, let me know the body count as you go. I counted eight leaving the building that leaves two in here."

"_Yes sir."_

"Two?" Mckay stuttered as he looked back over his shoulder cautiously.

"Yes," said Sheppard, "Which way?"

"Up ahead," shouted Arden over the obtrusive alarm.

"After you," Sheppard shouted back.

Arden heaved a sigh before leading the way.

"You picking up anything on the LSD?" asked Sheppard. His throat was beginning to hurt from the strain of keeping his voice elevated.

Mckay pulled out the LSD, gave it a once over and shook his head, "Nothing yet."

The followed Arden as he negotiated the halls, his fingers skimming over the walls surfaces as he went.

They finally reached a room and entered. It was the main lab of the complex which housed the rest of Arden's precious research. Sheppard walked to the back of the room to look out of the bisecting hallway.

"Alarm off," said Arden as he keyed in some commands on a computer.

The alarm which had been blaring over the top of their conversation ceased and Sheppard finally let out the breath he hadn't realised he had been holding.

"Rodney, you got your gun?" asked Sheppard noting that Mckay had slipped it back into its holster the minute the audible noise had dissipated.

Mckay wrestled it free again and held it up.

"You keep that pointed at Arden there. Don't let him out of your sight."

"What? Why? Where are you going?" Mckay said, his words all joining together.

"I'm going to lay some charges around the exterior halls. I'm also going to locate the darts and make sure they're taken out too."

"But," Mckay walked over to Sheppard and lowered his voice, "What if he tries to get away?"

Sheppard didn't have time for conversation, "You pull the trigger. I'm sure Arden won't try anything."

Arden behind them shook his head.

"See if you can get any information off these computers," he went to leave, "Oh and watch out for any rogue wraith. I won't be long."

"Okay, fine," said Mckay, "I'll just watch the old guy, pull off some information whilst keeping my _third_ eye open for a wraith."

"I won't be long and in all likelihood the other wraith have scattered."

"Sheppard."

"Mckay. I trust you to take care of yourself. I won't be long." Sheppard ran back to the hallway they had come from and as he set up charges he contacted Lorne again, "Lorne, I'm going to need you to get one of your men to come back to the complex. The central lab. I'm having to leave Mckay on his own."

"_Got a guy not too far. I'll redirect him."_

"Good."

--------------------

"Right, Arden," said Mckay as he walked over to one of the computers, "I'm an ace shot with one of these so I wouldn't go making any sudden moves, because…..you know…I could just accidentally take your knee cap off." He kept the gun trained up, whilst he tried to type with one hand. He managed to access a main menu and scan his way through various information. It would have been better if he could read the information though. It was all in an unfamiliar code he would have to break.

"I had to pick a side."

Mckay looked up from the work station to see that Arden was pacing back and forth nervously.

"Sorry?"

"The wraith are going to win. It's only a matter of time and I had to pick a side."

Mckay watched him for a minute. He was getting nervous himself with Arden's constant fidgeting. He looked around, pulled up a stool and indicated to Arden, "Sit."

Arden complied tiredly.

"The wraith aren't interested in keeping you alive for anything other than their further preservation," said Mckay typing in commands and viewing the information critically, "You know that right?"

"They are only trying to survive," said Arden.

"They killed your family," said Mckay extracting a file and breaking down its components.

"Yes," said Arden unhappily.

Mckay kept back his acidic remark, "Your computers aren't heavily safe guarded against hackers are they?"

"Not many people come in here."

"No," said Mckay, "No, I guess they don't. Not unless they're going to be.." he swallowed, "Lunch. Which I _really_ don't want to think about right now."

There was a sudden banging in the distance which made him look up and gulp.

"Do you hear that?"

-------------

Sheppard had laid six charges around the exterior hallways around the lab and had stumbled across his first problem.

A sealed door which was refusing to budge.

He shot out the control on the wall and watched as it fizzed and the door slid open a crack.

"_Colonel, did you hear that sound?"_

"Yes Mckay, it was me. I've reached some sealed doors in the rear section of the complex."

"_Oh, okay. Right."_

"You okay?" asked Sheppard as he clipped his P90 onto his vest and then forced his fingers into the crack in the door. He managed to squeeze it open another inch or so.

"_Me, I'm fine. Arden's fine. We're great."_

Sheppard knew that Mckay wasn't fine and that was why he was trying to be as quick as possible. He hated leaving him on his own but at the moment he had no other choice.

The door moved under his strength and eventually there was a crack big enough to slip through.

He edged in, pulled his P90 back round into position and gave a low whistle as he saw the size of the hangar he was in. Sitting in the middle were two darts.

"I've found our ships," said Sheppard gleefully, "I'll be back soon."

He waited for the response.

"Rodney?"

_--------------------------_

"_Rodney?"_

Mckay had just been about to respond when he felt something smash into the side of his face. He spat blood as he fell to the ground, the gun jumping from his grasp and sliding across the floor and out of his reach.

His earpiece was on the floor somewhere and he could hear Sheppard calling out for him.

"Shep-" he managed to choke out the word before Arden was hitting him across the back with the stool.

Mckay crumpled, his back flaring in agony and the pain forcing his breath out in redundant gasps.

Arden dropped the stool with a clatter and stepped over Mckay to retrieve the gun.

"I thought you were tired," Mckay managed to strangle out around the pain.

Arden examined the gun, "How does this work?"

"Doctor Mckay?"

Lt Fletcher entered the room with his gun drawn.

"Oh thank god," said Mckay closing his eyes as he heard the sound of gun fire over his head.

He heard the sound of a body dropping to the ground near him and he let himself slip into a brief darkness.

---------------------------

As Sheppard laid his remaining charges around the darts he depressed his earpiece.

"Lorne, I'm going to blow the charges at the back of the building."

"_You sure you'll be okay in there if you set them off?"_

It wasn't a criticism on Lorne's part, it was merely concern. "They're well contained so they'll take out the rear of the building but not the front. There's a long hallway which connects the two areas of the complex so it'll be isolated. When they're done and we're out we can blow the front end."

"_Yes sir. Have you seen Fletcher in there? I can't reach him on his radio."_

"I can't reach Rodney either," said Sheppard setting the timer on his charge for five minutes. Enough time for him to get out and reach the front of the complex before the charges went off. "But I'm on my way back now. How's it going your end?"

"_We got seven. Ronon's after number eight. We're still missing two. You seen them?"_

"No. But we need to find them before we leave here. I don't want to take the chance that those wraith get back to tell the others what they've learnt."

"_Yes Sir."_

"Keep in touch."

Sheppard was sprinting to the door when a figure blocked his path. He was holding Mckay's side arm up with steady hands. The old man wasn't as old as he was making out.

"Stop your bombs."

Sheppard stopped "You have got to be kidding me." He turned slowly, his hands never leaving his weapon, "Where's Rodney?"

"Doctor Mckay is back in the lab. Turn your bomb off."

Sheppard raised his P90 but a bullet fired near his foot stopped him swiftly, "I can't do that." He put his hands up to show that he wouldn't be making a move like that again.

"Find a way," Arden was pointing the gun in front of him.

"We have less than four minutes to get away from this hangar."

"I can't let you destroy the only thing of importance I have worked on in a long time."

"_I _can't let _you_ destroy the only thing of importance _I_ have worked on in a long time either."

"Please."

Sheppard edged forward, catching a glint of something to his right as he moved.

"Three minutes and thirty seconds Arden," said Sheppard.

"Turn it off!" screamed Arden.

Again, something moved and this time Sheppard turned towards it. His brain was sluggish to connect with the reality of events and he watched in slow motion as a wraith jumped down from the dart, tackling him to the ground.

Sheppard landed in a tangle, furiously trying to get a hold on his weapon as the wraith struck him across the face.

Arden was stepping over to them, gun hand waving madly as he approached.

The wraith was on top of Sheppard, holding him down with a strong hand. It wrapped around his neck with the intent to keep him immobile.

Arden rushed over to the wraith and gripped it by the shoulder, "Stop, he needs to stop the bomb."

The wraith whirled round and used his free hand to grip Arden by the neck. He squeezed tightly until the mans face turned a dark shade of red and spoke in a voice dripping with venom, "You betrayed us," it said.

"I…..they….forced me," Arden managed to strain out, "No…choice."

The wraith considered his words, decided he didn't believe him, and tossed him backwards against the side of the dart. His old body struck the side of the ship and flopped down to the ground.

The wraith turned back to Sheppard, who had managed to relinquish his side arm whilst the wraith was distracted and fired upwards until the wraith fell off him.

He checked his watch and realised he only had minutes before the charges would detonate.

Arden was stirring on the ground and as the wraith writhed on the floor for the duration Sheppard marched over to him, "Come on, get up."

Arden was gripping his chest, "I think he broke my ribs," he muttered. Blood coloured his lips as he spoke.

Sheppard hauled him up into a sitting position and attempted to get the man to his feet.

"Come on before-"

The wraith struck him from behind and he sprawled to the floor with a curse. He rolled onto his back and looked up just in time to see Arden's face contort into fear as the wraith plunged his hand down onto his chest.

Sheppard scrambled up to his feet, sprinting to the door, and waiting for the inevitable bang. He'd just slipped through the door when he heard the explosion and knew instantly that he was too close to avoid harm.

TBC


	19. Chapter 19

The impact of the bombs blast, buffeted him forward and into a wall. His head connected hard and he slipped down to the ground and into darkness in one fluid motion. He must have only been unconscious for a few minutes because when he opened his eyes, lying flat on his back, he could see bits of debris and ash floating down towards him. It was the final and familiar settling stages in the aftermath of explosion.

What always occurred to him as strange, was the silence after a bomb exploded. It was like the resulting ripple took away all sound and left in its wake an overwhelming stillness.

A vacuum.

Sheppard blinked, waiting for the ringing in his ears to settle, as he watched floating ash.

---------------

Mckay had been awakened by the explosion. Its vibrations under the ground had reached him and pulled him from the darkness.

He could taste blood in his mouth and even with his eyes closed he could feel a fuzziness saturate him.

When he did open his eyes he gasped and tried to move away from the penetrating eyes staring at him. Lt Fletcher was lying lifelessly on the floor opposite him; blood had tainted his uniform and the floor, leaving Mckay to reach the obvious conclusion that he was dead. He fought his gag reflex as guilt spread through him like a virus. He had succumbed to unconsciousness thinking he had been safe and now he had contributed to this young mans death. If he'd been awake and coherent he might have been able to prevent this horrible ending.

His mind raced and he slowly edged himself up onto his knees, ignoring his backs protests of pain.

Arden had gone.

"Sheppard."

-----------------

Sheppard attempted to move against a burning tenderness in his side. It pulsed and seemed to migrate upwards and into his chest but he sat up regardless, panting with the effort. Spent muscles ached, telling him in short bursts of pain of the abuse they had suffered. He was breathing heavily, he knew that, and he was letting out little groans of pain as he moved, but he couldn't hear it.

He looked over to the door which had blown outwards with the force of the explosions. Behind it the room was a wreck and still burning. Shouldn't he be-able to hear the fire crackling?

Pieces of debris and ceiling were still falling, probably making a loud noise as accompaniment to that phantom crackling fire, but Sheppard couldn't hear that either.

He got to his feet shakily, reaching for the wall when he stumbled against a wave of genuine dizziness. This wasn't the result of a panic attack, it was the result of real injury this time and he knew it. He wasn't bleeding from anywhere on his body so he knew it was internal aches and pains.

He reached up to his ears as if he could somehow magically make himself hear, and bought his fingers away sticky and red.

He gripped the wall and moved forward unsteadily. He weakly stopped and leant against the wall, closing his eyes in the hope it would make his auditory senses stronger.

It wasn't working like he hoped.

Two hands touching his shoulders had him startled and he straightened up against the wall as he snapped his eyes open.

"Rodney!" he said. He couldn't hear his voice, but from the grimace on Mckay's face, he knew he should turn the volume down a little.

Mckay's mouth moved rapidly, his hands gesticulating wildly, his eyes darting left and right as he spoke. Then he stopped abruptly and stared at Sheppard. His mouth formed one word which looked like '_well?_'

He strained to make sense of Mckay's ramble but still all he could hear was the intermittent ringing in his head.

Tinnitus. He knew all too well the problems with being too close to an explosion. Now he had first hand experience.

Mckay seemed to notice the blood trickling from Sheppard's ears and gave him a quizzical look.

His mouth moved again.

"I can't hear you," said Sheppard loudly. He wasn't in the mood to be considerate about his voice level. By now he was in a foul mood and he just wanted this whole episode to be over.

Mckay rolled his eyes but still couldn't remove the veneer of concern. He lowered Sheppard down to a sitting position and crouched beside him. He continued to speak even though Sheppard couldn't hear him. It was starting to get frustrating.

After a minute Mckay pointed to his earpiece and then pointed to Sheppard's. He didn't understand what he was getting at until Mckay again made a dramatic facial expression and tapped his own earpiece. He stood up and again his mouth moved at light speed.

--------------------

"Major Lorne this is Doctor Mckay. Sheppard can't answer you right now because he's deaf."

"_I'm .……sorry?"_

"I think he was too close to that blast or something. He can't hear a thing and he has blood coming out of his ears."

"_Other than that, you two okay?"_

"Yes, I think so," said Mckay arching his bruised back.

"Arden and another wraith are dead," Sheppard shouted from the floor. He didn't seem to be aware of his voice levels and it occurred to Mckay suddenly that he should probably shut the man up or he was going to give their position away. "Tell him-"

Mckay put his hand up to stall the loud Colonel.

"You hear that?"

"_Yeah, I think people on **Atlantis** heard that_," said Lorne with a wince, _"Does he know he's speaking so loud?"_

"Obviously not," said Mckay, "So what do we do now?"  
_"I'm coming in to get you guys out and set the last charges."_

"Oh good. I'll just wait here then shall I?"

"_If you could kindly stay put it would help. Lorne out."_

Mckay walked back to Sheppard and crouched down in front of him, "Lorne said-" he sighed, "Oh why am I even bothering. You can't hear me."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes and shrugged, "I can't hear you."

"I know," said Mckay. He realised he was engaging in pointless conversation again, "I could say anything right now and you wouldn't have the faintest idea." Mckay mock smiled as he spoke.

Again, Sheppard was trying to read his lips, but it was unsuccessful and his eyebrows merely knitted together in a look of defeat.

"I could tell you that I thought your hair looks stupid, or that _I'm_ the one that keeps eating the last turkey sandwiches and-"

Sheppard groaned loudly and went to stand.

"Where are you……." Mckay stopped Sheppard and tried to ask his question. Mouthing the words very slowly he said, "What…are…you…..doing?"

Sheppard watched his mouth move. He had no idea what he was saying.

"What…are…..you….doing?" Mckay attempted to mime the question to little effect.

Sheppard straightened up and put his hands on his hips, "I'm going back to the main lab to set off the charges." He paused as Mckay covered his ears, "A little loud. I'm sorry."

------------

Lorne entered the main lab whilst the rest of his men, and Teyla, were waiting at the entrance in his stead.

When he saw Fletcher lying on the floor he ran over to him, checked his pulse, and then took a brief moment to steady himself. Another member of the military was dead and bleeding out at his feet.

He looked up as Sheppard and Mckay stumbled into the room. Both men were sweating, pale and beaten. Mckay was hunched over in a gait that told his back was giving him discomfort and Sheppard had blood running down the side of his neck.

"Lorne," he said loudly and then cast his eyes down to Fletcher's body. His eyes flickered with anger. He turned to Mckay to convey that he should have known about this incident but it proved ineffectual.

"Doctor Mckay, Sir?"

"I can't hear," said Sheppard. He was getting sick of explaining his current predicament and waved a hand dismissively.

"He knows," said Mckay turning to him. He sighed in frustration and turned to Lorne, "I've got to stop talking to him."

"You two should get out, I'll set up a remote detonator and we'll blow it from outside."

"I'll set up a remote detonator," said Sheppard walking over to one of the lumps of C4 he had positioned before and pushed in the electrical transmitter which in turn could be detonated by a remote, "You two should go outside."

Lorne shared a look with Mckay.

"Sheppard," said Mckay approaching the man carefully. He had his back to him and he didn't want to startle him and have him inadvertently blow them up prematurely.

"I've set up the other C4 with blasting caps so when this goes it will all go."

He watched as Mckay and Lorne had a short exchange and found his frustration peaked at the fact he couldn't hear them.

"Blasting caps?" asked Mckay.

"Heat sensitive. This main block of C4 will generate enough heat to set off the others," explained Lorne.

"I'll finish this up and follow you out," shouted Sheppard.

Again Lorne and Mckay winced.

Lorne was pulling out a mini palm pilot from his back pocket and penned something onto the screen before thrusting it under Sheppard's nose. It read: _Let me finish up._

Sheppard pushed the palm pilot away, "I can do this. You two get out of here."

Once more he read Lorne's message: _You're in no condition._

Sheppard grunted, "I may not be able to hear but I can still set up an explosive." He looked over to Mckay who was leaning against the wall with a pained expression on his face, "You should worry about him."

_Beckett will have my hide if I don't get you out here._

"Beckett isn't here. I can do this. I _need_ to do this. Don't make me make this an order Major."

"Okay," said Lorne nodding, "Doctor Mckay, you're with me."

"We can't just leave him," said Mckay. Sheppard had his back to him again as he finalised the tricky process.

"Colonel Sheppard has instructed us to go."

"You know, I'll never understand this whole '_order_' crap. You follow them blindly without even thinking about-" he paused, "You're all idiots."

"Thank you Doctor Mckay. And by _idiot_, I hope you mean, the guy that's saved your ass on more than one occasion."

"You spend too much time with him," said Mckay hooking a thumb back at Sheppard.

Mckay glanced over to Sheppard one last time before grabbing the palm pilot and angrily typing a message. He put it down next to Sheppard and then left with Lorne.

Sheppard read the message as he worked and chuckled. It read: _Hurry up you idiot_.

As Sheppard continued to work, he didn't hear the footsteps approaching him from behind and it was too late before he felt the knife on the back of his tac vest being pulled free.

"Shit," he murmured into his own private silence.

TBC


	20. Chapter 20

The hallways had grown considerably darker since the last time Mckay ambled down them. More to the point, they seemed to have increased in creepiness as well.

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Mckay as he walked behind Lorne. Lorne had been surprisingly quiet since discovering the body of Lt Fletcher.

"Colonel Sheppard won't be long," he ground out in the semi-darkness.

"That's what he said before and _then_ he turned up deaf. Who knows what he's got up to in the nanosecond we left him alone."

Lorne stopped, turned slowly and examined Mckay with a raised eyebrow. The scientist had one hand pressed to his back and he was sweating. "Are you okay Doctor Mckay?"

"Me, yes I'm fine, aside from probably walking around with a broken back. It's Sheppard you should be worried about."

"Strange. That's the same thing he said about you."

Mckay's face was stuck in an expression of concentration. He looked up, eyes shining brightly, and then turned on his heel having made his decision.

"What are you doing?" questioned Lorne.

"I _know_ Sheppard. He wants to do this to prove he's okay but he really isn't."

"He looked capable to me," said Lorne, "He'll be following us out shortly."

"That's what you keep saying but surely he would be out by now. How long does it take to stick a bit of wire in some putty?"

Lorne looked thoughtful for a minute.

"If you're worrying about going against his orders, don't. I never listen to him."

"It's kind of different in the military Doctor Mckay."

"Well he never listens to anyone in the military."

Lorne tightened his grip on his P90. He wished he could simply activate his radio and contact Sheppard, but his hearing deficiency prevented that.

Mckay was right, he _had_ been too long.

"I don't particularly trust his judgement at the moment."

Lorne started to walk back in the direction of the main lab, "Okay."

"So we're going back for him?"

"He'll have my ass for this you realise," said Lorne as he passed by him.

------------------

As they weaved through the corridors and approached the main lab Mckay didn't know what they would find. He didn't know if it was the product of an overactive imagination, or the result of a concussion, but he just had the feeling that something wasn't right. Leaving Sheppard when he was deaf and unaware of his surroundings had been senseless. Lorne's resoluteness of going against Sheppard, out of rank respect, or out of the fear that dissuading him would in some way regress him back to his panic attack stage, was equally idiotic.

He had visions of finding Sheppard curled up and passed out on the floor, or gushing blood from his ears and finding out later it wasn't the result of the blast but his brain leaking out.

When they re-entered the main lab, he was surprised and somewhat irritated to find Sheppard striding towards them purposefully and re-holstering his sidearm.

"What happened?" asked Mckay. He looked passed him and saw a wraith lying on the ground. His black blood was tainting the floor and mixing with Fletchers drying blood.

Sheppard seemed to understand the gist of what he was saying and walked past him, "That's number ten," he said, "Come on lets get out of here."

Lorne and Mckay exchanged glances before following him out of the building.

Sheppard continued passed his men and nearly walked into Teyla.

"Colonel?"

Mckay and Lorne exited the building and before Teyla could ask, Mckay put up a hand and said, "He's lost his hearing."

"How?" she asked falling into step next to him.

"Explosion. Too close," muttered Mckay. He stopped briefly and arched his back again.

"Are you injured Doctor Mckay?"

"Wrenched my back," said Mckay sucking in a deep breath. He saw that she was watching him closely and tried to look nonchalant, "I'll be fine."

As he walked passed Teyla she rolled her eyes and looked over to Ronon, "He is starting to sound like the Colonel."

They moved up the hill quickly and silently.

When they reached the top Sheppard became aware of how cold it was. His breath came out in a mist through his chattering teeth.

Sheppard handed Lorne the detonator with a shaky hand. Lorne didn't miss it.

"Okay," said Lorne, "Say goodbye to the creepy complex."

There was a brief pause before he hit the button. Almost instantaneously they felt an initial rumble, vibrations shook the trees around the complex and finally they watched as the night sky was ignited with the flames of a thunderous explosion. Some of the soldiers covered their eyes against the glare, whilst Sheppard watched in morbid fascination.

It was finally over.

The threat to Atlantis had been well and truly eliminated.

The complex crumbled before their eyes, falling to the ground in a haze of dust and raining debris. The crater it was sitting in extended outwards, the earth scorched black and signifying the end.

-------------------

The walk back to the gate was made in contemplative silence. Sheppard had insisted that he take their six, but he was straggling way behind the group. Mckay noticed that even in the dark Sheppard looked uncharacteristically pale. Beads of sweat were rolling down the side of his face and his arm was pressed unnaturally close to his side. Mckay wondered if he had managed to re-injure his shoulder earlier.

Sheppard staggered, regained his footing and continued without commenting on his missed footfall.

"Is he okay?" asked Teyla.

Mckay carefully negotiated the bumps in the field, training his flashlight forward. It cut through the darkness ahead and picked up the soldiers in front of him, "I don't know. I'd ask him but he can't hear a thing."

"Perhaps I should take up a position to the rear," suggested Teyla.

She dropped back and walked beside the Colonel for a while.

The urge to talk to him was overwhelming, even in the knowledge that he wouldn't hear her, and she found it frustrating that she could not establish whether he was feeling okay. His balance was definitely off and the next time he fell, fingers groping out for the ground, she caught him by the elbow and managed to steady him. He shook her off, mumbled a thank you and walked on, arm still against his side.

Mckay looked back again and her flashlight caught the expression on his face. He was concerned.

Sheppard was looking ahead, eyes fixed but looking glassier by the minute. She couldn't tell if it was the result of his ear injuries or whether he was maybe having a panic attack.

He stumbled again and muttered a faint expletive before righting himself.

Mckay fell into step with them, now both of them were beside him.

"Is he okay?" asked Mckay directing the comment behind Sheppard's back so he wouldn't see his lips moving.

"He appears to be unwell," said Teyla equally concerned at having her lips noticed by Sheppard.

A few paces later and Ronon fell back to walk with them. He took up a position behind Sheppard, walking deliberately close.

Mckay shared a look with Ronon and he shrugged, "In case he falls," his deep voice rumbled.

"Perhaps we should make him rest," suggested Mckay.

"The gate isn't too far," said Teyla, "It would be better if we got him back to Doctor Beckett as quickly as possible."

Mckay gave a sideways glance over to Sheppard and grimaced when he saw the dried blood by his ears.

"Yeah, Beckett will know what to do."

Sheppard went down again; Ronon grabbed him by the back of his tac vest and pulled him back up to his feet. Sheppard through an irritated look over his shoulder and readjusted his vest to sit comfortably. He quickened his pace to walk ahead of them, oblivious to their concern, oblivious to their conversation.

They reached the gate without incident and Lorne dialled up and sent through his IDC.

---------------

When Sheppard stepped through the gate he finally felt his forced composure wane. His aching muscles and the dizziness in his head seemed to reach its pinnacle. He took in a pained breath and tried to keep it together long enough for them to establish that their objective had been reached.

Elizabeth was descending the steps at a frustratingly slow pace.

The silence was crippling. He could see Elizabeth's face contort into sadness when Lorne obviously informed her of Lt Fletcher's death. Her eyes scanned the rest of the team to ensure they were well and in one piece and finally her eyes rested on him. He watched as Mckay and Lorne crowded her, their eyes flicking over to him now and again, their mouths moving slowly as they spoke.

Sheppard kept his arm to his side and continued his private battle to stay upright.

He saw Elizabeth reach up to her earpiece; obviously they were calling for Beckett.

She approached him hesitantly, seemed to be looking him up and down as she went, and she gave his shoulder a brief squeeze.

He read her lips as she told him he'd be okay.

"I'm fine," he said and she reached up to cover her ear.

"Sorry," he muttered. The effort of forcing that last word out was the final straw.

It was too hard. Everything came crashing down in one instant and he was pitching forward before he could stop himself. He felt hands tug at him as they laid him down on the gate room floor, faces worriedly hovered over him and he stared up at the ceiling as a barrage of activity happened around him.

He was lost in his own silence, but by now he knew what their conversation would revolve around.

Elizabeth kept her hand on Sheppard's shoulder and she wanted nothing more to tell him he was okay as he lay there, eyes open unseeingly.

When she had sought him out through the other uniforms she had seen the paleness of his features and the way he was listing to one side. The blood on the side of his neck had worried her, as had his glassy eyes. When he spoke loudly, she had heard the faint slur in his words and sensed something was wrong. There was also something about the way he was holding himself.

When he finally collapsed, his hand fell away from his side and she gasped when she saw the blood spilling onto the floor.

The material of his t-shirt was soaked through and as she retracted her hand and saw the blood coating her fingers she called out, "We need Beckett here now!"

Sheppard's face was getting paler, his breathing was slowing and he made one final effort to speak before he passed out.

TBC


	21. Chapter 21

As Sheppard was moved from the gurney and onto a hospital bed he was jarred from unconsciousness in a wave of pain. His eyelids fluttered and he let out an audible groan which alerted Beckett to his awakened state.

A penlight was immediately pointed into his eyes and he swatted it away weakly.

Beckett appeared over his head, his face a mask of concern, his lips moving but the sound not forthcoming.

An oxygen mask was being secured over his mouth and he tried to push it off with a hand which felt like rubber. Beckett was batting away his fingers and he gently restrained his arm whilst trying to convey with his eyes that he would be okay.

A cough shook his body and he could taste something coppery as it slipped down his throat. The sensation elicited another cough and when Beckett pulled back his oxygen mask he could see the inside of it was tinged with his blood. His eyes widened in suppressed panic.

There were hands touching him but he couldn't see who they belonged to, there was pressure on his side, pinches on the top of his hand and suddenly a wave of oxygen from the mask sent stars to his eyes as he dragged it in.

He tried to keep his eyes open but he was fighting a losing battle. The effort was proving too much and as Beckett's face hovered over his, his expression growing more worrisome, he fell back into the blackness.

---------------

The corridor outside the infirmary was crammed. Ronon, Teyla, Mckay, Elizabeth, Lorne and some of his own men all paced the small space as they waited for news. Mckay kept poking his head into the infirmary and then retracting it after a bark from one of the nurses and Elizabeth was beginning to wonder if she would have to put a leash on the man. She could see that he was full of restless energy and the fact that he himself should be lying in his own infirmary bed was weighing heavily on her mind.

She leaned against the wall and dropped her head back onto it with a sigh, "So you got them all?" she asked wearily.

Lorne, who was leaning beside her in the same stance, cracked one tired eye open and nodded, "Every last one. The complex was burned to the ground."

"Good," she said giving him a sidelong glance, "I just wish we could have asked Arden a few more questions about these experiments."

"I don't think our friend Arden was ever going to be fully cooperative."

"I guess not," she admitted, "I just hope we've put an end to it. Who's to say there weren't others helping him."

Lorne was silent.

"And you had no idea about-"  
Lorne cut her off before she could finish, "If I had he wouldn't have been walking through that gate. I would have made Ronon carry him."

"I just wish he would _stop_ doing this," she said pushing herself off the wall.

"What's that?" asked Lorne digging his hands into his pockets.

"Playing down his injuries," she said sweeping a hand through her hair, "Time and time again he turns up like this. He'd rather collapse in the gate room than be bought through on a gurney."

Lorne looked over to the rest of the team before closing the distance and speaking quietly, "Its ingrained within him to protect his team. I'm sorry to tell you, but I'd probably do the same."

Elizabeth tilted her head to the side, "So I'll have to nag you too then?"

Lorne smiled softly, the corners of his eyes creasing, "Of course, I'd at least _tell_ someone about my injury even if I did walk through under my own steam."

"Are all you military types this stubborn?"

Lorne chuckled.

"Thank you. You should get some rest. Good work today."

Lorne gave her a pat on the arm before heading off, "Make sure you get some rest too. Let me know if there's any news on Colonel Stubborn."

As he walked off, the rest of his men followed, throwing glances over their shoulders and chatting soberly as they disappeared around the corner.

She was alerted back to reality when there was a faint bump and she turned round to see that Mckay was sitting on the floor of the hallway. He had closed his eyes.

Teyla knelt down beside him and when she put her hand on his knee his eyes snapped open and his mouth curved into a scowl, "I'm fine."

"You should be in the infirmary," said Teyla indicating to the stitches and bruising on his face.

"Rodney, you're no good to anyone if you exhaust yourself," said Elizabeth.

"You should sleep," offered Ronon.

Mckay looked up at the three of them huddled over him, crowding him and he snorted derisively, "Sleep? I can't sleep at a time like this. I might not be there when he wakes and I want to be there so I can tell him how much of an idiot he is."

"You're not well," said Teyla still crouching beside him.

"Fine," said Mckay getting to his feet stiffly, "I'll go back to my infirmary bed, and I'll lie there awake listening to the sounds coming from the other room where they are no doubt trying to bring Sheppard back from the dead. I'm sure I'll sleep just _fine_ listening to the comforting sounds of a defibrillator charging and the soothing sounds of heart compressions," exasperated he leant against the wall and sighed, "How long has it been?"

"Four hours," said Elizabeth and Teyla simultaneously.

"I _need_ coffee," said Mckay.

"You _need_ rest," said Ronon crossing his arms over his chest.

Mckay looked up at the taller man, shook his head and resumed his rant, "He didn't tell us he was injured. We walked for miles and he was bleeding out and he didn't tell us."

"The Colonel likes to make sure we all get through the gate," said Teyla.

"At the expense of his own health?" considered Mckay, "He could have died on that walk back and then what?"

"Calm down," said Elizabeth.

"No I will _not_ calm down," shouted Mckay, "I _want_ to talk to him and I _want_ to know why he thinks he can just-"

He stopped talking when he saw Beckett come out of the infirmary, "Well?" he questioned taking a step forward.

Beckett rubbed his eyes and regarded the group in turn before talking, "I've stopped the bleeding. Luckily the knife didn't penetrate any major organs and the wound was pretty clean. He lost quite a bit of blood but he's had a transfusion so hopefully, fingers crossed, he'll be okay. Other than that he's perforated his eardrums so he's going to have a four to six week wait before he'll regain his hearing."

"So he's really okay?" asked Mckay.

"He'll feel pretty rough for a while but he's come through the worst of it. Rodney, you should be in bed."

"Is he awake?" asked Teyla and Mckay was glad that she had taken the focus away from him. Even if it would only be for another minute or so.

"No, not for a while longer."

"Thank you Carson," said Elizabeth.

"Just doing my job. Rodney, bed."

Mckay dropped his head in submission and allowed himself to be directed back into the infirmary as the others left for their own beds.

Sheppard's bed was curtained off but before popping back into his own bed Mckay had a quick peak.

Sheppard was lying on the bed hooked up to various monitors and looked as pale as the sheets he was lying on. His chest raised and fell at a slow relaxed rate and his face looked relatively peaceful despite all of the trauma he had experienced over the past few weeks.

"He'll be okay," said Beckett encouraging him over to his own bed.

--------------------------

Before he had even opened his eyes he felt the bile rise in his throat and knew instantly he was going to throw up. He clawed himself up on the bed railing and sluggishly pushed his head over it and heaved. He heard the splat as his vomit hit the floor and groaned, keeping his head on the railing and panting heavily.

Hands gently placed him back on the bed and he looked up to see one of the nurses frowning as she avoided his mess. He crept his eyes open, feeling pale and lethargic and watched as the nurse started to mop it up.

"Sorry," he managed to slur.

She looked up at him, said something he obviously couldn't hear, and continued with her job. Being deaf had its disadvantages as his olfactory senses were at optimum and the smell was beginning to churn his insides again. He was about to lean forward for round two when a basin was thrust into his hands and he managed a grateful smile before retching.

He held it against his chest as his bed was raised by the nurse and dropped back onto his pillow feeling sweat dribble down the side of his face.

Beckett pulled aside the curtain and looked over to the nurse and then to Sheppard.

He pulled a pad of paper out of his lab coat pocket and proceeded to write something down. He presented it to Sheppard.

_Nausea is to be expected. Anaesthetic._

Sheppard nodded weakly and held out the bowl to him. Beckett made a face as if to say 'just what I always wanted' and gave it to the nurse as she left with the mop.

_How are you feeling? _

"Wish I could hear," he muttered and sank further into his bedding.

_Any pain?_

"No," he managed as he felt sleep tug at him, "Pain meds good."

_You were very lucky. _

"Don't feel lucky."

_Get some rest Colonel. Talk later._

As he read those last words they blurred into one and he dropped off.

-----------------

When Beckett came out of the curtained off area he saw Mckay was sitting up in his bed with his arms crossed.

"What's wrong Rodney?"

"I don't want my lunch," said Mckay pushing the tray of food further way from him, "I presume that splat was-" He fought his own gag reflex and eyed his yellowy soup with disgust, "Just take it away would you?"

Beckett sighed and removed it from the end of the bed.

"He was awake then?"

"Briefly."

"Did he say anything? I couldn't quite eavesdrop from this distance."

"He was still pretty out of it."

"Oh okay."

"He'll wake up again later and when he does I'll let you see him."

"Cant I just sit with him now?" he asked already scooting to the edge of the bed.

"Just for a bit." Beckett smiled and while one hand balanced the tray, picked up the sandwich on it. The tray was suddenly pulled from his hands and the sandwich taken from his grasp.

"Well, I'll need to eat if I'm going to be at his vigil."

"But I thought-"  
Mckay disappeared behind the curtain and shouted, "Get your own sandwich."

-------------------------

Sheppard rolled over and hissed through his teeth when his stitches pulled. He opened his eyes expecting to be pounced on by Beckett but was somewhat relieved when he realised he wasn't destined for that fate. He dragged his eyes over to Mckay who was sleeping in the chair next to his bed, his chin resting on his chest.

Moving incredibly slowly and as stealthily as he could manage, he pulled the covers aside and hooked his legs over the edge of the bed. He was in desperate need of the toilet and there was no way he was going to go in a bed pan. He'd suffered that humiliation enough times already and this time he was going to go it alone.

He'd just expertly pulled out his IV line and his foot had barely touched the floor before he felt a tap on his shoulder. He jumped, pulled his side and bit back the yelp which threatened.

Mckay held a hand up, reached into his pocket, pulled out his palm pilot and started typing on it.

Sheppard was beginning to get sick of reading notes.

_Where are you going?_

"Toilet," said Sheppard making sure to keep his voice low. Of course, he had no idea how low it had been.

Mckay chewed on his lip and looked him up and down. He quickly typed another message and held it up.

_I'll get Beckett._

"No," Sheppard said swaying tiredly, "No, I don't need Beckett's assistance. Please, I'll be in and out in less than five minutes."

Mckay knew all too well the bed pan experience. He slid his eyes over into the main infirmary where it was sounding quiet and then sighed.

He typed. _Okay, but hurry up._

Sheppard smiled, "Thanks buddy," slid off the edge of the bed, and padded towards the infirmary's bathroom.

He entered the bathroom cautiously as if expecting Beckett to pop out from around one of the stalls and threaten him with a big needle. He knew the Doctor would be mad at him, but for weeks he had been struggling to regain his independence and if going to the bathroom on his own was the only bit of freedom he could get, he was going to take it.

He took care of business, the motion of standing making him woozy, and then walked unsteadily over to the basins to wash his hands.

Whilst he was washing he suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of dizziness wash over him, taking away his energy and causing him to lean forward to reassert some control. He felt it slipping away from him as he breathed in short pants. He blinked a few times to clear his vision but stars were dancing in his eyes. He realised with a sinking feeling that he was having another panic attack.

He'd assumed they were over, that the time away from his room and the successful mission had vanquished them once and for all, but here he was gripping the sink with white knuckles and feeling as though he was breathing through a straw. He hit the sink in frustration and tried to focus on the breathing exercises he had been taught.

He was vaguely aware of the door opening and Beckett stepping in with one of the other Doctors but he was finding the fact he couldn't hear disorienting enough.

He turned to them and attempted to focus.

Beckett and Doctor Levan both grabbed one of his arms.

He pushed both of them off and took a step back. He was on the verge of hyperventilating and he didn't know how much longer he could stay standing.

"Please, just let me get through this," he said, forcing the words out of his constricted throat.

Doctor Levan grabbed him by the arm again, "Go away," he begged. Another grasp at him and before he could stop himself, he lashed out, striking Levan across the face. He didn't have time to feel remorseful, the room was spinning and his panic was spiralling beyond his control.

He was losing it.

Beckett was uncapping a syringe from his pocket and approaching him with a calm expression on his face.

Sheppard knew what it was and the last thing he wanted was a sedative.

He shrank back against the wall, "Please just go."

Beckett looked reproachful as he advanced on Sheppard.

Sheppard looked down to see that his scrubs top was stained with blood. He'd pulled his damn stitches. Whilst he was distracted, Beckett stuck him with the needle. He looked up, eyebrowss knitted together in confusion, and managed to stagger two paces before crumpling to the floor.

TBC

_Only one more chapter and an epilogue after this._

_Please review if you're reading and thank you to all of those who have been reviewing regularly._


	22. Chapter 22

When Elizabeth entered the infirmary she was surprised to see Sheppard being positioned back on the bed. His head was lolled to the side as one of the nurses began to set up his IV line again.

"What's going on?" she asked as she looked between Beckett and Mckay for an explanation.

"Rodney let Sheppard go off to the bathroom and he had another panic attack when he was in there," said Beckett with an edge of irritation.

"So you sedated him?"

"For his own good. He hit out at Doctor Levan and pulled his stitches apart."

"It's _my_ fault?" said Mckay standing up.

"Aye and when did you get your medical degree?" asked Beckett as he tugged the covers back over Sheppard's limp body.

"Oh, so now you need a medical degree to let someone go to the toilet?" asked Mckay.

"You should use your bloody head Rodney. He shouldn't have been out of bed."

"He seemed okay and he needed to pee."

"That's' what the bedpans are for."

"The bedpans are an exercise in embarrassment. Sheppard just wanted to piss in piece."

"He shouldn't have been up. The pain meds I have been giving him would have made him weak. Any wave of dizziness he had in there, he would have instantly associated with his panic attacks."

"Well did you have to go in there needles blazing and-"

"Gentlemen," said Elizabeth putting her hands up. The two men looked over at her and had the grace to look embarrassed, "I don't understand how this happened. I thought Sheppard wasn't having any more panic attacks."

"He hasn't even had a chance to recover from them. I think whilst he went off-world they kind of went on hold but he still hasn't really dealt with them."

"This still doesn't have to mean they're back," said Mckay leaning on the bed railing and watching as Sheppard breathed steadily.

"They never went away," assured Beckett.

"So what now?" Elizabeth asked casting her eyes over to her 2IC.

"There's not much else we can do aside from treat his injuries. He's rather conveniently going to use his deafness as an excuse to avoid talking."

--------------------------

Sheppard woke up confused and his head felt woolly. He had a vague memory of being assaulted by Beckett and forced into sedated oblivion.

He was in the worst mood and the last person he wanted to see when he opened his eyes was Kate Heightmeyer.

He swallowed and stared at her, trying to decide what he could say that would make her go away. He blinked several times, hoping he looked sufficiently unwell, to warrant the excuse that he was tired. He momentarily considered ways to make himself look more pathetic and almost wished on a bout of sickness to force her away. On second thoughts, vomiting in her vicinity hadn't made her go away before, it probably wasn't going to work now. He reached out for his water and before he could stop her she was out of her seat, her hands moving for the glass.

"I can get it," he said still not used to not hearing his voice.

She sat back down and watched as he reached out, his fingers grazed the glass, it slipped and then shattered on the floor. Sheppard groaned and sank back onto his pillow.

The next thing he knew, Beckett was walking up to him and looking down at the mess he had made with his hands on his hips.

Heightmeyer disappeared to get a mop and a dustpan and brush whilst Beckett made a series of checks on Sheppard. He checked his vision, had a look inside his ears to check their recovery and pulled up his scrubs top to check his wound. Sheppard tried to be as uncooperative as possible, sulking and sighing with every procedure.

"You _drugged_ me," Sheppard said shrinking back into the covers. He hoped he had managed to get enough incredulity into his voice.

Beckett met his eyes and nodded before digging out his pad of paper.

He wrote: _You deserved it._

"What's Heightmeyer doing here?" he asked a little too loudly.

Heightmeyer appeared around the corner and began to mop up the water. Her eyes flicked over to him.

_You're due another assessment. Panic attacks, recent injuries etc._

Sheppard scowled.

_Play nice Colonel._

Sheppard grabbed the pad out of Beckett's hands and scrawled down his own note. His fingers felt like rubber and the end product was more like a child had written it.

It read: _I don't need to be shrunk._

_Yes you do and you will._ Beckett said snatching the pen back and writing.

Sheppard repeated the move and wrote: _Make me._

_One word Colonel. Catheter._

Sheppard grimaced.

_Shame I can't hear, _he wrote back and smiled.

Beckett shook his head and finally took over from cleaning duty. He cleared up the remainder of the glass and fixed Sheppard with a look which spoke volumes before disappearing out of sight.

Heightmeyer was wiping down her hands when she sat back down. She took out her own notepad and began to write down a few things, stopping now and again as if deciding whether she had phrased everything correctly. When she presented it to Sheppard he noted how neat and precise her writing was and wondered if later on she would retrieve his notes to Beckett and analyse every line and curve to assess his true mental state.

The note read: _I do not believe you have truly dealt with the events of the past few months. Your panic attack yesterday signifies a deeper ingrained problem which may take a while to_-

Sheppard tossed the note to the end of the bed. He didn't want to read the rest.

She wrote something else down and passed it over with a grim smile: _You need to talk._

"I'm not going to let the whole infirmary know how I feel."

Heightmeyer picked up her first note, folded it carefully, and then set it aside onto the side table so he could read it when he was in a less acerbic mood.

She wrote something else down.

_I'll be back when you are willing to talk._

Sheppard read it, ignored it, and then rolled away from her. It was pointless talking to people when their responses came in slow waves of writing. Most of the time, intonation lost, he couldn't tell whether they meant something genuinely or in sarcasm. He was growing tired of constantly having to focus on their chicken scratch writing when he couldn't even focus to look around the room.

As Heightmeyer left, she passed Addison on her way in. Addison shared a look with her and then regarded Sheppard in the bed. She drew her eyebrows together and sat on the chair Heightmeyer had just vacated.

Remembering that Sheppard had said that he knew sign language she forwent the writing and went straight to hand signals.

_How are you? _She asked moving her hands expertly to convey her message.

Sheppard sat up, winced at the throb in his side, and smiled. At last, somebody who could understand that he liked things direct and to the point. He managed to coordinate his own hands to answer her. _Good. Thanks._

_Heard you had another_….She paused wondering whether he would know the sign for panic attack and decided to finger spell it instead by using the sign alphabet.

_I know. One slip, _he answered swiftly.

_You know it isn't a quick fix. The Breathing exercises._

He nodded wearily. _I'll keep trying._

_You should talk to_ …..she spelt out Heightmeyer.

_No. Monkey not._

Addison knitted her eyebrows together. _Did you mean to say Monkey?_

He looked confused. _Monkey?_ He realised his mistake and corrected it with a frustrated groan, _No, I meant **definitely** not._

_I thought so. If you want to talk-_

Sheppard pulled a face.

_Nobody can hear you now. Sign language is like a secret code. Nobody can break it._ She waggled her eyebrows.

Sheppard smiled. He was strangely tempted.

"Okay," he said out loud and then added in sign. _This doesn't go out of the drain._

_Room?_ She asked with a soft smile which threatened to become a full blown grin.

_Sorry,_ he found himself laughing, _yes room._

_So where do you want to start?_

He paused, blew out some air and looked down at his hands. He composed himself and looked her straight in the eye before signing, _At the beginning._

-------------------------------

"What are they doing?" asked Mckay as he peered into the infirmary.

Beckett had been standing there watching for quite a while now. He had been impressed by Sheppard's skill at sign language. He figured Sheppard was the kind of person who would have such an eclectic skill.

"I believe Sheppard is talking."

Mckay watched the two move their hands. Sheppard's mouth wasn't moving. "Talking?" he repeated dryly, "I don't see much of that."

"Sign language Rodney."

"I know," snorted Mckay. He apparently didn't.

"Technically he's not talking so he's probably pretty comfortable with that."

"Right."

"You okay Rodney? Not jealous?"

"No," said Mckay nonchalantly, "Why would I care?"

"Because he isn't talking to you."

"You said it yourself. He's not _really_ talking." He jutted his chin out and pouted slightly. "He's just pretending he's talking. I mean what's that hand gesture all about and-"

All of a sudden, he watched as Sheppard leant forward in the bed and steeled himself against the railing as a wave of dizziness swept over him.

Mckay pushed passed Beckett and ran over to the side of the bed where Addison had taken a stance. He gave her a look up and down before patting Sheppard on the back and saying, "What's wrong?"

Sheppard was rocking back and forth, but managed to look up as Beckett came over.

Addison was in Beckett's way and she took a step backwards.

"Yes perhaps you should move out of the way," said Mckay putting a protective hand on Sheppard's shoulder.

"Perhaps you should too," said Beckett as he tried to look into Sheppard's eyes.

"No," said Mckay abruptly, "He needs his frie-" he stumbled on the word, "He needs someone for support right now and I really think it should be a team member and not-"

"Rodney, _move_ away."

"Yeah perhaps you should step back," said Addison looking down at Sheppard.

"What is it with you people I-"

"Rodney," Beckett warned.

"You of all-" he stopped suddenly when Sheppard turned around and threw up all over his trousers.

Sheppard looked up meekly and offered him a small 'sorry' before retching again.

Beckett shook his head, "I told you to move."


	23. Chapter 23

_Very short_

EPILOGUE

Four weeks later

"Okay Sheppard, you are doing good," he muttered as he walked the long corridor to his destination, "Breathe slowly." He stopped as a member of personnel walked passed and smiled nervously. He realised that talking to himself was probably making him look like a nut job. He continued on his way, "You're really doing this."

He reached the intended doors and they swished open on his command.

The view in front of him was expansive and the most open place he could think of that morning. The ocean stretched out endlessly with the sky meeting in a crisp line. He breathed in the fresh salty air and approached the balcony without his usual hesitance.

He smiled, "You did it," he said to himself. If he could have patted himself on the back he would have done so, but he was a bit stiff after all of his various, still healing, injuries.

He had a quick look around before climbing up onto the balcony railings, stretching out his hands and letting the wind blow over his face. He was balancing precariously, wobbling about as the breeze washed over him.

Just being free of his panic attacks was making him feel on top of the world.

That was it, the wraith threat had been eliminated, as far as Arden and his strange experimentation was concerned, the long range scanners looked clean and tomorrow he would be back on active duty after certifying himself as being a healthy and productive member of Atlantis personnel.

He let out a little laugh and jokingly started to say, "I'm king of the wo-"

He heard clapping behind him, stumbled off the balcony railing with absolutely no grace and turned around to see Mckay stood there with a big grin on his face.

"I'm sorry what was that? Were you quoting Titanic?"

Sheppard stared down at his feet and looked up with embarrassment, "The moment just called for it," he said.

"So Beckett has certified you well but has he certified you _sane_."

"Very funny. How did you find me up here?"

"I was following you."

"Pardon?"

"I figured you might need a friend if you had an…episode."

Sheppard was strangely touched, "Uh thanks." He gestured to the wide open space and continued his unrestricted breathing, "But as you can see I managed just fine."

"Well done Colonel."

Sheppard smiled.

"So, you up to anything right now?"

"I'm _not_ going to touch things down in the lab."

"I was going to ask if you wanted some lunch."

"Oh, okay, I just need to make one quick detour on the way."  
-----------------

"What are we doing down here?" asked Mckay as they walked down the long ravaged corridor leading to where Sheppard had previously been trapped.

The walls were being held up by make shift, but sturdy, scaffolding and there was still debris on the ground, "Are you sure it's safe in here?"

"The engineers said it was structurally safe," said Sheppard climbing over a piece of concrete and skidding down it and into the room.

"_And_ there's still no communications down here."

"We won't be here long. Quit whining."

"I don't whine. I make intellectual observations which just so happens to sound like whining." He paused briefly before joining Sheppard in the room. "Why are we here Sheppard?" He looked around it feeling a sense of dread spread through him. He had watched the events unfold in this room on a small screen. His eyes moved up to the lack of ceiling and he felt a slight twinge in his leg as he was reminded of his encounter with a stray bullet.

Sheppard wandered over to the hole in the side of the building and looked down and into the sea. He gave a low whistle before saying, "Can you _believe_ I fell from here?" He turned and caught Mckay's stare, "Closure," he mumbled.

"You've been talking to Heightmeyer."

"I've been _signing_ to Addison. Not _talking_, signing."

"Oh."

"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?"

"No." He paused.

"Look Rodney, you know the way I operate by now. We have a mutual understanding that we don't come to each other with our shit. We just acknowledge it in our own private way and be there for each other in a totally _manly_ way."

Mckay gave a curt nod and looked over to where Sheppard had previously been skewered by a pole. It was no longer there, but the memory was still fresh.

"You know that…." He cleared his throat, "I'm here…." He paused and sucked in a final breath before quickly saying, "For-you-right?"

Sheppard nodded, didn't say anything and then stared out down to the sea again.

"You didn't think we were going to leave you down here, did you?"

"Honestly. Yes."

"Oh."

"I know you guys tried."

"A for effort hey?" Mckay was growing increasingly uncomfortable and he headed back towards the main entrance, "You ready for some food?"

Sheppard walked into the centre of the room and shoved his hands in his pockets, "I'll be right up. Just give me a minute."

Mckay nodded and trampled back out towards normal, complete, and safe corridors.

As he walked, his earpiece crackled and a burst of static sent a shiver down his spine. He stopped, shook his head because he was being stupid, and then continued forward.

Another burst of static and a fragmented voice came through in pieces.

"Rod……yo…….c………..p…..ro."

"Hello?" Mckay said as he slowly climbed a set of stairs. He swallowed against a bout of nausea, his body pumping with adrenaline in response to the frighteningly familiar situation.

"Repeat."

"You…..h……..get……………..up…"

Mckay continued a few more paces before stopping and turning to run back to Sheppard. He had just reached the final rung of the stairs when the radio signal unexpectedly cleared up and Zelenka's voice came hurriedly over the air waves.

"Rodney!"

"What?" asked Mckay with a sense of overwhelming panic.

"You have to get up here now," he said.

"Why? Is it the long range scanners? Have we picked up an-"

"No, they are serving pot roast and if you don't get here soon you'll miss it."

Mckay leant against the wall, "Pot roast," he said the words slowly, emphasising the words.

"Yes. It's very popular. Rodney?"  
"Okay, I'll be right up." He leant his head back and closed his eyes.

A small chuckle escaped him. It developed further and another hysterical laugh came through his parted lips.

"What's wrong with you?" he suddenly heard Sheppard say as he joined him in the hallway.

Mckay looked him up and down, confirmed that he was in one piece, and then said with a smile, "Pot roast." He laughed again.

Sheppard quirked an eyebrow, before butting past him and muttering, "Sometimes Rodney, you _worry_ me."

THE END

_Thank you everyone who has read and at least left one review._

_Painful reminders is a WIP and my new one will be up very soon._


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